It's Been a While...

A long while in fact! And I guess there are lots of reasons for that. 2 kiddos underfoot, taking a class, and teaching full time are probably the big things to blame for why I haven't written in so long. I do miss writing -- it really is just hard to find the time (to do the laundry, much less write!!).

And I guess, if I'm totally honest, there are other reasons too. It's been a tough year for a lot of families that we know. Folks we went through treatment with and very close family members have had some really tough stuff to face this year. The Morgans lost Ryan and Missy, the Maxeys lost a 2nd daughter to cancer, others we know and went through treatment with have relapsed at 5 years out... In some ways, it's been hard to come here and tell funny stories about Izzy and Chip when I know so many others have been hurting. I know, because of Catie (and these others listed here), to cling to these amazing times with our kids, but I just couldn't write about it.

Most recently, tragedy hit much to close to home. My sister and her husband, known to most folks here as Aunt Nik Nik and Uncle D, learned in mid September that the baby boy she was carrying, Aiden John, had Trisomy 18. She was due in early February, but he was stillborn early Christmas morning. I still reel to write that or say it out loud... Christmas morning. My initial reaction was anger... anger because I didn't want that day to have to be Christmas day for them and anger because I didn't, and don't, want them to know that hurt that they now know all too well. It shouldn't have happened again. And as I thought more, though I still worry for them and Christmas Day, I was reminded that because of Christmas day, because of the birth of another Baby Boy, both Aunt Nik's and our family will one day be whole again...

I just hurt for them... because I never wanted them to have to know this hurt... and because I know we can't fix it for them...

In spite of it all, there was laughter and joy this weekend, mixed in with the sorrow and tears... Sometimes life is messy and hard, but it is the life we've been given and I will continue to try to do what I learned from Catie -- live full and keep laughing. I don't do it nearly as well as she did, but I'm working on it.

I've thought a lot about Heaven this weekend. I imagined Catie peeking through the gates as sweet Baby Aiden was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. And then I totally imagine her carrying him everywhere. That girl loved babies... loved them I tell you!

We've kind of let Iz guide us this weekend to let us know what she needed to know. At one point during the service this morning, she looked at me and said, "Momma, Baby Aiden not get to grow up?" Oh sweet baby, how I wish my answer could be different for you...

So... I promise to try my very best to get some new pictures up soon!! Chip is ginormous and Iz is starting to look (and act) so grown up!! I hope you and yours had a wondrous holiday season full of the wonder and magic and the promise of the eternal that is Christmas!!

Now, I'm off to try to find homes for all these toys!!

BTW, if you'd like to drop in on Nik and D, their blog is www.theoddkouple.com .

Conversations

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

Living Gratefully

In college, my roommate and I had a book called 10,000 Things to be Happy About. It was a smallish, but chunky book that simply listed things that the author was grateful for... things that made her happy. For a while, Alice and I would take turns reading through the book and highlighting the things that made us happy as well... Then we started our own "Happy Journal." I still have it and on occasion (though it's been far, far, far too long) whoever has it will pull it out, write in it and then mail it to the other one. I don't think that I've written in it since Catie died, not because I'm not grateful, but b/c sometimes I think some of the things I'm thankful for might sound strange once I write them down... For instance, how can you be happy about a melancholy evening b/c it makes you feel closer to the daughter you've lost?

But the other night I walked out of CVS w/ Chip snuggled against me (there's something for the pages of our book) and the mugginess of the air hit me... it was the first breath of a hot summer night I've felt this year... and honestly, the first time I really remember noticing it since she died. I know I've felt it, but I haven't noticed it. That muggy breath of air took me back to bike-riding down a hill like I did many a night in the neighborhood I grew up in... and playing kick the can at my Granny's house w/ the other kids in the neighborhood... nights at the ballpark...

It's strange how I'm suddenly able to notice more things in recent months... things that I've experienced in the last 2 years, but have somehow missed. I still miss Catie, in fact, I've really missed her even more the last couple of weeks... but somehow, some of the fog seems to be lifting a bit. A fog that I don't even know that I knew was there.

I think I might have to take to writing in that old journal again, even if some of the things I write seem a little odd.

What a Great Weekend!

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous!! Our original plan was a great visit w/ my college roommate and her family. But the ickies invaded at her house, so we had to postpone until next month. We were really disappointed, but now we have something to look forward to in May. :)

It turned out to be such a nice weekend. It wasn't perfect (there were meltdowns and Chip hasn't been 100%... it was NORMAL), but it was as close to perfect as you can get. And I loved it too b/c it was peppered w/ Catie moments throughout. Saturday found Iz and I in the yard as Tre' and Chip napped. We watered the new plants in Catie's garden and spent time swinging. That girl LOVES to be outside!!! :) Yesterday afternoon there was a sidewalk chalk arts festival downtown. We headed down there and met some good friends. We checked out the AMAZING drawings on the sidewalk, hit the playground, ordered pizza from a great little joint downtown, and then crashed on the lawn (well.. the adults were getting tired, but the kids were still fully charged!)for an outdoor showing of Finding Nemo. Anyone who's followed us since Catie, knows that she LOVED that movie. We have so many lines from it that we would always say with her that we just love ("You guys made me ink!" and "He touched the butt." and so many more!)... and "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" kind of became our motto w/ all we went through w/ Catie. Neither Tre' nor I had watched the whole movie since Catie died -- I had watched bits and pieces. We didn't make it through the whole movie (Iz was worn out, so we left about halfway through), but I think we did pretty good last night! Iz had a blast and Chip was his usual laid back self (I hope I didn't just jinx myself by typing that!!). It was so great to pal around w/ friends and just have a good time. We also ran into someone who had followed our blog for a long time and told us she had prayed so hard for us... That was pretty neat and meant a lot to Tre' and I that she took the time to stop and say, "hi."

I remember BEFORE... before all this how I loved it when the weather started turning gorgeous like this... It just felt like it could pick you up and carry you along to wonderful places... The year Catie died, I don't even remember spring... nothing about it at all. I remember thinking that I guessed that would just be how it was now... I would never get that pick me up feeling from spring or the first brisk fall night or from blaring music while riding down the road w/ the windows down. I just kind of figured that was gone w/ Catie... that carefree feeling was one of those things that I wouldn't be able to get back. This weekend, though, I tasted it a bit. And it felt. so. good. It doesn't change our longing for Catie... that will NEVER go away, but it's nice to soar a bit on the wings of a beautiful day.

The other thing that was nice about this weekend was the "Catie moments" sprinkled throughout. I've already shared a couple, and it really seems like there were a lot this weekend... However, I will share w/ you the funniest one. The funniest, by far, was tonight when Iz and I were riding the golf cart. Catie LOVED frogs. We still have her "frog stick" (used to nudge the frogs to jump) on our front porch, she ended up calling one of Tre's aunts Aunt Frog and the name still sticks. We have tons of tree frogs around here and they always remind us of Catie. Several have somehow gotten in our house or car since she died, and they love to get on the underside of the doorknob so you get a nice slime when you open it. We had TONS of frog encounters that first spring after she died. They still come, though they are not quite as frequent as then. I kind of think (though I could totally be wrong) that it's kind of God's way of letting Catie send us a hello or an "i'm ok..." Frog and butterfly sightings (esp. when they show up in unusual places or at unusual times) always make us think of Catie. I could so be completely wrong, but it's just funny how they pop up when we need a pick me up. So ANYWAY... Iz and I had run to our neighbors on the golf cart. We were coming back when I saw something small coming towards us through the air. And then THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. SLIMY. ON. MY. FACE!!!!!!! I'm trying not to drive in the ditch while trying to peel whatever in the heck is sliming my face off and then it's gone and I look at Izzy's shoe (and her face -- hahaha) and on her croc is the little green tree frog that totally just landed on my nose. Izzy laughed and laughed and laughed!!!!!!! Good gosh.... I love moments like those. And I love that even though I may be totally wrong about God letting Catie send us a hello, it still makes me feel closer to her.

There were times this weekend that my heart would squeeze and I would think, "Oh I wish Catie were here too." or "Oh this would have been completely perfect if I heard her little giggle mixed w/ Izzy's." But, I guess one of the things I realized this weekend is that a really good day is full of those bittersweet moments that make me miss Catie. That makes my day fuller and makes her feel closer. And, sure, sometimes it makes me sad, but other times... other times I just love her even though she's not here. And, that... is just fine w/ me.

Heaven

Before Catie died, I never thought a lot about Heaven. It's where I'm going when I die and that's about all I thought about it. I didn't give much consideration to what you do and what it's like. But with Catie there, it's definitely something I think about. I wish she could somehow send us a quarterly newsletter sharing the highlights of what she sees and does. As a Momma, it's hard not knowing what fills her life now. I don't know what Heaven will be like, but I know it will be so much better than anything I can even come close to fathoming... So, though I don't know what fills Catie's days (are there even days and nights in Heaven? time doesn't matter), I know that her heart is fuller and she is happier and more peaceful than I can even imagine. She is complete.

I do dream about what it will be like when I see her again. I always picture her with hair and still at the age of 4... and I picture her running... sometimes w/ her familiar wobble and sometimes not (is perfection being totally able-bodied or being accepted and loved by everyone you encounter for who you are, just the way you are?)... I always lift her and she fits her body into just the place she always fit and lays her head on my shoulder in the same place she always did. And I just hold her... and after a moment or two, her voice with that sweet southern accent begins to speak... and the words come out so quickly with her trying to share w/ me the things she's seen and known and done... And she laughs and she shares... And I just listen... and I soak it up... and I am grateful... grateful for a God who's plan was big enough to make a way for us to see her again... big enough to make a way to share her with us again....

I don't have any biblical back up for the specifics of my daydream... I don't know if we'll be in bodies or if it will just be our souls.... but however it is, I do believe that even as good as that daydream is, what will truly happen will be even better. I don't think our minds can comprehend the wholeness and completeness that is Heaven.

There is a song that Brad Paisley sings that I just love. I have it on my iPod and I confess to listening to it several times on some days. I know that when I get where I'm going, I will meet my Maker and I will lift Catie to my hip. There are no tears of sorrow in Heaven, but that day there may be tears of joy.

When I Get Where I'm Goin'

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

The Love of God

Wow! It's been a while since I have written. Iz and I have battled colds, but are definitely on the mend. Izzy has also been honing her walking skills. Last night she walked all the way across the great room into the kitchen as Tre' and I cheered! She's still a bit wobbly, but she has just about got it down. She's quite proud of herself -- you should see the grin on her face!

This weekend we had the opportunity to spend the weekend at the beach with 4 other families who have experienced loss. We were the newbies of the group and the time that had passed since the loss was right at a year for us up to just over 3 years. We spent a lot of time talking about grief and how it affects relationships (with family, your spouse, siblings, friends), sharing what helped on tough days (days I call Catie Days), laughing together, and being free to talk about the child(ren) we had lost without any inhibition. It was freeing to be able to ask big questions that I struggle with and see other heads nodding because they understood or they remembered being where we are now.

I came away from the weekend with a completely different perspective on a couple of things. One of the things was how I perceive God's love. I have believed in God my entire life. There was never a time in my life that I didn't... I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God loves me... but one of the things that's been hard the last year is I haven't always FELT God's love. Now, I know this is a Jenny issue, not a God issue. His love is unchanging... But praying for Catie's life to be spared and not receiving the answer that I wanted.... having God not give us the thing we wanted more than anything else in the world.... it's given me some issues to work through. Don't hear me wrong... I DO believe in God's love, it's is what I FEEL that I'm talking about.

One of the things that came through the planning of this weekend was the recommendation to read a book called The Shack, by William P. Young. I am about halfway through it and it is BLOWING ME AWAY!! Even though I haven't finished it yet, I feel safe in recommending it -- I'm grateful to those who suggested it to me. It is a fictional story that contains much Truth. The overwhelming thing that I am reminded of as I read is of God's love and God's goodness. God did not create us to be broken as we humans are... He created us for relationship and wholeness. We had to go and throw sin in the mix and mess it all up. I must remember (and sometimes relearn) to TRUST God.... even though it means that the answers to my prayers still might not be what I so desperately hope for. That is very hard at times... I want that security, that comfort... So, I must choose to trust God with my family even as I acknowledge that trusting God with Catie didn't bring what I, as an earthly, human mom wanted most. But I must trust that in the End... where things really matter, that I will be amazed to see what God has brought from the mess we humans have created... I will stand in awe as it is revealed.

I do believe in His love and in His goodness... sometimes the feeling part is still just a little hard. But... I am human, I am broken, I don't have my Heaven eyes yet... I have to remind myself of my limitations and of the fact that one day.... one beautiful, beautiful day God will place that eternal view in my eyes and I will truly see...

On Saturday night, we had a remembrance service. Scripture was shared about the great reunion that will be and we lit candles and shared something about our children as music played. There were tears, oh yes, but how meaningful to hear such words of love spoken. We then broke bread and shared the Lord's Supper together. I thought that was the perfect way to follow the remembrance service... by remembering the sacrifice made so that we have the promise of seeing Catie again. Dear friends sang Amazing Grace to close our time of worship. Then we cranked up the music, broke out the Wii (the guys all had a blast) and just had a great time together. I promise, if you had walked in then, you wouldn't have believed we were there together because of the great losses that had reached into each of our homes. I'm so grateful for the time we shared together.

Today is a Catie Day of sorts. There have been waves today, waves of missing and longing, and of wishing things could have been different. But I wouldn't take from her what she has now for anything... no matter how much I miss her... we'll get there one day and she'll be there then...

365 Days

Oh sweet girl,
How on earth have we made it a whole year without you? Without your sweet voice, your catching giggle, your mischievous grin, and your sweet arms around our neck. We miss you as much today was we did this same day last year, but we have definitely learned a bit about grief and missing. I think, for me at least, the biggest lesson has been in how to let grief be a part of the every day without letting it govern my life. I've learned that I can miss you and still find happiness in my days. Life will never, ever, ever be as sweet as it was before you left us, but I know that wallowing would not make you proud. There are days that we wallow, but there are days where we do a decent job of trying to live like you taught us... full even when things are hard. Who knew how many lessons a Midget (I miss hearing your daddy call you that) would teach us.

For Daddy and I both, yesterday was harder than today seems so far. You died shortly after midnight, so it was the 19th, but to us it felt like the 18th. I started the day w/ a chicknen biscuit with chicknen on it. I so wished I was ordering you one w/ your kid's sweet tea as I drove through the drive through. Ms. Alice and Mr. Sam stopped by on their way through town which was such a nice surprise, and then we went to Aunt Lisa's for dinner. Chocolate cobbler was for dessert and I think that will be tradition every January 18th from here on out. Today we'll eat lunch at Cracker Barrel, of course, and then head to the cemetary. Your marker is finally in place. Hopefully the rain will let up so we can send some balloons your way.

I wish today wasn't significant, because if it wasn't, you'd still be here with us. But we're not going to focus on what happened on the 19th today or even on what happened Sept. 26, 2002, the day you were born. We're going to focus on what happened in between... all that good stuff and all the memories we have of you and on how full of joy you are now. GaGa sent me a link yesterday called The Dash. I thought it was quite appropriate for this weekend. So today, on your very first Heaven Day, we'll celebrate your dash and be grateful that we were a part of every bit of it. We love you sweet girl, as much today as we ever have. Send some frogs or butterflies our way... (and convince that sister of yours that walking is NOT scary at all -- she's so ready but is a bit of a chicken right now!! :).

The Dash

We love you!
Momma, Daddy, and Iz


UPDATE
Thanks for all your prayers and sweet notes about my dad. He is currently off the vent and was able to have some liquids last night. His kidneys are still not working, but we hope that will improve in coming days as well.

Mixed Bag

As we quickly approach Catie's Heaven Day, I find that the days are much like the year has been... a mixed bag... great joy and delight in Izzy and all the blessings we've been given and such longing and aching for Catie. I went back in our journal and read through her last hospital stay... her last three weeks. I watched her video again and it made me smile and remember and miss all over again. It's hard to believe that in just 10 short days she will have been gone for a whole year. 365 days since we have touched her and kissed her. Oh how we miss her... we are still learning.

If you've followed Catie's story for very long, you'll recall that she LOVED Amy Grant. One of our favorite songs, or one of my favorites maybe I should say, has been Be Still My Soul. I've recently learned it has a third verse. So I thought I'd include all of the verses.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

On Amy Grant's version, there is a spoken part at the end that I love as well.
"Delight yourselves in the Lord. Yes and find your joy in him. Be known for your gentleness and never forget the nearness of our God. And don't worry, whatever's gonna come. Just tell God every detail and the peace of God that noone understands will come to you. No, don't worry. Just tell Him every detail and His peace will come to you."

That song ministered to us as we faced Catie's progressions, her relapse, her final intense treatments, and as we lost her. It continues to speak to us now, because it speaks of a hope and a peace that cannot be explained or understood. That doesn't take the missing away, but it gives you strength and allows you to still feel joy. For that we are quite grateful.

Another first down.

Well we made it through her birthday... I did better than I thought I would. Ended up eating Longhorn's for lunch instead of going out for breakfast (though a dear friend brought a "chicknen biscuit w/ chicknen on it" by to the house -- very appropriate). Longhorn was another favorite of Catie's. I had chicken fingers in honor of Catie (she really was a chicken girl) and Tre', Izzy, and I all 3 enjoyed some bread with our butter.

Yesterday the sky was beautiful all day. It would go from bright blue with a few puffy clouds to cloudy w/ some rain back to bright blue and with just a few clouds. I walked outside around 4:00 yesterday and would you believe that there was a HUGE double rainbow. I'm thinking Catie and Hayley had been busy painting the sky... Thanks for the reminder girls... God keeps his promises and our families will one day be complete again.

Thank you so very much for all the e-mails and calls, cards and posts. It meant so much to know that you all remembered Catie and thought of us. I've got some fun pics of a couple of friends going by the Atlanta RMcD House with a delivery. I'll share those soon. For now, I wanted to share an e-mail that a friend sent yesterday. It comforted me so... I've taken the names out to protect the innocent. Thanks again for caring for our family... We love you. Tre', Jenny, and Izzy


E-MAIL
Ring……Ring….. Ring……



“Hello”



“Oh, hey God! It’s me again. I was calling to wish Catie Wilkins a Happy Birthday”



“She’s out with her friends counting all of the hermit crabs in my oceans right now….. may I take a message for her?”



“Will you let her know that I miss her? It’s been a lonely year down here without her.”



“I know”



“Tell, Catie that Izzy cut her first tooth last week! She is so much fun! I love to hear her laugh”



“I know”



“Tell her that her Mom and Dad miss her terribly but….they really are doing well!”



“I know”



“Tell her they are planning a huge party to celebrate her life here on earth. And people will bring gifts to the RMH in her honor on Friday. She would love that!”



“That’s awesome but…. I know”



“Well…. I know that you ‘know’, GOD but……. How IS Catie?”



“How many trees are on the mountains?”



“Ummmmm, I don’t know.”



“And how do I make the sun rise each morning?”



“Ummmm, couldn’t tell you that one either!”



“Exactly! Let me tell you exactly what YOU need to ‘know’ ……Catie is PERFECT! On this day when you will celebrate her EARTHLY birth……. She will continue to celebrate here in Heaven – absolutely perfect! I sent her to earth to complete a mission and she completed it – perfectly! Now…. She is enjoying the rewards that I promised so long ago.”



“ummmmm….. I know. Sometimes, when I’m sad, it’s just hard to remember that”



“I know. That’s why I give you the trees on the mountainside…… and I give you a beautiful sunrise every morning – just to remind you. And have you NOTICED how many butterflies I’ve sent your way lately???” (ADDED BY JENNY -- "DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE RAINBOW I SENT RIGHT TO HER MOMMA TODAY?")



“Thank you for loving me so much. Please be close to Jenny and Tre’ today as they remember, too. I love them and I’d take the pain away if I could! But, I guess that isn’t my job – that one belongs to you, too. Just let them feel a special touch from you today”



“No problem….. I’ve had several of those requests today!”



“God, thank you for listening”



“Thank YOU for calling! Now…. Have a good day! I have things covered up here!”



“God, that is one thing that I DO know!”

With Hope

It has been a pretty quiet around here this week. With the heat, we have stuck close to home for the most part. We've hit the gym and the grocery store, but other than that and swimming a couple of times... not too much. Izzy likes the water as much as her sister did. She hardly quits moving the whole time she's in the pool. She just kicks and kicks and she gets into splashing if she's in the mood. I'm glad she likes the water.

It is amazing to me -- in some ways at least -- how many times a day Catie crosses our mind. In the grief books, they talk about your mind adjusting to the loss and trying to figure out where the person that you lost fits now that they're gone. That makes a lot of sense to me and I can see Tre' and I trying to work that out. You want to hold on tight because they're gone... but not so tight that you're not living in and enjoying the present.

Lately, in this whole grief thing, I've been wishing for a plan. While Catie was on treatment, there was ALWAYS a plan. You take this medicine every day for 5 days and then you have 23 days off OR you'll go inpatient once a month, 2 days one month, 3 days the next... stay home when counts are low... take this med to prevent this and that med to prevent that.... There was always a plan -- at least until the tumor would throw us off course... but then we always made a new plan. There was comfort (somehow) in the plan because you knew what you had to do... you felt like it gave you some kind of control. Obviously, it didn't give us ANY control, but still, there was comfort in the plan. Sometimes I wish there were a protocol for grief... you know, to let you know what to expect. I must say that it is definitely a learning process. You learn a lot about yourself and how you work and what you need. I still wouldn't mind having a plan though... then too, we would know when to expect the worst of it to be over.

This week I was talking with a friend of mine who was there the night that Catie died. We were talking about the overwhelming peace that was present that night and in the days that followed. A fellow mom on this journey has dubbed it "holy novacaine." Pretty clever term I think. That novacaine does begin to wear off, but for the most part, the peace remains (at least for me it has). It's funny how you can feel peace and sadness at the same time. How you can rejoice for Catie and long to see her all at the same time. I know that I posted the words to Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope on Catie's site, but I'm going to post them again here. They are just dead on... absolutely right.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

With hope... Doesn't take the sadness, doesn't change the grief, but at least there is hope. During treatment, "hope" was my favorite word. Hope of a cure, hope for a future... I worried that I wouldn't like the word anymore if things didn't go the way I wanted. But, I like it even more now... while death could take away my hope for a cure for Catie, nothing can take away the hope that remains. Nothing... It's nice, after all that's happened, that there's something that can't be destroyed or taken from you in this life. So... hope just might still be my favorite word.

Off to visit dreamland. Hope your weekend is good!