It's Been a While...

A long while in fact! And I guess there are lots of reasons for that. 2 kiddos underfoot, taking a class, and teaching full time are probably the big things to blame for why I haven't written in so long. I do miss writing -- it really is just hard to find the time (to do the laundry, much less write!!).

And I guess, if I'm totally honest, there are other reasons too. It's been a tough year for a lot of families that we know. Folks we went through treatment with and very close family members have had some really tough stuff to face this year. The Morgans lost Ryan and Missy, the Maxeys lost a 2nd daughter to cancer, others we know and went through treatment with have relapsed at 5 years out... In some ways, it's been hard to come here and tell funny stories about Izzy and Chip when I know so many others have been hurting. I know, because of Catie (and these others listed here), to cling to these amazing times with our kids, but I just couldn't write about it.

Most recently, tragedy hit much to close to home. My sister and her husband, known to most folks here as Aunt Nik Nik and Uncle D, learned in mid September that the baby boy she was carrying, Aiden John, had Trisomy 18. She was due in early February, but he was stillborn early Christmas morning. I still reel to write that or say it out loud... Christmas morning. My initial reaction was anger... anger because I didn't want that day to have to be Christmas day for them and anger because I didn't, and don't, want them to know that hurt that they now know all too well. It shouldn't have happened again. And as I thought more, though I still worry for them and Christmas Day, I was reminded that because of Christmas day, because of the birth of another Baby Boy, both Aunt Nik's and our family will one day be whole again...

I just hurt for them... because I never wanted them to have to know this hurt... and because I know we can't fix it for them...

In spite of it all, there was laughter and joy this weekend, mixed in with the sorrow and tears... Sometimes life is messy and hard, but it is the life we've been given and I will continue to try to do what I learned from Catie -- live full and keep laughing. I don't do it nearly as well as she did, but I'm working on it.

I've thought a lot about Heaven this weekend. I imagined Catie peeking through the gates as sweet Baby Aiden was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. And then I totally imagine her carrying him everywhere. That girl loved babies... loved them I tell you!

We've kind of let Iz guide us this weekend to let us know what she needed to know. At one point during the service this morning, she looked at me and said, "Momma, Baby Aiden not get to grow up?" Oh sweet baby, how I wish my answer could be different for you...

So... I promise to try my very best to get some new pictures up soon!! Chip is ginormous and Iz is starting to look (and act) so grown up!! I hope you and yours had a wondrous holiday season full of the wonder and magic and the promise of the eternal that is Christmas!!

Now, I'm off to try to find homes for all these toys!!

BTW, if you'd like to drop in on Nik and D, their blog is www.theoddkouple.com .

Normal

Today was a really great day! A really great, normal, summer day. Chip went to hang out w/ GaGa and Poppy and Iz and I met up w/ some friends and headed to a nearby waterpark. It's a great spot for kids w/ lots of stuff on the sprayground and slides just their size. I loved watching the look of sheer terror on her face as she flew down the slide, and then hearing her beg, "do it again Momma, do it again!" as soon as I pulled her up from the water. She is definitely going to be more of a thrill-seeker than her momma!!

This may sound strange, but there are still times when "normal life" stops me in my tracks. It does not feel "normal" to me yet. I've been a mom for nearly 7 years, but much of that time I haven't been a "normal" mom. Catie was sick for so much of her life and the "rules" we had to play by were so different from those of normal kids. There weren't lots of playdates w/ big groups, long days at the waterpark (she had a hard time w/ heat and most of the time couldn't have made it all day), we weren't able to attend church regularly, she didn't get to go to VBS. All that is OK! We made good w/ what we COULD do and I know she lived full and happy and well... And so, now, w/ Izzy and Chip as we join in on some playdates, spend a huge chunk of the day running through the sprayground and swooshing down waterslides, attending church more regularly, and getting ready for VBS next week... as we live. normal. life. I'm simply shocked and grateful at how wonderful it is. Perfect? Nope, never is... but pretty dad-blamed good!

If I let it, it could make me sad for the things Catie missed... but I also know that she was, at least I think she was, satisfied w/ the pace of our life and the day to day way we lived. I watch little girls who are the age she would be now and I am amazed at how grown she would be. Strangely, being around girls that age is usually a comfort to me... It's the events that get me and that's completely the opposite of how I thought it would be. I confess to being incredibly sad on the last day of school b/c she would have finished kindergarten and gotten her first real taste of summer break after a full year of schedules and routines... and there were tears when she missed what I know would have been her first spend the night party... I guess it's always going to be those "firsts" that get me.... all those "normal" things she would have done. Thankfully they don't come as often as they did that first year.

So, this weekend we will honor her life and try to raise a little more money for research so that kids like her get the chance to try on "normal" life...



Oh sweet girl, I miss ya tonight. You would have loved standing at the bottom of the slide and watching Iz's face as she flew down and you would have cracked up at you brother tasting his peas tonight. I do wonder where you would fit in the mix if you were here... would you be Queen Bee, keeping tabs on everybody (it's a big job w/ that sister of yours) or would you kind of be off doing your own thing and letting the little ones be? I tend to think you'd want to be in charge, but who knows... I DO know that you are now filled w/ far more joy than any of us can even begin to imagine.

Dad and Iz are off on the golf cart making a trash run. I'm hoping they bring a few blueberries back. Izzy loves them as much as you did... she's starting to ask about you from time to time. I like that. It's hard for her to understand where you are though. That will come with time and I'm grateful for the chance to tell her Catie stories. I think I'm going to go relax and curl up w/ the new book I'm reading. Love you sweet girl... Eskimo, butterfly, Daddy, and NikNik kisses to you.

Conversations

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

Living Gratefully

In college, my roommate and I had a book called 10,000 Things to be Happy About. It was a smallish, but chunky book that simply listed things that the author was grateful for... things that made her happy. For a while, Alice and I would take turns reading through the book and highlighting the things that made us happy as well... Then we started our own "Happy Journal." I still have it and on occasion (though it's been far, far, far too long) whoever has it will pull it out, write in it and then mail it to the other one. I don't think that I've written in it since Catie died, not because I'm not grateful, but b/c sometimes I think some of the things I'm thankful for might sound strange once I write them down... For instance, how can you be happy about a melancholy evening b/c it makes you feel closer to the daughter you've lost?

But the other night I walked out of CVS w/ Chip snuggled against me (there's something for the pages of our book) and the mugginess of the air hit me... it was the first breath of a hot summer night I've felt this year... and honestly, the first time I really remember noticing it since she died. I know I've felt it, but I haven't noticed it. That muggy breath of air took me back to bike-riding down a hill like I did many a night in the neighborhood I grew up in... and playing kick the can at my Granny's house w/ the other kids in the neighborhood... nights at the ballpark...

It's strange how I'm suddenly able to notice more things in recent months... things that I've experienced in the last 2 years, but have somehow missed. I still miss Catie, in fact, I've really missed her even more the last couple of weeks... but somehow, some of the fog seems to be lifting a bit. A fog that I don't even know that I knew was there.

I think I might have to take to writing in that old journal again, even if some of the things I write seem a little odd.

Hey there!

Want some chocolate cake? A friend showed up w/ the stuff to make the mug chocolate cakes. It's amazing how much it grew while it was cooking. :)


Sweet boy!


Chip hanging out w/ Flat Stanley.

Just a quick note to say thanks for all of your suggestions about salvaging the chalk writing in the playhouse. It sounds like there may be a spray that we can use to preserve it. :) I haven't made it to Lowe's or Home Depot yet, but hope to soon. You guys had some good ideas! :) Thank you!!

What a Great Weekend!

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous!! Our original plan was a great visit w/ my college roommate and her family. But the ickies invaded at her house, so we had to postpone until next month. We were really disappointed, but now we have something to look forward to in May. :)

It turned out to be such a nice weekend. It wasn't perfect (there were meltdowns and Chip hasn't been 100%... it was NORMAL), but it was as close to perfect as you can get. And I loved it too b/c it was peppered w/ Catie moments throughout. Saturday found Iz and I in the yard as Tre' and Chip napped. We watered the new plants in Catie's garden and spent time swinging. That girl LOVES to be outside!!! :) Yesterday afternoon there was a sidewalk chalk arts festival downtown. We headed down there and met some good friends. We checked out the AMAZING drawings on the sidewalk, hit the playground, ordered pizza from a great little joint downtown, and then crashed on the lawn (well.. the adults were getting tired, but the kids were still fully charged!)for an outdoor showing of Finding Nemo. Anyone who's followed us since Catie, knows that she LOVED that movie. We have so many lines from it that we would always say with her that we just love ("You guys made me ink!" and "He touched the butt." and so many more!)... and "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" kind of became our motto w/ all we went through w/ Catie. Neither Tre' nor I had watched the whole movie since Catie died -- I had watched bits and pieces. We didn't make it through the whole movie (Iz was worn out, so we left about halfway through), but I think we did pretty good last night! Iz had a blast and Chip was his usual laid back self (I hope I didn't just jinx myself by typing that!!). It was so great to pal around w/ friends and just have a good time. We also ran into someone who had followed our blog for a long time and told us she had prayed so hard for us... That was pretty neat and meant a lot to Tre' and I that she took the time to stop and say, "hi."

I remember BEFORE... before all this how I loved it when the weather started turning gorgeous like this... It just felt like it could pick you up and carry you along to wonderful places... The year Catie died, I don't even remember spring... nothing about it at all. I remember thinking that I guessed that would just be how it was now... I would never get that pick me up feeling from spring or the first brisk fall night or from blaring music while riding down the road w/ the windows down. I just kind of figured that was gone w/ Catie... that carefree feeling was one of those things that I wouldn't be able to get back. This weekend, though, I tasted it a bit. And it felt. so. good. It doesn't change our longing for Catie... that will NEVER go away, but it's nice to soar a bit on the wings of a beautiful day.

The other thing that was nice about this weekend was the "Catie moments" sprinkled throughout. I've already shared a couple, and it really seems like there were a lot this weekend... However, I will share w/ you the funniest one. The funniest, by far, was tonight when Iz and I were riding the golf cart. Catie LOVED frogs. We still have her "frog stick" (used to nudge the frogs to jump) on our front porch, she ended up calling one of Tre's aunts Aunt Frog and the name still sticks. We have tons of tree frogs around here and they always remind us of Catie. Several have somehow gotten in our house or car since she died, and they love to get on the underside of the doorknob so you get a nice slime when you open it. We had TONS of frog encounters that first spring after she died. They still come, though they are not quite as frequent as then. I kind of think (though I could totally be wrong) that it's kind of God's way of letting Catie send us a hello or an "i'm ok..." Frog and butterfly sightings (esp. when they show up in unusual places or at unusual times) always make us think of Catie. I could so be completely wrong, but it's just funny how they pop up when we need a pick me up. So ANYWAY... Iz and I had run to our neighbors on the golf cart. We were coming back when I saw something small coming towards us through the air. And then THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. SLIMY. ON. MY. FACE!!!!!!! I'm trying not to drive in the ditch while trying to peel whatever in the heck is sliming my face off and then it's gone and I look at Izzy's shoe (and her face -- hahaha) and on her croc is the little green tree frog that totally just landed on my nose. Izzy laughed and laughed and laughed!!!!!!! Good gosh.... I love moments like those. And I love that even though I may be totally wrong about God letting Catie send us a hello, it still makes me feel closer to her.

There were times this weekend that my heart would squeeze and I would think, "Oh I wish Catie were here too." or "Oh this would have been completely perfect if I heard her little giggle mixed w/ Izzy's." But, I guess one of the things I realized this weekend is that a really good day is full of those bittersweet moments that make me miss Catie. That makes my day fuller and makes her feel closer. And, sure, sometimes it makes me sad, but other times... other times I just love her even though she's not here. And, that... is just fine w/ me.

Loss and New Life

How strange to sit here looking at this beautiful 4.5 day old little boy and think of what we were doing exactly 2 years ago. Tonight as we snuggle and love on and get to know this precious baby boy, we know that 2 years ago we were snuggling on, loving on, and saying goodbye to Catie. In some ways we wonder how 2 years have passed already and in others we wonder how in the world it's been only 2 years. Time is a strange thing. Chip's arrival has definitely relieved the anticipation of tomorrow a bit. I don't think I'll ever be able to put words to all the emotions we feel in the month of January. What a wide range of feelings God made us humans capable of feeling.

So... we will continue to celebrate Catie, Izzy, and Chip... and we will continue to miss Catie... and life will continue to bustle forward. We will be grateful for the tremendous blessings in our life even as we continue to grieve our loss.

We are all adjusting well to being a household of 4. Izzy has handled things like a champ. My mom has been here, so Iz has been getting lots of extra love as we adjust to juggling 2 kiddos. Chip is a snuggler and we are loving it. We're definitely lacking some sleep, but that's ok. We'll update more later this week... We're just busy soaking up Chip, loving on Izzy, and processing all that comes with January.

Thanks for checking in!!

January

So it hit me today that on Saturday I was exactly at the point in this pregnancy that I was in my pregnancy with Izzy on the day that Catie died. I honestly do not remember ever being "this" pregnant w/ Iz. I know it's just because of all that was going on, but it's amazing to look back and see the grace that was given to us to carry us through those days. I cannot believe that Chip's birthday, Catie's Heaven Day, and Izzy's birthday are all falling w/in 2 weeks of each other.

2 years seems like so long ago. Someone was at our house a few weeks ago and looked at Izzy and said, I can't believe she is almost 2. And there was a big pregnant pause b/c the immediate thought that came next for all of us was "and that Catie's been gone nearly 2 years." I was so worried that every time I looked at Iz I would get kind of a mental picture of how long it's been since Catie left us. It really hasn't been like that at all... for lots of reasons I guess... we're so head over heels in love w/ Izzy that it's impossible to look at her and think of loss, she keeps us so busy (she walks no where -- she has one speed and it's fast) that there's not time to think about that, and we're learning... We still feel her loss every single day, and I don't think anything will ever change that. When something so sacred is ripped from your life, the hole doesn't disappear, you just learn to live with it. But we are learning and we will continue to learn.

The Holidays

Thus far the holidays this year aren't quite as intimidating as they were last year. Last year, they flat out scared the mess out of me... How on earth were we supposed to do Christmas without Catie. I'm not sure if I just know that we survived last year, so we'll be ok, if we're making progress, if I'm in denial, or maybe just a little of all of the above. Thanksgiving this year was, for me, the least challenging holiday I've had since we lost her. Again... not sure if it was denial or if after being stuck in the house, on the couch trying to get this baby to cook a bit longer that I was just so glad to get out of the house that it didn't even matter. Who knows...

We haven't decorated yet, but we will this week. I have broken out the Christmas music. It's funny how some songs make me smile and some just smack me between the eyes and can start the tears. This year, as Christmas approaches there is this incredible excitement to see it through Izzy's eyes... I know she's old enough to understand a bit more this year... no she won't get it all, but she's already talking lots about HoHo and she loves seeing Christmas stuff that's already out. I can't wait to see what she thinks about having a tree and lights up in her house! Then there is the stuff that will trigger so many Catie memories... That's good and hard. I guess we just keep doing what we've done since we lost her... really since she was diagnosed.... keep rolling with the punches, cry when you need to, and keep moving forward... just keep swimming...

Sometimes it still just makes me crazy to know that our family will never be totally complete this side of Heaven. Someone will always, always be missing. And I still hate that Izzy and Chip got jipped out of knowing Catie... though I'm glad they don't have to deal with the grief of missing. But I'm also grateful that I'm not completely frightened by Christmas this year... and I really can't wait to watch Izzy learn to enjoy the magic of the season...

Welcome Home Sweet Joey

Joey hurt his back last weekend. We're not sure how he did it, but w were told it was not an uncommon injury for dogs like him with short legs and longer backs. Our vet worked for a week trying to help him... his back legs were paralyzed and he had lost control of his urine and bowels. We were hoping that he would improve, but he did not. So on Friday afternoon our Joey was welcomed home by the person who loved him more than anybody... I can just picture Catie as she stood at the gates of Heaven and Joey bounded into her arms. I have no doubt they spent the weekend running through the fields of Heaven. I'm even betting there was a little wrestling involved as Catie couldn't really do that with him here on Earth b/c of her balance.

The day we brought Joey home, Catie was about a week out of her 3rd major craniotomy. She was still feeling not so great and moving slow. She was very nervous about hurting her head. I knew Joey was the dog for us when he gently crawled up on top of her where she was lying and they both fell sound asleep.



He was always such a comfort for Catie. Just as he knew what Catie needed... he always knew what Izzy could handle as well. He was gentle and easy with her when she was small and in recent months they have enjoyed some hearty play in our great room. Iz dubbed him JoJo and that's often the first word from her mouth when we pull up at the house...


Oh, we'll miss him.... but I also know that he's just fine and that he and our girl Catie are basking in joys we have yet to know or understand.

6 Years Old

Happy Birthday sweet Catie Bug! On Friday, she would have been 6. Six! That sounds so grown. I didn't think days like that were going to be too bad when we first lost her b/c I know she was never meant to live to be 6 or 8 or 20. But in my mind... she was always meant to live that long. The anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day and this year was no different. Friday was just kind of a melancholy day. The day was eased by phone calls, texts and e-mails from dear friends and family. One friend brought a "chicknen biscuit w/ chicknen on it" by school for me... Had Catie been here, I have no doubt the day would have involved Chick-fil-A in some shape, form, or fashion. On the way from Chick-fil-A to the school, my friend saw a huge rainbow... Way to go Catie (and Hayley -- I'm betting the 2 of you were in on that together). This makes us 2 for 2 as far as rainbows and celebrating Catie's birthday without her. I know it won't happen every year, but it's been pretty special thus far.

We also decided to start a new tradition w/ Iz of letting balloons go at the cemetary on Catie's birthday. I think this will be something that will allow our other kiddos to be a part of her day in years to come. This year though, let's just say it was a good thing we had tucked an extra balloon in the car. Letting balloons fly to the sky with no chance of recovering them can be a bit traumatic for a 20 month old! :)

I think one of the things that struck me as harder this year was the fact that I didn't know what Catie would have wanted for her birthday this year or what kind of party she would have wanted... Last year, I still had an idea... it hadn't been that long since we had lost her and I kind of figured she would still like similar things. This year though, if she had been here, she would have started school, met new people, liked new things... I have no idea what she would have been into or what her new interests would have been. That was harder this year.

In the last couple of weeks, Iz has really taken to watching Catie's video from her Celebration of Life. She loves it. She'll run over to the computer and say, "Cakie, Cakie." She names all the people she knows in the video, sometimes imitates what's Catie is doing in the pictures, and laughs hysterically at the picture of Catie in the Groucho Marx glasses and the section where Catie is opening her little chair at her 2nd birthday party. You can almost see her little brain trying to figure out... who exactly is this little person named Catie that's in all these pictures with people I know and love...

1st Days, Adjustments, and Grieving with Hope

So today was the day... the first day of school. There were definitely thoughts of Catie and what she would have thought of kindergarten, how her day would have been, who her classmates would have been. I'm happy to say we survived the day. My meltdowns always seem to come ahead of whatever I'm dreading, and I managed to take care of it yesterday instead of this morning. Definitely a good things considering I had to do school stuff at school today!! I confess to tearing up a bit as I watched little ones reuniting w/ their mommas at the end of the day... All in all though, I think we managed well. Boy we still miss her like mad though!!

Anticipating what would have been her 1st day at school has had her on the brain even more than usual. Catie stories have filled my head. I rarely call Izzy Catie these days, but it has happened at least 3 times in the last week. She has been very present in my mind for sure.

Izzy has done a great job transitioning into going to the sitter's house! She is such a social bug and loves, loves, loves playing with the other kids who are there. She is cheerful when I drop her off and cheerful when I pick her up. We are so grateful for Mrs. Amber and for the fact that Izzy is so comfortable there. She is a tired puppy at the end of the day, but I have no doubt that's because of our early morning wake up call! It's ENTIRELY too early for this momma!! We're adjusting though... which includes trying to tame the night owl in me. :)

I'm sure many of you have heard about the tragic loss that Steven Curtis Chapman's family experienced in May. This morning, Good Morning America aired an interview with their family that is very moving. Click here to view the interview. I could identify with so much of what they said. At one point they talk about being a family of faith, but also being a family with a lot of questions. And then SCC says something to the effect of, "But that's what faith is.... it's having faith through the questions." Powerful stuff.

One last note... Please pray for our friend Tyler Copley and his family. He has battled far more and far harder than anyone should have to. His time is short. He and his mom were always good about coming by to visit us when we were inpatient... Our thoughts and prayers are with them now. We pray his journey is easy, his suffering short, and we know his joy will soon be complete.

A Gift

So today I ran by my new school to see what room I'm going to be in. I'm going to be doing intervention (working w/ kids who need a little extra help) so I'm not going to have a homeroom. I wanted to see the room to get an idea of what I needed to do in it.

A little background -- When Catie turned 3, she went to preschool through the school system for 1/2 a year. I knew the teacher (had taught with her and taught her son) and I knew the physical and occupational therapists she would be working with. I knew she was in good hands. So, for that time, she went to preschool at the school I'm going to be teaching at.

So... today I go to see my room... Would you believe that out of all the rooms in that school, I am in the room that Catie was in for 3 year old preschool??????? It took my breath away, but there is something strangely comforting about it. It is the only room in the whole county that I could have ended up in that she had spent time in... So, though I know there will be tears on the first day of school because I won't be walking her down to her kindergarten classroom... I'll be in the only room in the school she's spent time in... What are the odds of that?

A Visit

The cemetary is not a place we visit frequently, we know it's not where Catie really is. Sure, her body is there, but we know she is living full and free and full of joy in Heaven. It is a place I like to go on occasion though... usually it's just a quick visit, a drop in. I'm so glad that we had Catie's picture engraved on her stone.. it's nice to know that folks can see her instead of just a name and some dates. We were headed out to the beach to meet friends on Monday and were passing not far from the cemetary, so Iz and I stopped by. I pulled her from her car seat and set her in the grass. She followed me to Catie's spot, just off the road. I bent down and began dusting the dirt from her stone. I swear, every time I do that, I have this thought... "Here I am at my daughter's grave, brushing the dirt from her stone. I had another daughter and she died." It's strange how the loss can be so present in our lives, but still so unreal at the same time. So I'm brushing the stone and Iz walks over and I point to the stone. "Catie," I say. She reaches down with her tiny, pudgy hand and gently brushes the engraving, she brushes her sister's face. Then, in her sweet toddler way, she begins to blow kisses towards her sister's picture. My heart stopped with the sweetness and the unfairness of the moment. The sweetness that Izzy knows that Catie is someone special in our family and the utter, complete unfairness that she never met her... A tender moment between sisters as best Iz can do given our circumstances. Oh how I pray that we raise her and this sweet babe in my belly to know Catie... to know her as she was, not grown bigger than life because she's gone... to know her and to love her without being morbid or overdoing it. It's a balance I've worried about since Catie died... I want them to know her and love her as best they can without meeting her, but I never want them to feel overshadowed by her. I pray we find the right balance.

Iz is our wild woman for sure, but she definitely has a tender heart. It's strange to think how the loss of someone she never met will shape some aspects of her life. I've been watching Army Wives this season. I LOVE the show!! I have been enjoying watching how the characters in the show have dealt with grief (a couple on the show lost their daughter at the begin of the season). There was an interesting quote on the show recently. The husband and wife were talking... talking about all that had changed with the loss of their daughter. And the wife said, "Honey, Amanda's death changed our lives forever. I'm trying really hard not to let it shape our future too." Her husband responded, "I know, but I'm afraid it already has." I have to admit I'm a bit more with the husband on that one. I don't see how Catie's death can have no affect on our future. Something as small as tossing a pebble in the lake sends out ripples... the waves that are caused by the death of a child are more like those that come from a hurricane. They do change what happens to our future. But, I can appreciate what the wife was saying. You've got to find the balance... it's going to shape your future, but you've got to claim some of that future too. You've got to accept yourself as you are now... forever changed because of a vast hole left in your home... and you've got to find a way to embrace life again. Some days it's easier than others. Izzy has definitely made it easier.

I was talking with a dear friend today and we were talking about "Catie stuff." I told her that I didn't expect to be "over" it at this point, but that I was surprised at how very present it all still is. In talking with others who have lost children, I'm more convinced that it's something that takes a lifetime to process. I do think you learn to live with it... we already are learning and have come a long way... but I think you continue to process for all your life. That's ok, because we'll love her all our lives... so I guess it's only fitting.

Catie Days

I call them Catie days... days when she's more present in my mind than on an average day... days when I miss her even more than on a normal day. The missing is never gone, but there are days it is much more present than others. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those days when my mind went back to the end of her life. I remember when it sunk it that things really might not end like we so desperately wanted. And for some reason, today my mind drifted back to that time and replayed it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason -- my brain processing such a traumatic time or something... but whatever the reason, today my mind went back to that morning. I remember trying to find a way to curl my 8 1/2 month pregnant body around her without messing up any of her many, many tubes and wires. And I remember crying and crying. When you are living it, it doesn't seem unimaginable, you're just trying to get through it... But I'm here to tell you that what families of kids with cancer and families of other critically ill kids have to deal with is all too often unimaginable. Those aren't the memories we dwell on here... we try to focus on the good ones. But there are times when you wish that people in the "normal" world knew what goes on in a children's hospital... that they knew what these kids and their families go through.

Earlier, I didn't like days like today, and sometimes I still don't... but sometimes they are somehow, strangely, a comfort. I don't know if somehow I feel closer to Catie or if it helps my heart to process a little more... but sometimes it's ok.

So it was already a Catie day and then I watched Army Wives. I'm a big fan and tonight was the season premier. I won't spoil it for anyone who might have Tivo'd it, but suffice it to say that it got the rest of my good cry for the day out. The ending hit so close to home... letting go... letting go... If you watched it I'm betting you got your cry in too.

Today was one of those days, and for today that was ok. I needed to feel close to her today. It seems like such a long, long time since we let her go.

Quiet Dates

Had life gone as Tre' and I planned, we would have attended pre-k graduation Thursday night... for Catie. Instead we had a nice dinner at home, just the three of us -- Tre', Iz, and I. Had she still been here, I would have been nervous for her b/c I know how she HATED getting up in front of people... she did not like to be up front and center unless it was on her terms. If Catie were still here we would have oohed and awed about how fast she was growing up and how big she was getting and, "oh my goodness, I can't believe you're going to kindergarten next year..." Instead the day passed quietly... and that's ok. I admit to it making me miss her even more. I know that there are many more quietly significant dates for us to face without Catie... dates that would have been this or should have been that. Dates that we won't have a reason to acknowledge except as a reminder of what could have been. Definitely missed her this week.

At the Kitchen Table

Izzy is at that age when her language is growing by leaps and bounds. She's really learning to use her words well and knows a few signs that she likes to use also. Much to my dismay, she has already learned to say, "no." :) Her favorite time to use it is when we ask for kisses. She grins big and shakes her head back and forth as fast as she can telling us no! She seems to have a bit of her sister's teasing nature in her. :)

She loves to point at pictures and have you tell her what's in the picture. Sometimes it's in books, sometimes just photos around the house. Yesterday, we were at the kitchen table and she was pointing to pictures in a picture collage near the table and I was telling her who was in the pictures. She pointed to one: "that's Izzy..." then to another: "that's Izzy and Daddy." She pointed to the next: "that's Catie." Nothing unusual about this conversation so far... happens all the time. But the next thing Iz did caught me off guard. After I said, "that's Catie," she looked at me with a look very similar to this one on her face:



She didn't say the words out loud, but her face was clearly asking, "where's Catie?" just as if she were looking for Tre' or Joey. For her that moment didn't seem significant, but for me it was. Maybe because I so long for what could have been... maybe b/c she realized that this girl Catie sure is in lots of pictures around here, so shouldn't I know her. Who knows... I'm glad she doesn't have to miss Catie like we do. I don't ever want her to have to know hurt like that. But somehow it felt good for her to be curious about her.

Catie

So it's been a while since I watched the "A Few of our Favorite Things" video that Uncle D made with pictures of Catie and some of her favorite music. I still can't believe that he was able to put that together in 2 days (no doubt I owe him big time for the sleep deprivation that weekend!). Well, I watched it this morning and it was so good... sometimes if I don't look back at pictures a lot, the memories that stick are the times when she was the sickest. Random memories will sometimes pop in my head... like the times I made her throw up b/c I didn't know yet that you shouldn't put cold liquids into a g-tube, or the time I had to access her port and her skin was raw from tegaderms and I had to scrub it with alcohol... There was too much she had to go through and goodness knows she took it with the grace of someone 5 times her age. The video makes me proud. Proud b/c despite the incredibly rotten hand she and our family were dealt in cancer, she really was happy. She smiled and she laughed and she lived and she loved and she was loved. I remember the setting for most every picture in the video... if she's laughing, I could probably tell you why... I can tell you if she's in the hospital (and if she is, if it's in Savannah or Atlanta), or at the beach or at home or somewhere else... I can tell you what point we were at in treatment... I can tell you that in one picture, she has hair as far as you can tell, but the back was completely bald where her hair had been rubbing off as she slept... I'm so thankful for pictures and for the memories they trigger. I know that I would not remember so many of those moments were it not for having them recorded. I'm thankful for the reminder that so much of her life was good, was happy... I love the pictures of her laughing or grinning or playing at the hospital. If she could do that in the midst of all she was going through, we can learn to do the same through tough stuff.. She made the best of life with cancer. We can learn to make the best of life without her here. Sure do miss her though...

Absence

"Every minute of his life since then has been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to measure against. And when I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird."
From The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

"I know how absence can be present...." That is a really good way to put it. Catie's absence, while I don't focus consciously on it every minute of the day, seems to be felt in most moments of the day. Even now... 14 months later. I don't know what I expected it to be like this far out from her death. I certainly didn't imagine it to magically be fine or that we would never think of her or that we would suddenly never miss her. But I don't think that I expected her absence to be so present.

The Love of God

Wow! It's been a while since I have written. Iz and I have battled colds, but are definitely on the mend. Izzy has also been honing her walking skills. Last night she walked all the way across the great room into the kitchen as Tre' and I cheered! She's still a bit wobbly, but she has just about got it down. She's quite proud of herself -- you should see the grin on her face!

This weekend we had the opportunity to spend the weekend at the beach with 4 other families who have experienced loss. We were the newbies of the group and the time that had passed since the loss was right at a year for us up to just over 3 years. We spent a lot of time talking about grief and how it affects relationships (with family, your spouse, siblings, friends), sharing what helped on tough days (days I call Catie Days), laughing together, and being free to talk about the child(ren) we had lost without any inhibition. It was freeing to be able to ask big questions that I struggle with and see other heads nodding because they understood or they remembered being where we are now.

I came away from the weekend with a completely different perspective on a couple of things. One of the things was how I perceive God's love. I have believed in God my entire life. There was never a time in my life that I didn't... I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God loves me... but one of the things that's been hard the last year is I haven't always FELT God's love. Now, I know this is a Jenny issue, not a God issue. His love is unchanging... But praying for Catie's life to be spared and not receiving the answer that I wanted.... having God not give us the thing we wanted more than anything else in the world.... it's given me some issues to work through. Don't hear me wrong... I DO believe in God's love, it's is what I FEEL that I'm talking about.

One of the things that came through the planning of this weekend was the recommendation to read a book called The Shack, by William P. Young. I am about halfway through it and it is BLOWING ME AWAY!! Even though I haven't finished it yet, I feel safe in recommending it -- I'm grateful to those who suggested it to me. It is a fictional story that contains much Truth. The overwhelming thing that I am reminded of as I read is of God's love and God's goodness. God did not create us to be broken as we humans are... He created us for relationship and wholeness. We had to go and throw sin in the mix and mess it all up. I must remember (and sometimes relearn) to TRUST God.... even though it means that the answers to my prayers still might not be what I so desperately hope for. That is very hard at times... I want that security, that comfort... So, I must choose to trust God with my family even as I acknowledge that trusting God with Catie didn't bring what I, as an earthly, human mom wanted most. But I must trust that in the End... where things really matter, that I will be amazed to see what God has brought from the mess we humans have created... I will stand in awe as it is revealed.

I do believe in His love and in His goodness... sometimes the feeling part is still just a little hard. But... I am human, I am broken, I don't have my Heaven eyes yet... I have to remind myself of my limitations and of the fact that one day.... one beautiful, beautiful day God will place that eternal view in my eyes and I will truly see...

On Saturday night, we had a remembrance service. Scripture was shared about the great reunion that will be and we lit candles and shared something about our children as music played. There were tears, oh yes, but how meaningful to hear such words of love spoken. We then broke bread and shared the Lord's Supper together. I thought that was the perfect way to follow the remembrance service... by remembering the sacrifice made so that we have the promise of seeing Catie again. Dear friends sang Amazing Grace to close our time of worship. Then we cranked up the music, broke out the Wii (the guys all had a blast) and just had a great time together. I promise, if you had walked in then, you wouldn't have believed we were there together because of the great losses that had reached into each of our homes. I'm so grateful for the time we shared together.

Today is a Catie Day of sorts. There have been waves today, waves of missing and longing, and of wishing things could have been different. But I wouldn't take from her what she has now for anything... no matter how much I miss her... we'll get there one day and she'll be there then...