Nothing Too Exciting

Whew -- what a weekend! Chip has been one puny boy -- he's really never had a fever before now (unless you count a mild one for a couple of hours about a month ago). He has more than made up for it in the last 3-4 days. High temps of 103 and even above 104 a couple of times. Poor thing -- but he's still good-natured and would even smile some when he felt crummy! He's on an antibiotic, but I think he and Tre' are headed back to the doctor tomorrow morning. We're ready for him to feel better.

Though we didn't get out to enjoy it much since Chip was sick, it was a beautiful weekend! It looks like maybe, just maybe spring is on the way!! I'm so glad we had some good cold (for South GA) weather this winter, but I confess to being ready for spring. I want to get our vegetables in the ground and we need to do some work on Catie's garden. Iz will have fun with all that this year. She's already helped Tre' move a few blueberry bushes that had sprouted up from our other ones. She keeps wanting to know when we can pick them. I think we're going to hit 75 degrees -- bring on the spring!!

Someone asked me the other day what I missed most about Catie... Hmmm... hard question, and one that I don't know that I've ever thought about -- it's hard to pick just one thing. Originally I missed her snuggly self curled up next to me. Then as time passed, and Iz was still really small, I very much missed the conversations we had. She was starting to think and communicate big thoughts before she died and I missed that... still miss that a lot, in fact. Now Iz is starting to think big thoughts and it's fascinating to me to see how they think about such different things. I guess now I just miss her and the way we related to each other. As a mom, each of my kids is sooo different and thus the way we relate to each other is different. None is better than the other, they're all just so very, very different (still amazes me that these 3 kids came from the same parents). But I miss the way Catie and I related to each other b/c it was different than the way Iz and I do and the way Chip and I do... I also miss her giggle and her holding my ear. Lots of other things too, but tonight those are what I miss the most. Still hard to believe it's been 3 years...

Off to get things ready for the week -- counting the days till spring break!!

In the Mood for Some Old Pictures

I was looking back at some old pictures tonight. Here are a few. The first one is a pic of Catie right before one of her big brain surgeries. It was taken on a camera phone and she's signing "I love you." -- soooo wish I had it in better resolution! I think this was the surgery where Tre' had taught her to shoot spitballs the night before. Aunt NikNik had snuck a straw into pre-op in case she wanted to nail anybody. The one of Catie and I together at the hospital is from the very earliest hospital days when she was about the age Chip is now. I love that picture b/c she is actually sitting up and doesn't have to many tubes. The follwing days were really tough, but this picture has always been a favorite. I really do see a lot of Catie in Chip at this age. The middle one is an all time favorite of mine where she's getting her daddy with flour. The last couple are pics of Catie when she was right about the age Iz is now. In one, she's w/ her buddy Bailee at Stone Mountain. In the other, it's Halloween and she dressed up as a doctor complete w/ a CHOA nametag w/ her picture and all (thanks to our AWESOME Mr. Morris).

Miss you so much sweet girl and soooo wonder where you would fit into the craziness that is our life now. Boy, wouldn't we love to know...

Normal

Today was a really great day! A really great, normal, summer day. Chip went to hang out w/ GaGa and Poppy and Iz and I met up w/ some friends and headed to a nearby waterpark. It's a great spot for kids w/ lots of stuff on the sprayground and slides just their size. I loved watching the look of sheer terror on her face as she flew down the slide, and then hearing her beg, "do it again Momma, do it again!" as soon as I pulled her up from the water. She is definitely going to be more of a thrill-seeker than her momma!!

This may sound strange, but there are still times when "normal life" stops me in my tracks. It does not feel "normal" to me yet. I've been a mom for nearly 7 years, but much of that time I haven't been a "normal" mom. Catie was sick for so much of her life and the "rules" we had to play by were so different from those of normal kids. There weren't lots of playdates w/ big groups, long days at the waterpark (she had a hard time w/ heat and most of the time couldn't have made it all day), we weren't able to attend church regularly, she didn't get to go to VBS. All that is OK! We made good w/ what we COULD do and I know she lived full and happy and well... And so, now, w/ Izzy and Chip as we join in on some playdates, spend a huge chunk of the day running through the sprayground and swooshing down waterslides, attending church more regularly, and getting ready for VBS next week... as we live. normal. life. I'm simply shocked and grateful at how wonderful it is. Perfect? Nope, never is... but pretty dad-blamed good!

If I let it, it could make me sad for the things Catie missed... but I also know that she was, at least I think she was, satisfied w/ the pace of our life and the day to day way we lived. I watch little girls who are the age she would be now and I am amazed at how grown she would be. Strangely, being around girls that age is usually a comfort to me... It's the events that get me and that's completely the opposite of how I thought it would be. I confess to being incredibly sad on the last day of school b/c she would have finished kindergarten and gotten her first real taste of summer break after a full year of schedules and routines... and there were tears when she missed what I know would have been her first spend the night party... I guess it's always going to be those "firsts" that get me.... all those "normal" things she would have done. Thankfully they don't come as often as they did that first year.

So, this weekend we will honor her life and try to raise a little more money for research so that kids like her get the chance to try on "normal" life...



Oh sweet girl, I miss ya tonight. You would have loved standing at the bottom of the slide and watching Iz's face as she flew down and you would have cracked up at you brother tasting his peas tonight. I do wonder where you would fit in the mix if you were here... would you be Queen Bee, keeping tabs on everybody (it's a big job w/ that sister of yours) or would you kind of be off doing your own thing and letting the little ones be? I tend to think you'd want to be in charge, but who knows... I DO know that you are now filled w/ far more joy than any of us can even begin to imagine.

Dad and Iz are off on the golf cart making a trash run. I'm hoping they bring a few blueberries back. Izzy loves them as much as you did... she's starting to ask about you from time to time. I like that. It's hard for her to understand where you are though. That will come with time and I'm grateful for the chance to tell her Catie stories. I think I'm going to go relax and curl up w/ the new book I'm reading. Love you sweet girl... Eskimo, butterfly, Daddy, and NikNik kisses to you.

Catie's CURE Classic benefitting CURE Childhood Cancer

We're gearing up for our golf tournament for this year and it's coming up quickly. We've taken a couple of years off, but we're back and we're hoping to have a great turnout for the tourney. The tournament will be held on June 20 at Black Creek Golf Club. For details on the tourney, go to http://catiescureclassic.com. This is the first year the tournament will be a memorial tournament, but we do this to honor our sweet Catie and the life she lived. We also do it so that other families won't know the devastating loss that is so often caused by childhood cancer. All proceeds will go directly to CURE Childhood Cancer (http://www.curechildhoodcancer.org/). We are in need of sponsors (levels are: Hole for $100 and Corporate for $500 and $1000), golfers, and door prizes. Each sponsorship comes w/ different perks, so visit our website to check them out (http://catiescureclassic.com/).

Given the lovely economic times we're in, we're taking a bit of a different approach this year. We are still seeking "normal" sponsors (at the levels listed above), but we also realize that smaller donations add up to make big donations. We are seeking folks who might not be able to be a hole sponsor, but could handle giving $25 (or $10 or $50). If we could have 100 people donate $25, that would be $2500 (and the equivalent of 25 hole sponsors)... 200 folks giving $25 would give us $5000, and so forth.

So, here is my challenge to you. (I'm not usually one to issue challenges, but today I'm going for it). If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, please do. You can easily do it through PayPal on our site (http://catiescureclassic.com/) or to Catie's Fund page ( http://www.curechildhoodcancer.org/default.asp?contentID=66). If you donate at Catie's Fund page, please list "Catie's Fund for Golf Tournament" in the comments section. The second part of my challenge is this... PLEASE forward this on to folks on your contact list. If half of the folks who receive this e-mail give a small amount of money and if everyone forwards this on, we could really build a large army and raise a lot of money.
Forwarding is a HUGE part of this effort because it allows us to reach a large number of people.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks for forwarding this on and donating if you are able. These donations (which need to be made by June 26) fund research that is literally life-giving.

Conversations

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

2 Girls Carrying Big Loads

Saw Iz doing this...

and it made me think of Catie doing this...

What a Great Weekend!

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous!! Our original plan was a great visit w/ my college roommate and her family. But the ickies invaded at her house, so we had to postpone until next month. We were really disappointed, but now we have something to look forward to in May. :)

It turned out to be such a nice weekend. It wasn't perfect (there were meltdowns and Chip hasn't been 100%... it was NORMAL), but it was as close to perfect as you can get. And I loved it too b/c it was peppered w/ Catie moments throughout. Saturday found Iz and I in the yard as Tre' and Chip napped. We watered the new plants in Catie's garden and spent time swinging. That girl LOVES to be outside!!! :) Yesterday afternoon there was a sidewalk chalk arts festival downtown. We headed down there and met some good friends. We checked out the AMAZING drawings on the sidewalk, hit the playground, ordered pizza from a great little joint downtown, and then crashed on the lawn (well.. the adults were getting tired, but the kids were still fully charged!)for an outdoor showing of Finding Nemo. Anyone who's followed us since Catie, knows that she LOVED that movie. We have so many lines from it that we would always say with her that we just love ("You guys made me ink!" and "He touched the butt." and so many more!)... and "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" kind of became our motto w/ all we went through w/ Catie. Neither Tre' nor I had watched the whole movie since Catie died -- I had watched bits and pieces. We didn't make it through the whole movie (Iz was worn out, so we left about halfway through), but I think we did pretty good last night! Iz had a blast and Chip was his usual laid back self (I hope I didn't just jinx myself by typing that!!). It was so great to pal around w/ friends and just have a good time. We also ran into someone who had followed our blog for a long time and told us she had prayed so hard for us... That was pretty neat and meant a lot to Tre' and I that she took the time to stop and say, "hi."

I remember BEFORE... before all this how I loved it when the weather started turning gorgeous like this... It just felt like it could pick you up and carry you along to wonderful places... The year Catie died, I don't even remember spring... nothing about it at all. I remember thinking that I guessed that would just be how it was now... I would never get that pick me up feeling from spring or the first brisk fall night or from blaring music while riding down the road w/ the windows down. I just kind of figured that was gone w/ Catie... that carefree feeling was one of those things that I wouldn't be able to get back. This weekend, though, I tasted it a bit. And it felt. so. good. It doesn't change our longing for Catie... that will NEVER go away, but it's nice to soar a bit on the wings of a beautiful day.

The other thing that was nice about this weekend was the "Catie moments" sprinkled throughout. I've already shared a couple, and it really seems like there were a lot this weekend... However, I will share w/ you the funniest one. The funniest, by far, was tonight when Iz and I were riding the golf cart. Catie LOVED frogs. We still have her "frog stick" (used to nudge the frogs to jump) on our front porch, she ended up calling one of Tre's aunts Aunt Frog and the name still sticks. We have tons of tree frogs around here and they always remind us of Catie. Several have somehow gotten in our house or car since she died, and they love to get on the underside of the doorknob so you get a nice slime when you open it. We had TONS of frog encounters that first spring after she died. They still come, though they are not quite as frequent as then. I kind of think (though I could totally be wrong) that it's kind of God's way of letting Catie send us a hello or an "i'm ok..." Frog and butterfly sightings (esp. when they show up in unusual places or at unusual times) always make us think of Catie. I could so be completely wrong, but it's just funny how they pop up when we need a pick me up. So ANYWAY... Iz and I had run to our neighbors on the golf cart. We were coming back when I saw something small coming towards us through the air. And then THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. SLIMY. ON. MY. FACE!!!!!!! I'm trying not to drive in the ditch while trying to peel whatever in the heck is sliming my face off and then it's gone and I look at Izzy's shoe (and her face -- hahaha) and on her croc is the little green tree frog that totally just landed on my nose. Izzy laughed and laughed and laughed!!!!!!! Good gosh.... I love moments like those. And I love that even though I may be totally wrong about God letting Catie send us a hello, it still makes me feel closer to her.

There were times this weekend that my heart would squeeze and I would think, "Oh I wish Catie were here too." or "Oh this would have been completely perfect if I heard her little giggle mixed w/ Izzy's." But, I guess one of the things I realized this weekend is that a really good day is full of those bittersweet moments that make me miss Catie. That makes my day fuller and makes her feel closer. And, sure, sometimes it makes me sad, but other times... other times I just love her even though she's not here. And, that... is just fine w/ me.

Kiddos

What do you do when you're bored?????


This cereal is GOOD stuff!


Sometimes it's tough being the little brother. How can she want to fix my hair when I don't even have any??????

Whew! Things are rolling along here! Spring break was nice -- we stayed home, got a few things done around the house and just did a lot of relaxin'. That was nice and it felt good to just slow down a bit. We're back in the swing of things again and we're counting down the days till summer!! Only 20 days of school left!! :)

One of the projects we tackled last week was cleaning out the playhouse outside. We haven't been up there much since Catie died, so it was time. I'm glad we went ahead with it for lots of reasons, but most of all because Izzy is enjoying the heck out of it now!!! I think she just loves that it's a little space of her own. She has chalk that she can use to write anywhere up there -- on the walls, the floor -- wherever. She thinks that's pretty cool. We also put a small table and chair set up there. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous here lately, so it's been great play house playin' weather too. I love that she likes it so much up there.

On one of the walls, it somehow still has "Catie was here" and the date written. I wish I could figure out how to preserve that (it's written in chalk on the plywood wall) b/c I love that it's still there.

Izzy is really becoming creative and using her imagination. She can carry on a conversation w/ a wall and her pretend play is becoming more detailed. Yesterday we were playing w/ her doll. She said it was going down the slide. She wanted me to make the doll slide so I lifted the doll up and "slid" her down the imaginary slide. "Weeeeee." Izzy started saying (quite emphatically I might add), "no! no! no! no!" I couldn't figure out what was wrong and then she says, "Momma, you have to make her go up the stairs first!" Oh, silly me! :) Things she's done in the last couple of weeks to remember: Cleared the shoe rack and put all the shoes into a cooler (that still had water in it -- see pictures), covered the great room in Easter grass (pictures in last post), discovered the fun of popping bubbles on bubble wrap, dumped out an entire bottle of bubbles, emptied 3/4 of a bottle of bubble bath on the cover to the toilet (in the 30 seconds she was in the bathroom ahead of me before bath)... We do watch her -- she just moves so fast!! Most of these types of things seem to happen when I can see her, but can't get to her quickly (when I'm feeding Chip). She's definitely into everything right now, but she also continues to grow her tender side... she can't stand it when Chip is upset and will try everything she can think of to pacify him, she's learning to say, "I'm sorry" when it's appropriate, and she continues to give the best hugs and kisses around. If someone looks the slightest bit sad, she's quick to go to them and ask if they're ok. I love that and I hope she is always sensitive to the feelings of others.

Chip continues to grow and grow and grow. He has had an ear infection and a pretty good chest cold here lately. We're doing several breathing treatments a day, but that wheeze still likes to hang on a bit. We're watching him closely. He acts just fine though -- happy as a lark most of the time. He's smiling more and more and he starting to enjoy his toys a bit (he LOVES the ones that hang from the bar on his car seat). He is hilarious trying to find Izzy when she comes in the room and he just grins when he sees her. He's gotten his first taste of cereal in the last couple of weeks and he is loving it!! :) It's amazing how fast and hard you can fall in love w/ such a tiny person!

New and Old pictures

A Crazy Country Girl

Picking Strawberries

This is serious business!



These pictures of Catie remind of some pics in this entry and the previous one.

Chip's cheeks aren't this chubby yet, but there is something about the shape of their noggins that looks alike to me.

This has always been a favorite of mine. I love the way her hand is on my face. I need to crop it.

This has always been one of my favorites. It reminds me of the top pic of Iz... not so much b/c they look alike, but b/c of where they're standing and what was going on when the pics were taken.

The Blessing and Other Random Stuff

Izzy is almost always careful to make sure we say the blessing before we eat. She usually helps me say the blessing and it goes something like this (Izzy's words are in ALL CAPS): God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Let us THANKS for our FOOD. Sometimes we continue w/ the 2nd half of the prayer and sometimes we say, "Amen," there. Last night a very hungry Izzy was helping me say the blessing -- she could hardly wait to eat as you will see. Our blessing last night went something like this: God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Let us BITE?? thank him for our BITE???. She was starving and couldn't get through the prayer, just kept asking for a bite. :) I admit to giggling through the, "Amen," and I'm pretty sure that there were some giggles from God as well!

We went to the doctor today for well visits for both kiddos. Both checked out well. Iz is 1/2 an inch shy of 3 feet. Chip is growing like a weed as well and weighed in at an even 10 pounds and had grown 2 1/4 inches, so he's now 23 inches!!! I couldn't believe he had grown that much, but it's kind of funny b/c he's just now as long as Catie was when she was born! She was a LOOOOOONNNNGGGG baby! They both got shots and Iz had to get a finger stick. It was NOT a fun thing for her and she had the tears flowing pretty good. In fact she was so pitiful w/ the finger stick that Doctor Cossio went back and warned Mrs. Sharon (the nurse who gives the shots and who took such amazing care of Catie each week when we checked in there) that Izzy's visit to her was probably not going to be very pleasant. I'm so thankful for those tears though... b/c it means she's not accustomed to things that little kids shouldn't have to be accustomed to. Driving home I was thinking about how Catie got a finger stick pretty much every week of her life from the time she was 1 year old (unless she was inpatient or having her port flushed)... She was a champ at it and that made our life much easier. But I hate that she had to be so accustomed to it, and I pray our other kiddos never have to be.

All is well here. I've got a little less than a month before I head back to work for the last nine weeks of school Soaking it all up day by day.

A couple things before I sign off:

Please pray for Sophia's family as her battle with medulloblastoma recently ended when she joined Catie running through the field of Heaven. We know the ache that fills their hearts all too well and we pray for their peace and comfort. (Carepages - sophiasjourney)

Our friend Abby has her MRI tomorrow morning. She is off treatment for relapsed medullo and we're looking for nothing but good news for her. (Carepages - AbbySmith12)

I believe that I've mentioned our friends the Maxeys here before. We were in treatment w/ their daughter, Maddy early on w/ Catie. She fought a brave fight before winning her victory against cancer as she walked through the gates of Heaven. Kirk and Natalie (mom and dad) have a 2 year old son, Grant, and an infant daughter, Annette. Annette was recently diagnosed w/ ATRT and is toughing it out through some harsh treatment. Today, as a precaution, they are scanning Grant. Please pray that they get the all clear and that they are peaceful as they wait for the results... Pray for Annette and for her treatment to be more effective than they can dream and for them to get to see her grow up. I can't even begin to imagine the road that they're on. (www.maxeyweb.com)

Also continue praying for our friends the Morgans. Ryan is battling relapsed neuroblastoma and his mom, Missy is fighting relapsed breast cancer. (www.superryan.blogspot.com and www.caringbridge.org/visit/missymorgan)

Loss and New Life

How strange to sit here looking at this beautiful 4.5 day old little boy and think of what we were doing exactly 2 years ago. Tonight as we snuggle and love on and get to know this precious baby boy, we know that 2 years ago we were snuggling on, loving on, and saying goodbye to Catie. In some ways we wonder how 2 years have passed already and in others we wonder how in the world it's been only 2 years. Time is a strange thing. Chip's arrival has definitely relieved the anticipation of tomorrow a bit. I don't think I'll ever be able to put words to all the emotions we feel in the month of January. What a wide range of feelings God made us humans capable of feeling.

So... we will continue to celebrate Catie, Izzy, and Chip... and we will continue to miss Catie... and life will continue to bustle forward. We will be grateful for the tremendous blessings in our life even as we continue to grieve our loss.

We are all adjusting well to being a household of 4. Izzy has handled things like a champ. My mom has been here, so Iz has been getting lots of extra love as we adjust to juggling 2 kiddos. Chip is a snuggler and we are loving it. We're definitely lacking some sleep, but that's ok. We'll update more later this week... We're just busy soaking up Chip, loving on Izzy, and processing all that comes with January.

Thanks for checking in!!

January

So it hit me today that on Saturday I was exactly at the point in this pregnancy that I was in my pregnancy with Izzy on the day that Catie died. I honestly do not remember ever being "this" pregnant w/ Iz. I know it's just because of all that was going on, but it's amazing to look back and see the grace that was given to us to carry us through those days. I cannot believe that Chip's birthday, Catie's Heaven Day, and Izzy's birthday are all falling w/in 2 weeks of each other.

2 years seems like so long ago. Someone was at our house a few weeks ago and looked at Izzy and said, I can't believe she is almost 2. And there was a big pregnant pause b/c the immediate thought that came next for all of us was "and that Catie's been gone nearly 2 years." I was so worried that every time I looked at Iz I would get kind of a mental picture of how long it's been since Catie left us. It really hasn't been like that at all... for lots of reasons I guess... we're so head over heels in love w/ Izzy that it's impossible to look at her and think of loss, she keeps us so busy (she walks no where -- she has one speed and it's fast) that there's not time to think about that, and we're learning... We still feel her loss every single day, and I don't think anything will ever change that. When something so sacred is ripped from your life, the hole doesn't disappear, you just learn to live with it. But we are learning and we will continue to learn.

Happy New Year!

So everyone's awake at our house even though it's 12:30. :) Nothing big, just a bit of a fever from Ms. Izzy. Her big sis must have given her some tips on downing meds before she was born, b/c seriously... she has always taken medicine like a champ! She's downed some Motrin and is snuggled up next to her daddy now and I'm catching up on bad tv. :) My body is so in that "getting ready" mode!

We've been busy getting things ready here at the house. One of the things we tackled last week was going through all the dressup clothes and weeding them out a bit. Would you believe that we found a "gift" from Catie as we did? Granted, we used to stumble upon little gifts from her all the time, but the longer she's gone, the less frequently we find them. If you've followed us since Caringbridge days, you might remember that Catie was a bit of a money hoarder. After she died, we found over $50 in her "change purse" that she kept with her at the hospital. I couldn't believe it! As time without her passed I'd stumble on a purse here or a change holder there w/ a wad of money in it. I thought I'd found it all, but apparently I'd missed her Minnie Mouse purse! It was buried in the dressup stuff w/ a wad of 8 one dollar bills stuck inside it. I just had to laugh!! I do confess that discoveries like that truly do feel like they're from her and it's so very nice... the money doesn't matter -- though it does make me giggle -- it's the feeling of finding something of hers. I know she didn't consciously leave it for us to find, but it still feels like a gift from her.

We had a great Christmas and Iz was TOTALLY into it all! :) She loved the lights, she loved the baking (ok, let's be honest -- she loved the cookie dough and you wouldn't believe how fast she could shove it in her mouth!!), she thought she had to be involved in opening any package that was unwrapped in her presence! I promise to upload some pics soon and do a better Christmas update.

For now, I'm heading back to sleep! I figure we'll be seeing early morning hours a lot soon!

Oh yeah, one more thing... thank you to those who suggested a satin/silky pillow case to help w/ the serious bed head Iz has in the mornings! We've gotten a couple and it really does make a big difference -- especially on the nights she manages to keep her head on the pillow all night!!! :)

The Holidays

Thus far the holidays this year aren't quite as intimidating as they were last year. Last year, they flat out scared the mess out of me... How on earth were we supposed to do Christmas without Catie. I'm not sure if I just know that we survived last year, so we'll be ok, if we're making progress, if I'm in denial, or maybe just a little of all of the above. Thanksgiving this year was, for me, the least challenging holiday I've had since we lost her. Again... not sure if it was denial or if after being stuck in the house, on the couch trying to get this baby to cook a bit longer that I was just so glad to get out of the house that it didn't even matter. Who knows...

We haven't decorated yet, but we will this week. I have broken out the Christmas music. It's funny how some songs make me smile and some just smack me between the eyes and can start the tears. This year, as Christmas approaches there is this incredible excitement to see it through Izzy's eyes... I know she's old enough to understand a bit more this year... no she won't get it all, but she's already talking lots about HoHo and she loves seeing Christmas stuff that's already out. I can't wait to see what she thinks about having a tree and lights up in her house! Then there is the stuff that will trigger so many Catie memories... That's good and hard. I guess we just keep doing what we've done since we lost her... really since she was diagnosed.... keep rolling with the punches, cry when you need to, and keep moving forward... just keep swimming...

Sometimes it still just makes me crazy to know that our family will never be totally complete this side of Heaven. Someone will always, always be missing. And I still hate that Izzy and Chip got jipped out of knowing Catie... though I'm glad they don't have to deal with the grief of missing. But I'm also grateful that I'm not completely frightened by Christmas this year... and I really can't wait to watch Izzy learn to enjoy the magic of the season...

A Sleeping Girl

I love to watch children as they sleep. I have pictures of both girls sacked out in various positions. One night I'm going to wake up every hour and take a picture of Izzy b/c she changes positions so much as she sleeps. She definitely sleeps with abandon.

Last night, I was reading an update on a friend of ours who has been battling cancer for far too long... He's such a trooper and a comment he made to his dad just struck me. It made me laugh and broke my heart all at the same time and it made me think of Catie.. It made me think of Catie and all that kids with cancer have to endure and how their normal is so NOT normal... Most of the time, I can be ok with the fact that that was Catie's life. But last night it made me sad. So I walked into Izzy's room where she was sprawled out on her back sound asleep. I have been known in a moment like that to pick her up and carry her to the couch and snuggle her close. She's a pretty sound sleeper at night, so I can usually get by with that. But last night, I just laid down next to her and stroked that beautiful golden blonde hair and I prayed. "Dear God... Thank you for this beautiful child you have blessed us with... thank you for the innocence that she has. Thank you that a blood pressure cuff wigs her out a bit, even if it's on my arm. Thank you that she cries when her finger is pricked b/c it hurts and it's not routine for her. Thank you that her normal is normal (except maybe for her mom and dad :) )... And please God.... please, please let it always be this way. Protect her from the the things Catie had to know about.... Protect her and protect Chip...."

Oh, I've Missed You this Week Sweet Girl

Welcome Home Sweet Joey

Joey hurt his back last weekend. We're not sure how he did it, but w were told it was not an uncommon injury for dogs like him with short legs and longer backs. Our vet worked for a week trying to help him... his back legs were paralyzed and he had lost control of his urine and bowels. We were hoping that he would improve, but he did not. So on Friday afternoon our Joey was welcomed home by the person who loved him more than anybody... I can just picture Catie as she stood at the gates of Heaven and Joey bounded into her arms. I have no doubt they spent the weekend running through the fields of Heaven. I'm even betting there was a little wrestling involved as Catie couldn't really do that with him here on Earth b/c of her balance.

The day we brought Joey home, Catie was about a week out of her 3rd major craniotomy. She was still feeling not so great and moving slow. She was very nervous about hurting her head. I knew Joey was the dog for us when he gently crawled up on top of her where she was lying and they both fell sound asleep.



He was always such a comfort for Catie. Just as he knew what Catie needed... he always knew what Izzy could handle as well. He was gentle and easy with her when she was small and in recent months they have enjoyed some hearty play in our great room. Iz dubbed him JoJo and that's often the first word from her mouth when we pull up at the house...


Oh, we'll miss him.... but I also know that he's just fine and that he and our girl Catie are basking in joys we have yet to know or understand.

6 Years Old

Happy Birthday sweet Catie Bug! On Friday, she would have been 6. Six! That sounds so grown. I didn't think days like that were going to be too bad when we first lost her b/c I know she was never meant to live to be 6 or 8 or 20. But in my mind... she was always meant to live that long. The anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day and this year was no different. Friday was just kind of a melancholy day. The day was eased by phone calls, texts and e-mails from dear friends and family. One friend brought a "chicknen biscuit w/ chicknen on it" by school for me... Had Catie been here, I have no doubt the day would have involved Chick-fil-A in some shape, form, or fashion. On the way from Chick-fil-A to the school, my friend saw a huge rainbow... Way to go Catie (and Hayley -- I'm betting the 2 of you were in on that together). This makes us 2 for 2 as far as rainbows and celebrating Catie's birthday without her. I know it won't happen every year, but it's been pretty special thus far.

We also decided to start a new tradition w/ Iz of letting balloons go at the cemetary on Catie's birthday. I think this will be something that will allow our other kiddos to be a part of her day in years to come. This year though, let's just say it was a good thing we had tucked an extra balloon in the car. Letting balloons fly to the sky with no chance of recovering them can be a bit traumatic for a 20 month old! :)

I think one of the things that struck me as harder this year was the fact that I didn't know what Catie would have wanted for her birthday this year or what kind of party she would have wanted... Last year, I still had an idea... it hadn't been that long since we had lost her and I kind of figured she would still like similar things. This year though, if she had been here, she would have started school, met new people, liked new things... I have no idea what she would have been into or what her new interests would have been. That was harder this year.

In the last couple of weeks, Iz has really taken to watching Catie's video from her Celebration of Life. She loves it. She'll run over to the computer and say, "Cakie, Cakie." She names all the people she knows in the video, sometimes imitates what's Catie is doing in the pictures, and laughs hysterically at the picture of Catie in the Groucho Marx glasses and the section where Catie is opening her little chair at her 2nd birthday party. You can almost see her little brain trying to figure out... who exactly is this little person named Catie that's in all these pictures with people I know and love...

1st Days, Adjustments, and Grieving with Hope

So today was the day... the first day of school. There were definitely thoughts of Catie and what she would have thought of kindergarten, how her day would have been, who her classmates would have been. I'm happy to say we survived the day. My meltdowns always seem to come ahead of whatever I'm dreading, and I managed to take care of it yesterday instead of this morning. Definitely a good things considering I had to do school stuff at school today!! I confess to tearing up a bit as I watched little ones reuniting w/ their mommas at the end of the day... All in all though, I think we managed well. Boy we still miss her like mad though!!

Anticipating what would have been her 1st day at school has had her on the brain even more than usual. Catie stories have filled my head. I rarely call Izzy Catie these days, but it has happened at least 3 times in the last week. She has been very present in my mind for sure.

Izzy has done a great job transitioning into going to the sitter's house! She is such a social bug and loves, loves, loves playing with the other kids who are there. She is cheerful when I drop her off and cheerful when I pick her up. We are so grateful for Mrs. Amber and for the fact that Izzy is so comfortable there. She is a tired puppy at the end of the day, but I have no doubt that's because of our early morning wake up call! It's ENTIRELY too early for this momma!! We're adjusting though... which includes trying to tame the night owl in me. :)

I'm sure many of you have heard about the tragic loss that Steven Curtis Chapman's family experienced in May. This morning, Good Morning America aired an interview with their family that is very moving. Click here to view the interview. I could identify with so much of what they said. At one point they talk about being a family of faith, but also being a family with a lot of questions. And then SCC says something to the effect of, "But that's what faith is.... it's having faith through the questions." Powerful stuff.

One last note... Please pray for our friend Tyler Copley and his family. He has battled far more and far harder than anyone should have to. His time is short. He and his mom were always good about coming by to visit us when we were inpatient... Our thoughts and prayers are with them now. We pray his journey is easy, his suffering short, and we know his joy will soon be complete.

A Gift

So today I ran by my new school to see what room I'm going to be in. I'm going to be doing intervention (working w/ kids who need a little extra help) so I'm not going to have a homeroom. I wanted to see the room to get an idea of what I needed to do in it.

A little background -- When Catie turned 3, she went to preschool through the school system for 1/2 a year. I knew the teacher (had taught with her and taught her son) and I knew the physical and occupational therapists she would be working with. I knew she was in good hands. So, for that time, she went to preschool at the school I'm going to be teaching at.

So... today I go to see my room... Would you believe that out of all the rooms in that school, I am in the room that Catie was in for 3 year old preschool??????? It took my breath away, but there is something strangely comforting about it. It is the only room in the whole county that I could have ended up in that she had spent time in... So, though I know there will be tears on the first day of school because I won't be walking her down to her kindergarten classroom... I'll be in the only room in the school she's spent time in... What are the odds of that?