6 Years Old

Happy Birthday sweet Catie Bug! On Friday, she would have been 6. Six! That sounds so grown. I didn't think days like that were going to be too bad when we first lost her b/c I know she was never meant to live to be 6 or 8 or 20. But in my mind... she was always meant to live that long. The anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day and this year was no different. Friday was just kind of a melancholy day. The day was eased by phone calls, texts and e-mails from dear friends and family. One friend brought a "chicknen biscuit w/ chicknen on it" by school for me... Had Catie been here, I have no doubt the day would have involved Chick-fil-A in some shape, form, or fashion. On the way from Chick-fil-A to the school, my friend saw a huge rainbow... Way to go Catie (and Hayley -- I'm betting the 2 of you were in on that together). This makes us 2 for 2 as far as rainbows and celebrating Catie's birthday without her. I know it won't happen every year, but it's been pretty special thus far.

We also decided to start a new tradition w/ Iz of letting balloons go at the cemetary on Catie's birthday. I think this will be something that will allow our other kiddos to be a part of her day in years to come. This year though, let's just say it was a good thing we had tucked an extra balloon in the car. Letting balloons fly to the sky with no chance of recovering them can be a bit traumatic for a 20 month old! :)

I think one of the things that struck me as harder this year was the fact that I didn't know what Catie would have wanted for her birthday this year or what kind of party she would have wanted... Last year, I still had an idea... it hadn't been that long since we had lost her and I kind of figured she would still like similar things. This year though, if she had been here, she would have started school, met new people, liked new things... I have no idea what she would have been into or what her new interests would have been. That was harder this year.

In the last couple of weeks, Iz has really taken to watching Catie's video from her Celebration of Life. She loves it. She'll run over to the computer and say, "Cakie, Cakie." She names all the people she knows in the video, sometimes imitates what's Catie is doing in the pictures, and laughs hysterically at the picture of Catie in the Groucho Marx glasses and the section where Catie is opening her little chair at her 2nd birthday party. You can almost see her little brain trying to figure out... who exactly is this little person named Catie that's in all these pictures with people I know and love...