Nothing Too Exciting

Whew -- what a weekend! Chip has been one puny boy -- he's really never had a fever before now (unless you count a mild one for a couple of hours about a month ago). He has more than made up for it in the last 3-4 days. High temps of 103 and even above 104 a couple of times. Poor thing -- but he's still good-natured and would even smile some when he felt crummy! He's on an antibiotic, but I think he and Tre' are headed back to the doctor tomorrow morning. We're ready for him to feel better.

Though we didn't get out to enjoy it much since Chip was sick, it was a beautiful weekend! It looks like maybe, just maybe spring is on the way!! I'm so glad we had some good cold (for South GA) weather this winter, but I confess to being ready for spring. I want to get our vegetables in the ground and we need to do some work on Catie's garden. Iz will have fun with all that this year. She's already helped Tre' move a few blueberry bushes that had sprouted up from our other ones. She keeps wanting to know when we can pick them. I think we're going to hit 75 degrees -- bring on the spring!!

Someone asked me the other day what I missed most about Catie... Hmmm... hard question, and one that I don't know that I've ever thought about -- it's hard to pick just one thing. Originally I missed her snuggly self curled up next to me. Then as time passed, and Iz was still really small, I very much missed the conversations we had. She was starting to think and communicate big thoughts before she died and I missed that... still miss that a lot, in fact. Now Iz is starting to think big thoughts and it's fascinating to me to see how they think about such different things. I guess now I just miss her and the way we related to each other. As a mom, each of my kids is sooo different and thus the way we relate to each other is different. None is better than the other, they're all just so very, very different (still amazes me that these 3 kids came from the same parents). But I miss the way Catie and I related to each other b/c it was different than the way Iz and I do and the way Chip and I do... I also miss her giggle and her holding my ear. Lots of other things too, but tonight those are what I miss the most. Still hard to believe it's been 3 years...

Off to get things ready for the week -- counting the days till spring break!!

Busy Boy

When Izzy was the age that Chip is now, we called her Little Izzy Tornado. I think she's officially passed the nickname to her brother. In matter of 2 hours tonight,he spread paper and old mail all over the kitchen floor, got into Vaseline and rubbed it in the carpet (he was hiding behind the couch when he did that), slung a slew of goldfish all over the place, and cleared all the magnets off the dishwasher twice! He's a busy boy and I'm a tired grateful Momma!

Blogging

I really miss writing! It's therapeutic for me. I've always called it good, cheap therapy. Time is just so scarce these days. But... I'm scared I'm going to forget things -- cute think the kids are doing, ways they make me crazy, the laughter, the tantrums... So, I really want to try to write more again. It's really for me -- and for our family. I want my kids to know how things were when they were little. Maybe I can do it if I do little snippets instead of long posts. Who knows!

So... a few quick things for tonight.

Chip's current favorite songs are "Happy and You Know It," "Wheels on the Bus," and "Bippity Boppity Boo." Yes, you read it right -- he loves the Cinderella song and will pat your leg and say, "Bip bop boo," until you start singing it for him. He also knows how to use a wand. We DO have boy toys!! :) He makes mean VROOM VROOM to accompany the pushing around of vehicles. He loves a good wrestling match and I think he could take Izzy out if he tried! Though he has found his (loud) voice and knows how to make his wishes known, he continues to be a truly happy kid with an easy (and awesome sounding) laugh.

Iz is my girl who's full of heart... which tends to bring a bit (ok, a lot) of drama to the house. Whatever she feels (and she feels a lot), she feels strongly. I love the way God knit her together and I stand amazed as I watch her compassion for others and her need to DO to help others when something is wrong. She can talk non-stop for 3 days on end I think!! Her imagination is amazing and lately, she's been trying to get me to speak in her new language. When I do, both she and Chip just cackle.

Dinners out are rare these days for the four of us as it's just easier to be home. :) I'm so thankful for these days even though we (we being Tre' and me) are worn out at the end of them.

Croupy coughs abound from both kiddos tonight... normal kid stuff... Thank you God for normal...

Merrill died tonight... Her family is heavy on my heart. Cancer really is so incredibly unfair. www.caringbridge.org/visit/merrillking

Conversations

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

Izzy's Antics for Safe-Keeping

I think I'm going to have to start a weekly entry on Izzy's antics and the crazy things she says. I don't want to grow old and forget the things that crack us up in our normal everydayness of life..

For instance...
*Upon seeing a bug this morning (a bug I never saw, mind you... I think it was a piece of dirt that proves how badly my floor needs vacuuming), Moonpie walked over a grabbed the first shoe she could find... a shoe that happened to be one of my crocs. She walks back over to where she saw the "bug" and says, "I got shoe and I know how to use it." I totally cracked up laughing.

*Tonight, after arriving at home Izzy somehow got a hold of my keys... and for some reason... put them in a ziplock bag??? Go figure. She then had me seal the bag and said as she placed the bag on the counter... in her sealed ziplock bag... "Momma, I put them here for safe-keeping, ok?" Safe-keeping??? Where does she get this stuff??? :)

There was something else she said today that escapes my tired brain, but I hope I remember it later so that I can write it down for safe-keeping.

The pics below are from Mother's Day weekend at my mom's house. They're of Izzy and her cousin (Nikki and D's daughter), Natalie (also known 'round these parts as NatNat). They had great fun playing in the dirt helping my mom plant flowers. Chip missed out on the mudpies this year, but I'm sure he'll be in the thick of things this time next year!

Oh, I've Missed You this Week Sweet Girl

Catie Days

I call them Catie days... days when she's more present in my mind than on an average day... days when I miss her even more than on a normal day. The missing is never gone, but there are days it is much more present than others. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those days when my mind went back to the end of her life. I remember when it sunk it that things really might not end like we so desperately wanted. And for some reason, today my mind drifted back to that time and replayed it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason -- my brain processing such a traumatic time or something... but whatever the reason, today my mind went back to that morning. I remember trying to find a way to curl my 8 1/2 month pregnant body around her without messing up any of her many, many tubes and wires. And I remember crying and crying. When you are living it, it doesn't seem unimaginable, you're just trying to get through it... But I'm here to tell you that what families of kids with cancer and families of other critically ill kids have to deal with is all too often unimaginable. Those aren't the memories we dwell on here... we try to focus on the good ones. But there are times when you wish that people in the "normal" world knew what goes on in a children's hospital... that they knew what these kids and their families go through.

Earlier, I didn't like days like today, and sometimes I still don't... but sometimes they are somehow, strangely, a comfort. I don't know if somehow I feel closer to Catie or if it helps my heart to process a little more... but sometimes it's ok.

So it was already a Catie day and then I watched Army Wives. I'm a big fan and tonight was the season premier. I won't spoil it for anyone who might have Tivo'd it, but suffice it to say that it got the rest of my good cry for the day out. The ending hit so close to home... letting go... letting go... If you watched it I'm betting you got your cry in too.

Today was one of those days, and for today that was ok. I needed to feel close to her today. It seems like such a long, long time since we let her go.

Izzy B

Sometimes I write here because it's helps to write down my thoughts. Sometimes I write because it's a place to record things that are going on so I don't forget them before we grow old.

Izzy is growing so quickly. I know it seems like I write that all the time, but I continue to be amazed at this age. I had forgotten what little sponges they are. She is so on the move -- constant motion. She's getting so tall - I looked at her lying in her crib yesterday and couldn't believe how much of it she fills up. She continues to LOVE being outside. She loves the sandbox, the sprinkler, bugs, dirt, little pieces of pine straw or leaves or rocks. She likes flowers and is so cute when she smells them. She loves to play with Joey and he is so good with her.

Iz had become a nap fighter -- she can flat wear me out trying to get her down for nap, even if she is completely exhausted. She is very determined and knows what she wants. The fine line of taming the will without breaking the spirit is the line we're walking around here these days. She has such a strong spirit and I love that... it's just those tantrums when things don't go her way that I don't like so much. I feel like this age is so critical for later years... Kids learn about boundaries and if you stick to what you say... If you draw a line in the sand and they stick their big toe over it will the same thing happen every time? I pray that we have wisdom in our parenting and that God continues to mold us into just the parents that Izzy needs.

Izzy is quite the social butterfly. I meet very few strangers when we're out and about these days. She could so be the wal-mart greeter these days. She waves to everyone and thinks they're all supposed to say, "hello" and speak to her. It really is quite an adventure to run to the grocery store some days. I love that she is so outgoing and friendly... might have to do a bit of learning about stranger danger though! :)

One of my favorite nights this week was when Izzy discovered on of Catie's Christmas presents from her last Christmas. You need a little background here... Catie and her daddy used to have "wars" w/ the bumpers off of the fireplace (you know, the rubbery things that you put on so kids don't split their head wide open if they bump their head on it)... They would each get one and go at it, both of them laughing hysterically the whole time. This was one of those times that Catie's laugh just came from her belly and just bubbled up out of her... I can still hear her now and see her face... Well, for Christmas, Santa brought them 2 fake, foamy/rubber swords... This what Izzy discovered Thursday night. She didn't know what they were for, but never fear... Daddy taught her. She laughed -- from her belly too -- when Tre' would poke her in the ribs with it. Then she wanted him to do it more and more... so sweet... It wasn't long before she figured out she could get him with it. The swords are almost as tall as she is, and she hasn't developed much finesse with them yet, but it was so good to see she and Tre's duking it out... When she learns something new that Catie loved, it helps... it brings another layer back to our life. It doesn't make the loss or the hurt go away, but it sure fills us up some more. So thankful for a laughing girl (and a laughing daddy) and 2 rubber swords...

Catie

So it's been a while since I watched the "A Few of our Favorite Things" video that Uncle D made with pictures of Catie and some of her favorite music. I still can't believe that he was able to put that together in 2 days (no doubt I owe him big time for the sleep deprivation that weekend!). Well, I watched it this morning and it was so good... sometimes if I don't look back at pictures a lot, the memories that stick are the times when she was the sickest. Random memories will sometimes pop in my head... like the times I made her throw up b/c I didn't know yet that you shouldn't put cold liquids into a g-tube, or the time I had to access her port and her skin was raw from tegaderms and I had to scrub it with alcohol... There was too much she had to go through and goodness knows she took it with the grace of someone 5 times her age. The video makes me proud. Proud b/c despite the incredibly rotten hand she and our family were dealt in cancer, she really was happy. She smiled and she laughed and she lived and she loved and she was loved. I remember the setting for most every picture in the video... if she's laughing, I could probably tell you why... I can tell you if she's in the hospital (and if she is, if it's in Savannah or Atlanta), or at the beach or at home or somewhere else... I can tell you what point we were at in treatment... I can tell you that in one picture, she has hair as far as you can tell, but the back was completely bald where her hair had been rubbing off as she slept... I'm so thankful for pictures and for the memories they trigger. I know that I would not remember so many of those moments were it not for having them recorded. I'm thankful for the reminder that so much of her life was good, was happy... I love the pictures of her laughing or grinning or playing at the hospital. If she could do that in the midst of all she was going through, we can learn to do the same through tough stuff.. She made the best of life with cancer. We can learn to make the best of life without her here. Sure do miss her though...

Dear Catie,

Ok -- the pictures of Izzy really are coming. I haven't done her 9 month picture yet and I want to put that up.

Dear CatieBug,
Sometimes I'm so surprised at the places you pop up. Sometimes it's in the things I found around the house (like the end of a hospital bracelet that was somehow in the dustpan after I swept the kitchen this morning -- where did that come from?), or in something I smell (like the alcohol swab I used to clean the thermometer earlier this week), or something I see when I'm out and about (like the red corduroy Christmas dress with polka dots that I had to buy for Izzy yesterday because I remembered almost buying for you last year when you had asked for a dress when I went Christmas shopping), or in the animals that we seem to always run into (like the LIZARD that soooo almost got me on the swing TWICE this week -- I remember you hunting them down on the back porch), or when something funny happens (like this morning with Izzy -- keep reading and you'll see). Sometimes those moments make me sad, sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes they do both. Whatever they make me do or feel... I'm always grateful, grateful for a Catie moment. Part of me is really scared that as the years go by those moments will become fewer and farther between. I hope not... I hope they don't make me sad so much, but I hope they keep coming... for the rest of my life. They always make me feel a little closer to you, which is hard to do sometimes because you're so far away.

Mary Grace called and left a message for me for her momma last night. She sounded SO grown up and it was so good to hear her sweet voice. Bailee's been over a couple of times and it's always so nice when she's here. She always wants to play with your toys... especially Uno Attack and your Leapster. The last time she was here, we finished the tea set that you, Daddy, and I started at the hospital but didn't get to finish. I put your initials on the pieces you had painted and Bailee put a B on the bottom of the ones that she did. I think you would like the tea set! Sometimes it's such a comfort to be around kids your age... I miss talking to you!! Bailee likes to talk about you or tell me things she remembers... Sometimes she asks me things about what your favorites were or if you liked this or that. It's always nice when someone asks us about you.

There's a song that someone sent me that says, "Oh, how I want you to know I'm ok, and I just need to know that you're waiting, you're waiting... for me." That's pretty accurate. We are ok... we sure do miss you LIKE MAD, but we are ok, and we will be ok. And I KNOW we'll see you again... sometimes it just seems so far away. I know that's an earthly thing, and you know better because you have Heaven eyes now... I get glimpses, but can't see everything so clearly like you can all the time. I don't have the understanding yet that you do. But one day I will, and on that day, I'll wrap my arms around your sweet body and snuggle you close to my face once again.

I guess feeling like we have to wait so long to see you again is why those little Catie moments are so special to me... they make you feel closer.

Ms. Izzy has played with the Blue you gave her this week several times -- she likes to chew on her ear. :) Part of me wants to put the Blue up and not let it get too much love, but the other part of me knows that you would love her playing with the toy that you picked out special for her... so chew on the ear she will. The first time she crawled over to pick Blue up, my eyes welled... I remember the night you picked it out (even though you kept such a good secret from Daddy and me only giving us one clue before I opened it the shower). I remember too how you were really not feeling well on the day of the shower and you were lying on the couch for most of the time... but you helped me open up your special gift to your sister and you looked so, so proud and you hugged Blue so tight... I'll never forget that. Now when Izzy hugs it tight, it's kind of like you two girls hugging each other... hope you can feel it up there where you are.

Iz just woke up. She doesn't have a lot of hair yet, but it's starting to grow. She's got enough now that when she wakes up, it's sticking out on the side like these little wings. I think it's going to be blond with a hint of strawberry when the light hits it just right. She's sitting in her high chair right next to me chewing on her sippy cup. She's really starting to like books and some of her favorites are ones you loved too. One of her current favorites is the one called Jingle Babies. Do you remember that one? I swear we read it a thousand times. It's going to be the same with Izzy.

Daddy and I love you so much... we think of you every day and we know how happy you are now... We are so grateful for that. We'll keep doing our thing down here, learning to live full like you did... and then, when it's time, we're coming to see you.

Love,
Momma
P.S. Ok, ok, I'll tell you the funny Izzy story (though I can't believe I'm actually writing this down). This morning Izzy woke up later than usual (which is why we didn't make it to church this morning -- she's our alarm clock and is usually up by 6:45). So we were being a little lazy and lounging. Someone was a little flatulent and let go some audible air. Without missing a beat, Izzy looked at the guilty party and blew the best raspberry you've ever heard! Oh my goodness, how we laughed!!!

Old pictures

Tre' had some pictures of Catie on his computer that I didn't. I was looking through them tonight and that means... that you get stuck looking at pics! :)


Remember this one? Joey was outside and she wanted him to come in. I wouldn't let her go out yet (we both still had our pjs on), so she opened the door, sat in the floor, and waited.


Dancing with (or at least trying to) with Joey


I will always love this picture. I don't remember what they were talking about, but I love how it shows how comfortable Catie was with Dr. Claire... and how Dr. Claire always has time for her patients -- not just the medical stuff -- no matter how busy she is.


I've posted the pic of her leaning her head against Belle's, but I don't think I've posted this one.


This was a BIG moment too--- she so looked forward to meeting JoJo and Goliath.


With Sleeping Beauty


Laughing because she had kiss marks from Cinderella


I love this picture of her. It's not her real, real smile, but I love how she just looks so healthy... so tan and so happy.


Laughing at her birthday party last year -- a couple of her buddies were nailing each other w/ the party blow things.


This is how I remember her... I'm not sure why when I think of her, she always has hair as she had it for less than a fourth of her life... but I do. And I remember her like she is here, happy, bright-eyed, carefree.

Pictures of Izzy next time!

And Sweet Izzy

Thank you God for Izzy....

for the big smile and bright blue eyes that awaken us each morning.

for you energetic nature that keeps us on our toes

for your strength and health

for your curious nature (which tends to lead you towards plants and electrical cords no matter how well I've hidden them)

for those sweet times when you lay your head on my shoulder to give us "love" and for your wide open mouth kisses that you plant on our cheeks

for your messy fingers and your insistence on not wearing a bib (it makes for some messy clothes, but it's hard to find one you can't pull off)

for your busyness... you really crack your daddy and me up

for your sweet little arms that reach up for us when you want to be held

for the trampoline you've discovered in your bed ;)

for your voice... sometimes loud, sometimes husky, always music to our ears

for your growls and grunts

for you sweet giggle that makes us laugh too

for that cute little hiney that sticks up as you crawl across the floor

for your feistiness that keeps life quite interesting

for the way you crawl away from me, stop, sit, and then wave with the sweetest grin

for the speedy twist, flip, and crawl move you try EVERY single time I change your diaper

for the way you brighten our lives every single day.... have I said lately how glad we are that you're here?

Looking Back

Tonight, I've been looking back through old journal entries and I was surprised by nuggets of memories I'd already forgotten. Thank goodness I wrote them down. It makes me want to be super diligent about recording Izzy's moments too because time passes so quickly. So, tomorrow, Izzy stuff... tonight a look back to a few things I stumbled upon.

July 5, 2005 (on the even of an Atlanta trip for Catie's 2nd major tumor resection)
So tonight as we sleep in our own beds and get ready for this phase of Catie's journey, I thought I'd think a little about the GOOD that has come from her cancer. Granted there's been the bad.. but I don't want to go there tonight. There's something about facing all that we have that allows you to see blessings a little more clearly... sometimes the little things aren't so little anymore, they're quite significant. So here's to the little blessings we've been more aware of b/c of Catie's illness...

Catie's morning snuggles... She is not a morning person -- and I must admit she comes by it honest. Often our morning starts off with a good snuggle-fest on the couch. She is one good snuggler and it's the best way in the world to start the day.

Her kisses at the end of the day -- butterfly, Eskimo, Catie and Daddy kisses. It ends w/ a big hug and an "I love you!" A great way to end the day!

Her teasing nature and good sense of humor. She really can be quite funny.

Her sweet voice and the way she says her words. I've said it before, I could listen to her talk all day.

The zerberts she blows on her daddy's tummy.

Her sure shot with a water gun (I'm telling you nurses -- look out when she starts feeling better after surgery!)

The amazing grace with which she has handled all that has been thrown her way. Granted, she's had her tantrums and she has her moments, but she has handled the hand she's been dealt with a maturity far beyond her years. I know that this is one of the "little" miracles God has given us along the way.

Jeremiah 29:11

The amazing friends we've met through the world of childhood cancer. Though we totally and completely wish we had met you at ChuckECheese or something instead of at the clinic or in the hospital, we're so thankful for the chance to know you. We think of you all so very often and whisper prayers for you each day.

The friends and family who have helped to carry us through this journey are nothing short of amazing. You have helped to lighten our load and carry the burden and you have truly been the hands and feet of Jesus to us. You will never know how much of a difference you have made in our lives.

Catie's determination to learn to walk and to try to keep up with other kids. Tonight I think she had her first official game of chase. She was mighty close to running and she was giggling with delight the entire time.

I could go on and on and on... This list doesn't even scratch the surface. That just means we get to add more in the days and weeks to come.

July 7, 2005 (the evening of that 2nd tumor resection)
I'm going for some good snuggles, but first one more thing. Today, Lisa and I were in the room with Catie. Lisa was getting ready to leave and looked at me from across the bed and said, "Are you going to be ok?" I was opening my mouth to say, "yes" when I saw a little head on the bed nodding up and down. We thought she was sleeping, but she was listening and she was telling us that, "YES!" she is going to be ok. We're holding on to that too, and looking forward to seeing her doing more "bottom busters" in the ocean water soon!

(And we did see more bottom busters!)

September 2, 2005
Some smiles and "Catieisms"today.

*At the Ronald McDonald House a couple of weeks ago...
Catie, GaGa (Tre's mom), and I were going through some cool weather clothes we had just gotten for her to be sure they fit. We had just finished up and put her pj's on her as it was almost bedtime. The shirt for her pj’s are gathered at the bottom. She begin to pick up her new socks and drop them into the top of her shirt one pair at a time. I giggled to myself imagining her doing the same thing in ten years or so. I asked her what she was doing and she looked me dead in the eye and said, "These my boobies Mama." Well, you can imagine the laughter that bubbled out from GaGa and I as she continued to drop socks in. The socks then fell to the bottom of her shirt and she looked at me with a laugh and a twinkle in her eye and said, "My boobies in my tummy Mama." I think this one will go in the scrapbook!

*This weekend we flew a fun battery powered airplane that PaPa had given Catie. We live way in the country, so to get a good open place to fly them we only had to drive down to our neighbor’s yard (too wooded at our house). The plane flew great, but no matter where we aimed it or let it go, it always seemed to fly toward the tall pine trees and ended up getting stuck more than once. So... when Catie and I were discussing our upcoming (we hope) trip to Boston and flying on an airplane, she got very excited. The she suddenly stopped and looked at me anxiously and asked, "Our airplane go in tree Mama?"


September 16, 2005
Out of the blue today, Catie looked at me and patted her head and said, "I no have hair Momma." An obvious statement, yes, but it still kind of stopped me in my tracks as she never stated it out loud. I asked her if she knew what made her hair fall out and she said, "yes, chemo." I didn't know she knew that.

December 6, 2005
CATIE'S QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Catie was showing Tre' something in a catalog that she wanted Santa to bring her. He asked her what she had to be for Santa to come see her (fishing for "be good") and she answered... "patient."

Hope these made you smile... I'll have to hunt for more later. ;)