A 2nd Kid Thing?

Sometimes I think that about the unique position that Tre' and I find ourselves in as parents. We have friends who are in the same boat and sometimes I wonder if they experience things the same way we do. We've had the experience of having an "only" child twice. I use the word "only" loosely as we are the parents of 2 kiddos (thus far), but we've had each of them alone and without a sibling present. Now, I know, that's obvious. But it's funny sometimes because I wonder if our experiences or feelings are a "2nd kid" thing or a "because we lost Catie" thing. For example, when Izzy was first born, the poor kid must have been called Catie at least half a dozen times a day. I cringed each time I did it because I was so conscious of letting her be her own person, not replacing Catie... (not that either of our kids could ever take the place of the other, but you get what I'm saying). I reminded myself of being called Nikki and John (my brother and sister) or even Murphy or Greta (our 2 dogs -- sorry Mom and Dad) as a kid and worked to reassure myself that this was a "2nd kid" thing, not a "we just lost Catie" thing. There are many times throughout the day that something Izzy does reminds us of Catie. I sometimes stop and wonder, "2nd kid" thing? Whatever the cause, those moments give us pause, a heart squeeze, and usually a smile.

Some of those moments from this afternoon...
*We had Izzy's pictures done a couple of weeks ago. They are up on our photographers website today and as I glanced at them for the first time, my heart almost skipped a beat. There Iz sat in the very same we had Catie's first pictures done in dress (completely didn't realize I had done that until I saw the pictures). Confused my brain for a second! =)

*While Izzy was in the tub tonight, I decided to tackle the basket of tub toys that hangs on our bathroom wall. It's hardly been touched since last fall before Catie got her G-tube. It's one of those things that I just hadn't tackled yet. Well, Iz is old enough to enjoy some bathtime fun, so I tossed a few toys in and started sifting through memories. As Izzy played with a bathtime book that Catie loved, and chewed on the nesting cups that Catie used in the tub for nearly 4 years, I sorted dried up bath paint and cracked tub crayons. It reminded me of how much Catie loved it when I would color w/ her while she was in the tub, of how she liked good-smelling stuff (especially foam), and how her favorite bath toy EVER was just an empty bottle of body wash and the top that went on it... There were lots of memories there, and that's hard... But there are lots of memories yet to be made, and that's good.

*As I pulled the shower curtain closed I heard the familiar bump of the cup that I have used to rinse my girls heads (let's face it, I can't say rinse their hair =) !!) for over 4 years. I hadn't noticed that particular noise with Iz until tonight and it was one of those weird things that sends you spinning back to another time.

Sometimes I hesitate to write here how much we think about Catie. I don't want to give the impression that we're not enjoying Izzy and soaking up every bit of her. We are... Again, we're just in a somewhat unique spot as Mom and Dad. Holding tight to one (even though, truth be told, the process of letting go begins the day they're born) and continuing to learn to let go of the other (while holding tightly to the memories). Plus, it gives me a record... a record of my memory of both girls and of our progress in the grieving process. Plus, it's cheaper than therapy!