Conversations

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

Living Gratefully

In college, my roommate and I had a book called 10,000 Things to be Happy About. It was a smallish, but chunky book that simply listed things that the author was grateful for... things that made her happy. For a while, Alice and I would take turns reading through the book and highlighting the things that made us happy as well... Then we started our own "Happy Journal." I still have it and on occasion (though it's been far, far, far too long) whoever has it will pull it out, write in it and then mail it to the other one. I don't think that I've written in it since Catie died, not because I'm not grateful, but b/c sometimes I think some of the things I'm thankful for might sound strange once I write them down... For instance, how can you be happy about a melancholy evening b/c it makes you feel closer to the daughter you've lost?

But the other night I walked out of CVS w/ Chip snuggled against me (there's something for the pages of our book) and the mugginess of the air hit me... it was the first breath of a hot summer night I've felt this year... and honestly, the first time I really remember noticing it since she died. I know I've felt it, but I haven't noticed it. That muggy breath of air took me back to bike-riding down a hill like I did many a night in the neighborhood I grew up in... and playing kick the can at my Granny's house w/ the other kids in the neighborhood... nights at the ballpark...

It's strange how I'm suddenly able to notice more things in recent months... things that I've experienced in the last 2 years, but have somehow missed. I still miss Catie, in fact, I've really missed her even more the last couple of weeks... but somehow, some of the fog seems to be lifting a bit. A fog that I don't even know that I knew was there.

I think I might have to take to writing in that old journal again, even if some of the things I write seem a little odd.

And Because I Can Never Ge Tired of This...

Izzy's Antics for Safe-Keeping

I think I'm going to have to start a weekly entry on Izzy's antics and the crazy things she says. I don't want to grow old and forget the things that crack us up in our normal everydayness of life..

For instance...
*Upon seeing a bug this morning (a bug I never saw, mind you... I think it was a piece of dirt that proves how badly my floor needs vacuuming), Moonpie walked over a grabbed the first shoe she could find... a shoe that happened to be one of my crocs. She walks back over to where she saw the "bug" and says, "I got shoe and I know how to use it." I totally cracked up laughing.

*Tonight, after arriving at home Izzy somehow got a hold of my keys... and for some reason... put them in a ziplock bag??? Go figure. She then had me seal the bag and said as she placed the bag on the counter... in her sealed ziplock bag... "Momma, I put them here for safe-keeping, ok?" Safe-keeping??? Where does she get this stuff??? :)

There was something else she said today that escapes my tired brain, but I hope I remember it later so that I can write it down for safe-keeping.

The pics below are from Mother's Day weekend at my mom's house. They're of Izzy and her cousin (Nikki and D's daughter), Natalie (also known 'round these parts as NatNat). They had great fun playing in the dirt helping my mom plant flowers. Chip missed out on the mudpies this year, but I'm sure he'll be in the thick of things this time next year!

Chipper!

Ok, so he was laughing a lot harder than this before I put the camera on him. Isn't that the way it usually goes??? :)

Hey there!

Want some chocolate cake? A friend showed up w/ the stuff to make the mug chocolate cakes. It's amazing how much it grew while it was cooking. :)


Sweet boy!


Chip hanging out w/ Flat Stanley.

Just a quick note to say thanks for all of your suggestions about salvaging the chalk writing in the playhouse. It sounds like there may be a spray that we can use to preserve it. :) I haven't made it to Lowe's or Home Depot yet, but hope to soon. You guys had some good ideas! :) Thank you!!

2 Girls Carrying Big Loads

Saw Iz doing this...

and it made me think of Catie doing this...