1st Days, Adjustments, and Grieving with Hope

So today was the day... the first day of school. There were definitely thoughts of Catie and what she would have thought of kindergarten, how her day would have been, who her classmates would have been. I'm happy to say we survived the day. My meltdowns always seem to come ahead of whatever I'm dreading, and I managed to take care of it yesterday instead of this morning. Definitely a good things considering I had to do school stuff at school today!! I confess to tearing up a bit as I watched little ones reuniting w/ their mommas at the end of the day... All in all though, I think we managed well. Boy we still miss her like mad though!!

Anticipating what would have been her 1st day at school has had her on the brain even more than usual. Catie stories have filled my head. I rarely call Izzy Catie these days, but it has happened at least 3 times in the last week. She has been very present in my mind for sure.

Izzy has done a great job transitioning into going to the sitter's house! She is such a social bug and loves, loves, loves playing with the other kids who are there. She is cheerful when I drop her off and cheerful when I pick her up. We are so grateful for Mrs. Amber and for the fact that Izzy is so comfortable there. She is a tired puppy at the end of the day, but I have no doubt that's because of our early morning wake up call! It's ENTIRELY too early for this momma!! We're adjusting though... which includes trying to tame the night owl in me. :)

I'm sure many of you have heard about the tragic loss that Steven Curtis Chapman's family experienced in May. This morning, Good Morning America aired an interview with their family that is very moving. Click here to view the interview. I could identify with so much of what they said. At one point they talk about being a family of faith, but also being a family with a lot of questions. And then SCC says something to the effect of, "But that's what faith is.... it's having faith through the questions." Powerful stuff.

One last note... Please pray for our friend Tyler Copley and his family. He has battled far more and far harder than anyone should have to. His time is short. He and his mom were always good about coming by to visit us when we were inpatient... Our thoughts and prayers are with them now. We pray his journey is easy, his suffering short, and we know his joy will soon be complete.

A Gift

So today I ran by my new school to see what room I'm going to be in. I'm going to be doing intervention (working w/ kids who need a little extra help) so I'm not going to have a homeroom. I wanted to see the room to get an idea of what I needed to do in it.

A little background -- When Catie turned 3, she went to preschool through the school system for 1/2 a year. I knew the teacher (had taught with her and taught her son) and I knew the physical and occupational therapists she would be working with. I knew she was in good hands. So, for that time, she went to preschool at the school I'm going to be teaching at.

So... today I go to see my room... Would you believe that out of all the rooms in that school, I am in the room that Catie was in for 3 year old preschool??????? It took my breath away, but there is something strangely comforting about it. It is the only room in the whole county that I could have ended up in that she had spent time in... So, though I know there will be tears on the first day of school because I won't be walking her down to her kindergarten classroom... I'll be in the only room in the school she's spent time in... What are the odds of that?

A Visit

The cemetary is not a place we visit frequently, we know it's not where Catie really is. Sure, her body is there, but we know she is living full and free and full of joy in Heaven. It is a place I like to go on occasion though... usually it's just a quick visit, a drop in. I'm so glad that we had Catie's picture engraved on her stone.. it's nice to know that folks can see her instead of just a name and some dates. We were headed out to the beach to meet friends on Monday and were passing not far from the cemetary, so Iz and I stopped by. I pulled her from her car seat and set her in the grass. She followed me to Catie's spot, just off the road. I bent down and began dusting the dirt from her stone. I swear, every time I do that, I have this thought... "Here I am at my daughter's grave, brushing the dirt from her stone. I had another daughter and she died." It's strange how the loss can be so present in our lives, but still so unreal at the same time. So I'm brushing the stone and Iz walks over and I point to the stone. "Catie," I say. She reaches down with her tiny, pudgy hand and gently brushes the engraving, she brushes her sister's face. Then, in her sweet toddler way, she begins to blow kisses towards her sister's picture. My heart stopped with the sweetness and the unfairness of the moment. The sweetness that Izzy knows that Catie is someone special in our family and the utter, complete unfairness that she never met her... A tender moment between sisters as best Iz can do given our circumstances. Oh how I pray that we raise her and this sweet babe in my belly to know Catie... to know her as she was, not grown bigger than life because she's gone... to know her and to love her without being morbid or overdoing it. It's a balance I've worried about since Catie died... I want them to know her and love her as best they can without meeting her, but I never want them to feel overshadowed by her. I pray we find the right balance.

Iz is our wild woman for sure, but she definitely has a tender heart. It's strange to think how the loss of someone she never met will shape some aspects of her life. I've been watching Army Wives this season. I LOVE the show!! I have been enjoying watching how the characters in the show have dealt with grief (a couple on the show lost their daughter at the begin of the season). There was an interesting quote on the show recently. The husband and wife were talking... talking about all that had changed with the loss of their daughter. And the wife said, "Honey, Amanda's death changed our lives forever. I'm trying really hard not to let it shape our future too." Her husband responded, "I know, but I'm afraid it already has." I have to admit I'm a bit more with the husband on that one. I don't see how Catie's death can have no affect on our future. Something as small as tossing a pebble in the lake sends out ripples... the waves that are caused by the death of a child are more like those that come from a hurricane. They do change what happens to our future. But, I can appreciate what the wife was saying. You've got to find the balance... it's going to shape your future, but you've got to claim some of that future too. You've got to accept yourself as you are now... forever changed because of a vast hole left in your home... and you've got to find a way to embrace life again. Some days it's easier than others. Izzy has definitely made it easier.

I was talking with a dear friend today and we were talking about "Catie stuff." I told her that I didn't expect to be "over" it at this point, but that I was surprised at how very present it all still is. In talking with others who have lost children, I'm more convinced that it's something that takes a lifetime to process. I do think you learn to live with it... we already are learning and have come a long way... but I think you continue to process for all your life. That's ok, because we'll love her all our lives... so I guess it's only fitting.

And We're Back

We have been enjoying the summer! We've been to the lake and to the beach... soaking up some sun and water and going through lots of sunscreen -- you gotta love the spray stuff. Iz has enjoyed the water and spending time w/ folks she loves. She's definitely easier at the beach than at the lake... at the lake the water gets deep so quick that you really have to stay right on top of her. At the beach, we usually go out at low tide -- Tybee's south end is sooooo great for little ones at low tide. There are great tide pools and the adults stay cool in the water while the kids run around and splash and, as Izzy loves to do, cover themselves in sand.

Some pics to share...


Checking out a book w/ Uncle Chad (he and Aunt Tati are expecting their first baby in November, a boy, we can't wait!!)


Giving loving to Natalie (who just turned 1!!)


If you only knew how many pictures we had to take to get this one!!


And check this out -- they're both still!!


Hanging out at the lake


Check out that wild hair


With Sara Beth -- and escaping from the picture


We were going for a cute pic in their matching pjs -- Sara Beth finally just held her head towards the camera b/c Iz kept escaping!!


Happy Girl!!!

The other reason I haven't posted much lately is b/c of some computer issues. My keyboard was going a little nuts, kept typing numbers instead of letters. So when Tre' brought his laptop home, I would catch up on e-mails, but no time for blogging. And... I kept falling asleep at night before I had time to call Dell to see what the deal was. So today, I decided to call Dell while Iz was napping. The nice man at Dell said, "have you tried pressing the number lock key on your laptop?" Oh my gosh!!!!! It seems that at some point, about 3 weeks ago, Iz hit the number lock key... and so, I haven't been able to type on my computer for THREE WEEKS b/c I didn't hit the number lock key!!!!! :) Can you believe that? Too funny! Oh well... you gotta laugh!!! It was easy to fix and we're back in business now!!

Little Izzy Tornado

Moonpie may be her official nickname, but here recently, she is quite commonly (and lovingly) referred to as Little Izzy Tornado. If you could watch her blast into a fairly orderly room, you would understand why!!! She is SO busy and SO into everything. She has one speed and it is NOT slow! This morning I was getting some things out of the pantry and in 60 seconds flat she had found bubbles on a shelf (that I thought she couldn't reach), opened it and dumped them out. As I went to grab a towel (leaving the pantry door open like the oh-so-smart person that I am) she found a package of instant oatmeal, ripped it open, and dumped it on the floor!!! In 60 SECONDS FLAT! Oh, how she keeps us on our toes!!

But, oh, how she makes us smile. She has really learned the power of using words and is usually really good about letting us know what she wants. Now we still get the "uh, uh, uh" when she wants something. But a look from one of us and she will usually find a word to tell us what she wants. USUALLY... not always! :) Today in the car, we were just leaving the house. She loves music and one of the songs she loves is on a mix CD that I have. She started signing and saying, "more, more" from the backseat. I looked over my shoulder and asked her, "more what?" She started going "na na na na" which for her means the "na na" song. She loves (and so do I) the song "Sheltering Tree" by Newsong. So I put on the "na na" song and sure enough she was trying to sing along on the "na na" parts. She's starting to really enjoy playing with her babies and at one point today I looked over at her and she was bent over her baby just talking to her. Her favorite game is playing chase around the house with her daddy. She loves for him to scare her and she just laughs and laughs when he does. It is too funny to watch them running around the island that separates our kitchen and great room!! I love watching her grow and learn and interact more and more with the world around us. She really does keep us smiling and laughing.

Thanks for all the well-wishes for this new little one headed our way. We are eager to meet him/her (and won't know if it's a him/her till he/she arrives)! I confess to wanting to sleep ALL the time and dealing with the oh so fun morning sickness (though it's never just in the morning, is it?).... That's ok though, I know it means my body is doing what it should be (though I will be glad when I'm not feeling quite so icky. :)

Lots of News from Our House

Well, the last week and a half has been eventful, complete with having to briefly evacuate our house due to a forest fire on our road (everything's fine), my car window being busted out and my purse and ipod (among other things, including my makeup!!) being stolen, and a deep freezer that all of a sudden no longer freezes!!! When it rains, it pours!! These are just minor annoyances though -- a bit of a pain, but nothing more.

Other news... I'm going back to teaching this fall. WOW!! Big changes coming our way, huh? I'll be teaching at a school close to home, we've found a sitter for Izzy who we feel good about (2 good friends' kids are also staying there), and we're soaking up every bit of this summer home together. :) Hopefully we'll all do well adjusting to a newer and MUCH busier schedule.

And we've saved the BIGGEST and BEST news for last!!!!! Izzy is going to be a BIG sister!!!!!! Yes, we're very much looking forward to welcoming a new baby in late January. The baby is due 5 days before Izzy turns 2 (which means, yes, the due date is 2 days after Catie's Heaven day -- we just cram it all into one week!!).

Well..... how's that for an update??? Lots of news for sure. Now, I'm off to take a nap!! :)

Catie Days

I call them Catie days... days when she's more present in my mind than on an average day... days when I miss her even more than on a normal day. The missing is never gone, but there are days it is much more present than others. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those days when my mind went back to the end of her life. I remember when it sunk it that things really might not end like we so desperately wanted. And for some reason, today my mind drifted back to that time and replayed it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason -- my brain processing such a traumatic time or something... but whatever the reason, today my mind went back to that morning. I remember trying to find a way to curl my 8 1/2 month pregnant body around her without messing up any of her many, many tubes and wires. And I remember crying and crying. When you are living it, it doesn't seem unimaginable, you're just trying to get through it... But I'm here to tell you that what families of kids with cancer and families of other critically ill kids have to deal with is all too often unimaginable. Those aren't the memories we dwell on here... we try to focus on the good ones. But there are times when you wish that people in the "normal" world knew what goes on in a children's hospital... that they knew what these kids and their families go through.

Earlier, I didn't like days like today, and sometimes I still don't... but sometimes they are somehow, strangely, a comfort. I don't know if somehow I feel closer to Catie or if it helps my heart to process a little more... but sometimes it's ok.

So it was already a Catie day and then I watched Army Wives. I'm a big fan and tonight was the season premier. I won't spoil it for anyone who might have Tivo'd it, but suffice it to say that it got the rest of my good cry for the day out. The ending hit so close to home... letting go... letting go... If you watched it I'm betting you got your cry in too.

Today was one of those days, and for today that was ok. I needed to feel close to her today. It seems like such a long, long time since we let her go.