Midgets, Moonpies, and Dawgs

Enjoy the Ride

2011-01-02T22:48:00.003-05:00

I miss writing!! It's good for the soul, or mine at least, and it clears my mind.

Kiddos are doing well and Tre' and I are trying to keep up with them. They will be turning 2 and 4 this month -- how on earth is that possible?? Izzy is loving preschool and has asked at least a dozen times over break when she gets to go back. Chip is loving trains and cars and anything his sister is doing. He's learning to throw a good tantrum here and there, but is still the more laid-back of the 2 by far. Christmas was wonderful and over much too quickly. Not ready to go back to work tomorrow, that's for sure!!

I've never been very good at New Year's Resolutions, at making or keeping them. So no big resolutions this year... However, I do want to relax a little more, let go a little bit, and worry a lot less. Tre' and I got to go to the Zac Brown Band concert with some friends on New Year's Eve -- had a BLAST! They have this song called, Quiet Your Mind - don't you love that??? The chorus says: Quiet your mind; soak it all in; It's a game you can't win, Enjoy the ride. So, I'm not making any resolutions, but I'm going to try to do those things a bit more. Quiet my mind, soak it all in, and enjoy the ride. Hopefully in doing so, I'll help my kids learn to do the same.

Things I Learned at the Lake

2010-07-14T21:48:00.004-04:00

Izzy is growing up way too fast.

So is Chip.

18 month old little boys are insanely busy and share none of their energy with their parents.

Nothing wears my kids out like life at the lake.

Izzy is braver around her friends than she is with just us... wouldn't ride a tube with me, but hopped right on with the big girls.

I could float for hours.

Nothing says "me time" like a napping house, a good book, and being stretched out on a float on a screened porch.

I didn't miss my computer that much even though we were gone for 2 weeks.

Maybe I should try more time unplugged.

Izzy still comes running to me with most news, but occasionally she doesn't and that makes me a wee bit sad...

I'm still sometimes surprised by how much our family has lost in the last 3.5 years. We took a great picture of the kids, Izzy, Chip, and Natalie, piled on Aunt Nik Nik. Love the picture and there are smiles all around. Had to wonder though, what it would have been like with a nearly 8(!) year old Catie and 6 month old Aiden piled on.

I could listen to my kids laugh all day.

Izzy loves nothing more than being around other people.

I hope that Tre' and I raise Iz to think for herself, esp. during her teenage years.

Visits from family and friends sure are nice.

Nothing says, "aaahhhh," like a hot shower after a day at the lake.

Geocaching is fun.

I love vacation, but nothing beats coming home.

Strawberry Pickin'

2010-05-10T22:06:00.006-04:00

This is a favorite springtime outing for me! I LOVE strawberries and I love taking the kids. I have to admit that I think Chip ate as much dirt as he did strawberries today! :) He also managed to swallow a few strawberry leaves. My how times have changed from the first baby!!! :)

Tired tonight and counting down the days until school is out (FOUR!!), so I'll let the pictures tell the story...

Couldn't help but add a couple of pics of Catie from the same strawberry patch several years ago. :)

Glimpses

2010-05-03T21:25:00.004-04:00

into our day to day life...

Chip tinkled in the tub tonight while standing up. It's the first time he's ever "seen" himself tinkle. He thought it was hilarious!! Oh my goodness!! I laughed so hard!

Did you know that if your child covers herself, and I do mean COVERS herself, in BRIGHT PINK MAKEUP, it might not come off if you scrub her with Dial soap, but a little Shout will do the trick? Yes, I "Shouted it out" (or off) of Izzy!

Little boys can climb up and stand on top of toilet seats before they can walk. They are also fascinated with toilet water and will do anything they can to get to it.

There is no sweeter sound than the laughter of my children -- esp. when one is making the other laugh.

Hearing Little Man say, "Wuv you," absolutely melts my heart.

Painting is a very interesting experience when there are 2 young children in the house.

Little boys learn to make things go VROOM VROOM before they learn to talk and when they do learn to talk, "tractor" and "truck" will come shortly after (if not before) MaMa and DaDa.

Izzy cried longer than Chip when she closed his finger in the door and he had to get stitches.

My kids can turn a tub black with dirt faster than I can sneeze on these gorgeous spring days we've been having. I love it!! (except for the cleaning part)

Brownies after the kids go down taste wonderful.

Izzy enjoys saying "Boston Butt" (with a much higher pitch and great emphasis on the latter word) with a huge grin, b/c we don't usually let her say butt . However, saying that we're having Boston Hiney just doesn't sound very appetizing to me.

Sometimes I'm amazed at the amount of potty talk that I engage in on any given day. A lot of life with little children is all about bodily functions.

I love that Izzy knows that Catie was her sister and Chip's sister too. Lately, she's enjoyed looking at pics of Catie, and I love to hear her laugh at them.

Spring Break

2010-03-30T21:11:00.004-04:00

Aaahhhh... I love spring break! We've been busy, but we've been busy on our own terms. And that does not include a 5:30 AM wake up call! Thankfully the kids somehow got that message too and have been sleeping in till at least 7:00 every day (I'm sure I just jinxed myself for tomorrow though).

We've been busy decoating Izzy's room -- we've painted it green (very green), and tomorrow we'll be adding the finishing touches w/ lots of pink, green, and yellow and lots of ribbon. If we can just get the chair rail painted, cut, and hung before the weekend, we'll be set! I can't wait to see the finished product. The only problem is this has totally given me the redecorating bug and I'm already ready to tackle Chip's room next! His room has had classic Pooh in it for nearly 8 years -- could be time for a change! :) It really is amazing what a little paint can do for a room!!

Both kids had well visits today and both are doing well. Chip seems to have some allergy issues as his runny, goopy eyes do not like the pollen! Both kids are off the chart or nearly off for height and weight. They definitely got Tre's height, not mine. Both kids also had to get their finger stuck today. Oh the tears -- esp. from Izzy. Only Chip had to get shots and Izzy cried for him then. She absolutely cannot stand for someone to be hurt or upset (unless of course the 2 of them are after the same toy!). She was very worried for him today when he had to get shots though. My sweet girl...

Here's another favorite Izzy story --

This morning she wanted to build a track for the train and Chip was right in the thick of it and they were both hollering. I told Iz that she could share or put it up and wait until Chip took a nap to play with it. "Ok momma!" she said. There was no change in the hollering and Izzy wasn't making a move, so I said, "Iz, what's your choice?" "You can go ahead and put Chipper down for a nap, Momma." :) Gotta love it!!

Nothing Too Exciting

2010-03-07T20:49:00.004-05:00

Whew -- what a weekend! Chip has been one puny boy -- he's really never had a fever before now (unless you count a mild one for a couple of hours about a month ago). He has more than made up for it in the last 3-4 days. High temps of 103 and even above 104 a couple of times. Poor thing -- but he's still good-natured and would even smile some when he felt crummy! He's on an antibiotic, but I think he and Tre' are headed back to the doctor tomorrow morning. We're ready for him to feel better.

Though we didn't get out to enjoy it much since Chip was sick, it was a beautiful weekend! It looks like maybe, just maybe spring is on the way!! I'm so glad we had some good cold (for South GA) weather this winter, but I confess to being ready for spring. I want to get our vegetables in the ground and we need to do some work on Catie's garden. Iz will have fun with all that this year. She's already helped Tre' move a few blueberry bushes that had sprouted up from our other ones. She keeps wanting to know when we can pick them. I think we're going to hit 75 degrees -- bring on the spring!!

Someone asked me the other day what I missed most about Catie... Hmmm... hard question, and one that I don't know that I've ever thought about -- it's hard to pick just one thing. Originally I missed her snuggly self curled up next to me. Then as time passed, and Iz was still really small, I very much missed the conversations we had. She was starting to think and communicate big thoughts before she died and I missed that... still miss that a lot, in fact. Now Iz is starting to think big thoughts and it's fascinating to me to see how they think about such different things. I guess now I just miss her and the way we related to each other. As a mom, each of my kids is sooo different and thus the way we relate to each other is different. None is better than the other, they're all just so very, very different (still amazes me that these 3 kids came from the same parents). But I miss the way Catie and I related to each other b/c it was different than the way Iz and I do and the way Chip and I do... I also miss her giggle and her holding my ear. Lots of other things too, but tonight those are what I miss the most. Still hard to believe it's been 3 years...

Off to get things ready for the week -- counting the days till spring break!!

Busy Boy

2010-02-24T20:37:00.004-05:00

When Izzy was the age that Chip is now, we called her Little Izzy Tornado. I think she's officially passed the nickname to her brother. In matter of 2 hours tonight,he spread paper and old mail all over the kitchen floor, got into Vaseline and rubbed it in the carpet (he was hiding behind the couch when he did that), slung a slew of goldfish all over the place, and cleared all the magnets off the dishwasher twice! He's a busy boy and I'm a tired grateful Momma!

Blogging

2010-02-22T21:27:00.003-05:00

I really miss writing! It's therapeutic for me. I've always called it good, cheap therapy. Time is just so scarce these days. But... I'm scared I'm going to forget things -- cute think the kids are doing, ways they make me crazy, the laughter, the tantrums... So, I really want to try to write more again. It's really for me -- and for our family. I want my kids to know how things were when they were little. Maybe I can do it if I do little snippets instead of long posts. Who knows!

So... a few quick things for tonight.

Chip's current favorite songs are "Happy and You Know It," "Wheels on the Bus," and "Bippity Boppity Boo." Yes, you read it right -- he loves the Cinderella song and will pat your leg and say, "Bip bop boo," until you start singing it for him. He also knows how to use a wand. We DO have boy toys!! :) He makes mean VROOM VROOM to accompany the pushing around of vehicles. He loves a good wrestling match and I think he could take Izzy out if he tried! Though he has found his (loud) voice and knows how to make his wishes known, he continues to be a truly happy kid with an easy (and awesome sounding) laugh.

Iz is my girl who's full of heart... which tends to bring a bit (ok, a lot) of drama to the house. Whatever she feels (and she feels a lot), she feels strongly. I love the way God knit her together and I stand amazed as I watch her compassion for others and her need to DO to help others when something is wrong. She can talk non-stop for 3 days on end I think!! Her imagination is amazing and lately, she's been trying to get me to speak in her new language. When I do, both she and Chip just cackle.

Dinners out are rare these days for the four of us as it's just easier to be home. :) I'm so thankful for these days even though we (we being Tre' and me) are worn out at the end of them.

Croupy coughs abound from both kiddos tonight... normal kid stuff... Thank you God for normal...

Merrill died tonight... Her family is heavy on my heart. Cancer really is so incredibly unfair. www.caringbridge.org/visit/merrillking

In the Mood for Some Old Pictures

2010-02-21T20:26:00.007-05:00

I was looking back at some old pictures tonight. Here are a few. The first one is a pic of Catie right before one of her big brain surgeries. It was taken on a camera phone and she's signing "I love you." -- soooo wish I had it in better resolution! I think this was the surgery where Tre' had taught her to shoot spitballs the night before. Aunt NikNik had snuck a straw into pre-op in case she wanted to nail anybody. The one of Catie and I together at the hospital is from the very earliest hospital days when she was about the age Chip is now. I love that picture b/c she is actually sitting up and doesn't have to many tubes. The follwing days were really tough, but this picture has always been a favorite. I really do see a lot of Catie in Chip at this age. The middle one is an all time favorite of mine where she's getting her daddy with flour. The last couple are pics of Catie when she was right about the age Iz is now. In one, she's w/ her buddy Bailee at Stone Mountain. In the other, it's Halloween and she dressed up as a doctor complete w/ a CHOA nametag w/ her picture and all (thanks to our AWESOME Mr. Morris).

Miss you so much sweet girl and soooo wonder where you would fit into the craziness that is our life now. Boy, wouldn't we love to know...

2010-01-03T13:39:00.003-05:00

It's Been a While...

2009-12-28T21:34:00.004-05:00

A long while in fact! And I guess there are lots of reasons for that. 2 kiddos underfoot, taking a class, and teaching full time are probably the big things to blame for why I haven't written in so long. I do miss writing -- it really is just hard to find the time (to do the laundry, much less write!!).

And I guess, if I'm totally honest, there are other reasons too. It's been a tough year for a lot of families that we know. Folks we went through treatment with and very close family members have had some really tough stuff to face this year. The Morgans lost Ryan and Missy, the Maxeys lost a 2nd daughter to cancer, others we know and went through treatment with have relapsed at 5 years out... In some ways, it's been hard to come here and tell funny stories about Izzy and Chip when I know so many others have been hurting. I know, because of Catie (and these others listed here), to cling to these amazing times with our kids, but I just couldn't write about it.

Most recently, tragedy hit much to close to home. My sister and her husband, known to most folks here as Aunt Nik Nik and Uncle D, learned in mid September that the baby boy she was carrying, Aiden John, had Trisomy 18. She was due in early February, but he was stillborn early Christmas morning. I still reel to write that or say it out loud... Christmas morning. My initial reaction was anger... anger because I didn't want that day to have to be Christmas day for them and anger because I didn't, and don't, want them to know that hurt that they now know all too well. It shouldn't have happened again. And as I thought more, though I still worry for them and Christmas Day, I was reminded that because of Christmas day, because of the birth of another Baby Boy, both Aunt Nik's and our family will one day be whole again...

I just hurt for them... because I never wanted them to have to know this hurt... and because I know we can't fix it for them...

In spite of it all, there was laughter and joy this weekend, mixed in with the sorrow and tears... Sometimes life is messy and hard, but it is the life we've been given and I will continue to try to do what I learned from Catie -- live full and keep laughing. I don't do it nearly as well as she did, but I'm working on it.

I've thought a lot about Heaven this weekend. I imagined Catie peeking through the gates as sweet Baby Aiden was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. And then I totally imagine her carrying him everywhere. That girl loved babies... loved them I tell you!

We've kind of let Iz guide us this weekend to let us know what she needed to know. At one point during the service this morning, she looked at me and said, "Momma, Baby Aiden not get to grow up?" Oh sweet baby, how I wish my answer could be different for you...

So... I promise to try my very best to get some new pictures up soon!! Chip is ginormous and Iz is starting to look (and act) so grown up!! I hope you and yours had a wondrous holiday season full of the wonder and magic and the promise of the eternal that is Christmas!!

Now, I'm off to try to find homes for all these toys!!

BTW, if you'd like to drop in on Nik and D, their blog is www.theoddkouple.com .

A Good Day

2009-08-23T12:50:00.002-04:00

Our portion of MRI -- a few hundred dollars
Parking fees at 2 different facilities -- $14
Co-pays for 3 different docs -- $90
Finding out your kid will be fine -- priceless

So Chip has been having some issues w/ his eyes. If you know much about brain tumors, you know that eye symptoms freak out parents of BT kids. I was fairly sure that Chip's problems were just w/ his eyes, but it was still hard not to worry.

Long story short, we headed to ATL this week for an MRI, to see Dr. Claire, and to see a neuro-opthamologist. The MRI was normal (thank you, thank you, thank you). After learning that, we headed to Piedmont to see the neuro-opthamologist. She agreed w/ us that he was definitely struggling w/ his vision, but she wasn't sure exactly what was going on. She was great and very thoughtful and called a friend of hers, a peds opth. at Scottish Rite. He was very kind and agreed to work us in that day. We met him and he quickly assessed Chip, put some drops in his eyes and said he'd be right back to let us know what was going on. We were surprised at his quick assessment and the impression he already knew what was going on (we'd already seen a doc here locally who was stumped as well). He stepped out for a couple of minutes. Upon coming back in, he looked in Chip's eyes briefly again and then sat back and told us that Chip was going to be fine. He said he has ocular motor apraxia. Basically, he can't track objects with his eyes. While we wish his eyes worked perfectly, this is SO TOTALLY something that we can handle! The problem will improve as he gets older and we are investigating occupational and/or vision therapies.

We are doing well (esp. now!!) and things continue to clip along at a quick pace. The kids are growing, are doing well at the sitter's while I'm teaching, and are, as always, keeping us on our toes!! We love the normalcy that has invaded our lives and we are grateful for it each and every day.

Please pray for our friends, the Maxeys. Their 1st daughter, Maddy, and Catie were in treatment together. They lost Maddy shortly after her 1st birthday. They are now facing extremely tough times w/ their 3rd child (2nd daughter). Please pray for Kirk, Natalie, and big brother Grant, as they take sweet Annette home. www.maxeyweb.com

Wow, It's Been a While!

2009-07-29T21:49:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it's been so long since I've written here! Blame it partly on FaceBook and partly on a really busy summer!

We have had an absolutely AMAZING summer!! The beach, the lake, the beach, the local waterpark... lazy days, busy days... Cousins' Camp, the sprinkler, Bible School. It's just been great! I love the laidback feeling and the later nights w/ kiddos. The no rush to bed and the hang in your pjs after you wake up. We have lots of pics and I'l try to get some up soon. I plan to be better about writing here, b/c I really want to record all the stuff Izzy and Chip are up to, so that I remember it and that they get to hear about.

So... that's it for now. Summer's done and the "real world" has arrived. We've got to be up and at em early in the morning. But... here's to more consistent writing!!

Normal

2009-06-18T20:35:00.004-04:00

Today was a really great day! A really great, normal, summer day. Chip went to hang out w/ GaGa and Poppy and Iz and I met up w/ some friends and headed to a nearby waterpark. It's a great spot for kids w/ lots of stuff on the sprayground and slides just their size. I loved watching the look of sheer terror on her face as she flew down the slide, and then hearing her beg, "do it again Momma, do it again!" as soon as I pulled her up from the water. She is definitely going to be more of a thrill-seeker than her momma!!

This may sound strange, but there are still times when "normal life" stops me in my tracks. It does not feel "normal" to me yet. I've been a mom for nearly 7 years, but much of that time I haven't been a "normal" mom. Catie was sick for so much of her life and the "rules" we had to play by were so different from those of normal kids. There weren't lots of playdates w/ big groups, long days at the waterpark (she had a hard time w/ heat and most of the time couldn't have made it all day), we weren't able to attend church regularly, she didn't get to go to VBS. All that is OK! We made good w/ what we COULD do and I know she lived full and happy and well... And so, now, w/ Izzy and Chip as we join in on some playdates, spend a huge chunk of the day running through the sprayground and swooshing down waterslides, attending church more regularly, and getting ready for VBS next week... as we live. normal. life. I'm simply shocked and grateful at how wonderful it is. Perfect? Nope, never is... but pretty dad-blamed good!

If I let it, it could make me sad for the things Catie missed... but I also know that she was, at least I think she was, satisfied w/ the pace of our life and the day to day way we lived. I watch little girls who are the age she would be now and I am amazed at how grown she would be. Strangely, being around girls that age is usually a comfort to me... It's the events that get me and that's completely the opposite of how I thought it would be. I confess to being incredibly sad on the last day of school b/c she would have finished kindergarten and gotten her first real taste of summer break after a full year of schedules and routines... and there were tears when she missed what I know would have been her first spend the night party... I guess it's always going to be those "firsts" that get me.... all those "normal" things she would have done. Thankfully they don't come as often as they did that first year.

So, this weekend we will honor her life and try to raise a little more money for research so that kids like her get the chance to try on "normal" life...

Oh sweet girl, I miss ya tonight. You would have loved standing at the bottom of the slide and watching Iz's face as she flew down and you would have cracked up at you brother tasting his peas tonight. I do wonder where you would fit in the mix if you were here... would you be Queen Bee, keeping tabs on everybody (it's a big job w/ that sister of yours) or would you kind of be off doing your own thing and letting the little ones be? I tend to think you'd want to be in charge, but who knows... I DO know that you are now filled w/ far more joy than any of us can even begin to imagine.

Dad and Iz are off on the golf cart making a trash run. I'm hoping they bring a few blueberries back. Izzy loves them as much as you did... she's starting to ask about you from time to time. I like that. It's hard for her to understand where you are though. That will come with time and I'm grateful for the chance to tell her Catie stories. I think I'm going to go relax and curl up w/ the new book I'm reading. Love you sweet girl... Eskimo, butterfly, Daddy, and NikNik kisses to you.

Catie's CURE Classic benefitting CURE Childhood Cancer

2009-06-04T12:13:00.003-04:00

We're gearing up for our golf tournament for this year and it's coming up quickly. We've taken a couple of years off, but we're back and we're hoping to have a great turnout for the tourney. The tournament will be held on June 20 at Black Creek Golf Club. For details on the tourney, go to http://catiescureclassic.com. This is the first year the tournament will be a memorial tournament, but we do this to honor our sweet Catie and the life she lived. We also do it so that other families won't know the devastating loss that is so often caused by childhood cancer. All proceeds will go directly to CURE Childhood Cancer (http://www.curechildhoodcancer.org/). We are in need of sponsors (levels are: Hole for $100 and Corporate for $500 and $1000), golfers, and door prizes. Each sponsorship comes w/ different perks, so visit our website to check them out (http://catiescureclassic.com/).

Given the lovely economic times we're in, we're taking a bit of a different approach this year. We are still seeking "normal" sponsors (at the levels listed above), but we also realize that smaller donations add up to make big donations. We are seeking folks who might not be able to be a hole sponsor, but could handle giving $25 (or $10 or $50). If we could have 100 people donate $25, that would be $2500 (and the equivalent of 25 hole sponsors)... 200 folks giving $25 would give us $5000, and so forth.

So, here is my challenge to you. (I'm not usually one to issue challenges, but today I'm going for it). If you are able and willing to donate to our cause, please do. You can easily do it through PayPal on our site (http://catiescureclassic.com/) or to Catie's Fund page ( http://www.curechildhoodcancer.org/default.asp?contentID=66). If you donate at Catie's Fund page, please list "Catie's Fund for Golf Tournament" in the comments section. The second part of my challenge is this... PLEASE forward this on to folks on your contact list. If half of the folks who receive this e-mail give a small amount of money and if everyone forwards this on, we could really build a large army and raise a lot of money.
Forwarding is a HUGE part of this effort because it allows us to reach a large number of people.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks for forwarding this on and donating if you are able. These donations (which need to be made by June 26) fund research that is literally life-giving.

Conversations

2009-06-02T16:15:00.004-04:00

This morning at breakfast, Izzy was eating the first blueberries and blackberries from our yard this year when out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "Momma, Catie like blueberries?" It's the first time she's ever asked me about something Catie liked or didn't like. I told her that yes, Catie liked blueberries (and strawberries) a lot, kind of like she did. Then she pointed to her bowl of cereal, "Catie like cereal, Momma?" And I told her that yes, Catie liked cereal, but she liked it dry in a cup, not w/ milk in a bowl like she did. She seemed satisfied, and I appreciated that she had asked, so we went on with our morning. A little later, as we were riding in the car, she said, "Momma, I want to go to Catie's house." In my mind, I was thinking, "me too baby, me too." But, out loud I said, "Well, Iz, who does Catie live with?" "Jesus." "And where does Catie live?" "In Heaven." So I told her about how Heaven is way up high in the sky above the clouds and that loving Jesus means we go to live there when we die. I told her that Catie was little when she died, so she's gone there before us. And I told her that we would go to see her sister later when it was our time to go to Heaven. Again she said, "I wanna go to Catie's house." So we talked a bit more... Time and space and living and dying are hard enough to understand when you're grown, much less when you are two. But I confess to loving that she's opening the door for conversations about Catie and about Heaven.

I worry that she will be scared of dying b/c Catie died young. Today was the first time I've used the word "die" with her and a couple of weeks ago I used the word "cancer" w/ her for the first time(the child life folks say to be sure to call diseases by their real names and to not say, "Catie was sick and she died" b/c then they'll be scared the next time they get sick.) I wish she didn't have to know that kids could die. I pray that God will give Tre' and I wisdom to guide her (and Chip) in all things, esp. important stuff like we talked about today. I sure do wish I could see in her mind to see how she's making sense of things.

Living Gratefully

2009-05-17T21:29:00.005-04:00

In college, my roommate and I had a book called 10,000 Things to be Happy About. It was a smallish, but chunky book that simply listed things that the author was grateful for... things that made her happy. For a while, Alice and I would take turns reading through the book and highlighting the things that made us happy as well... Then we started our own "Happy Journal." I still have it and on occasion (though it's been far, far, far too long) whoever has it will pull it out, write in it and then mail it to the other one. I don't think that I've written in it since Catie died, not because I'm not grateful, but b/c sometimes I think some of the things I'm thankful for might sound strange once I write them down... For instance, how can you be happy about a melancholy evening b/c it makes you feel closer to the daughter you've lost?

But the other night I walked out of CVS w/ Chip snuggled against me (there's something for the pages of our book) and the mugginess of the air hit me... it was the first breath of a hot summer night I've felt this year... and honestly, the first time I really remember noticing it since she died. I know I've felt it, but I haven't noticed it. That muggy breath of air took me back to bike-riding down a hill like I did many a night in the neighborhood I grew up in... and playing kick the can at my Granny's house w/ the other kids in the neighborhood... nights at the ballpark...

It's strange how I'm suddenly able to notice more things in recent months... things that I've experienced in the last 2 years, but have somehow missed. I still miss Catie, in fact, I've really missed her even more the last couple of weeks... but somehow, some of the fog seems to be lifting a bit. A fog that I don't even know that I knew was there.

I think I might have to take to writing in that old journal again, even if some of the things I write seem a little odd.

And Because I Can Never Ge Tired of This...

2009-05-16T23:03:00.003-04:00

Izzy's Antics for Safe-Keeping

2009-05-16T21:02:00.004-04:00

I think I'm going to have to start a weekly entry on Izzy's antics and the crazy things she says. I don't want to grow old and forget the things that crack us up in our normal everydayness of life..

For instance...
*Upon seeing a bug this morning (a bug I never saw, mind you... I think it was a piece of dirt that proves how badly my floor needs vacuuming), Moonpie walked over a grabbed the first shoe she could find... a shoe that happened to be one of my crocs. She walks back over to where she saw the "bug" and says, "I got shoe and I know how to use it." I totally cracked up laughing.

*Tonight, after arriving at home Izzy somehow got a hold of my keys... and for some reason... put them in a ziplock bag??? Go figure. She then had me seal the bag and said as she placed the bag on the counter... in her sealed ziplock bag... "Momma, I put them here for safe-keeping, ok?" Safe-keeping??? Where does she get this stuff??? :)

There was something else she said today that escapes my tired brain, but I hope I remember it later so that I can write it down for safe-keeping.

The pics below are from Mother's Day weekend at my mom's house. They're of Izzy and her cousin (Nikki and D's daughter), Natalie (also known 'round these parts as NatNat). They had great fun playing in the dirt helping my mom plant flowers. Chip missed out on the mudpies this year, but I'm sure he'll be in the thick of things this time next year!

Chipper!

2009-05-04T22:27:00.003-04:00

Ok, so he was laughing a lot harder than this before I put the camera on him. Isn't that the way it usually goes??? :)

Hey there!

2009-05-04T22:17:00.003-04:00

Want some chocolate cake? A friend showed up w/ the stuff to make the mug chocolate cakes. It's amazing how much it grew while it was cooking. :)

Sweet boy!

Chip hanging out w/ Flat Stanley.

Just a quick note to say thanks for all of your suggestions about salvaging the chalk writing in the playhouse. It sounds like there may be a spray that we can use to preserve it. :) I haven't made it to Lowe's or Home Depot yet, but hope to soon. You guys had some good ideas! :) Thank you!!

2 Girls Carrying Big Loads

2009-05-04T22:06:00.002-04:00

Saw Iz doing this...

and it made me think of Catie doing this...

Pics of Iz

2009-04-26T21:41:00.002-04:00

What a Great Weekend!

2009-04-26T21:29:00.006-04:00

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous!! Our original plan was a great visit w/ my college roommate and her family. But the ickies invaded at her house, so we had to postpone until next month. We were really disappointed, but now we have something to look forward to in May. :)

It turned out to be such a nice weekend. It wasn't perfect (there were meltdowns and Chip hasn't been 100%... it was NORMAL), but it was as close to perfect as you can get. And I loved it too b/c it was peppered w/ Catie moments throughout. Saturday found Iz and I in the yard as Tre' and Chip napped. We watered the new plants in Catie's garden and spent time swinging. That girl LOVES to be outside!!! :) Yesterday afternoon there was a sidewalk chalk arts festival downtown. We headed down there and met some good friends. We checked out the AMAZING drawings on the sidewalk, hit the playground, ordered pizza from a great little joint downtown, and then crashed on the lawn (well.. the adults were getting tired, but the kids were still fully charged!)for an outdoor showing of Finding Nemo. Anyone who's followed us since Catie, knows that she LOVED that movie. We have so many lines from it that we would always say with her that we just love ("You guys made me ink!" and "He touched the butt." and so many more!)... and "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" kind of became our motto w/ all we went through w/ Catie. Neither Tre' nor I had watched the whole movie since Catie died -- I had watched bits and pieces. We didn't make it through the whole movie (Iz was worn out, so we left about halfway through), but I think we did pretty good last night! Iz had a blast and Chip was his usual laid back self (I hope I didn't just jinx myself by typing that!!). It was so great to pal around w/ friends and just have a good time. We also ran into someone who had followed our blog for a long time and told us she had prayed so hard for us... That was pretty neat and meant a lot to Tre' and I that she took the time to stop and say, "hi."

I remember BEFORE... before all this how I loved it when the weather started turning gorgeous like this... It just felt like it could pick you up and carry you along to wonderful places... The year Catie died, I don't even remember spring... nothing about it at all. I remember thinking that I guessed that would just be how it was now... I would never get that pick me up feeling from spring or the first brisk fall night or from blaring music while riding down the road w/ the windows down. I just kind of figured that was gone w/ Catie... that carefree feeling was one of those things that I wouldn't be able to get back. This weekend, though, I tasted it a bit. And it felt. so. good. It doesn't change our longing for Catie... that will NEVER go away, but it's nice to soar a bit on the wings of a beautiful day.

The other thing that was nice about this weekend was the "Catie moments" sprinkled throughout. I've already shared a couple, and it really seems like there were a lot this weekend... However, I will share w/ you the funniest one. The funniest, by far, was tonight when Iz and I were riding the golf cart. Catie LOVED frogs. We still have her "frog stick" (used to nudge the frogs to jump) on our front porch, she ended up calling one of Tre's aunts Aunt Frog and the name still sticks. We have tons of tree frogs around here and they always remind us of Catie. Several have somehow gotten in our house or car since she died, and they love to get on the underside of the doorknob so you get a nice slime when you open it. We had TONS of frog encounters that first spring after she died. They still come, though they are not quite as frequent as then. I kind of think (though I could totally be wrong) that it's kind of God's way of letting Catie send us a hello or an "i'm ok..." Frog and butterfly sightings (esp. when they show up in unusual places or at unusual times) always make us think of Catie. I could so be completely wrong, but it's just funny how they pop up when we need a pick me up. So ANYWAY... Iz and I had run to our neighbors on the golf cart. We were coming back when I saw something small coming towards us through the air. And then THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. SLIMY. ON. MY. FACE!!!!!!! I'm trying not to drive in the ditch while trying to peel whatever in the heck is sliming my face off and then it's gone and I look at Izzy's shoe (and her face -- hahaha) and on her croc is the little green tree frog that totally just landed on my nose. Izzy laughed and laughed and laughed!!!!!!! Good gosh.... I love moments like those. And I love that even though I may be totally wrong about God letting Catie send us a hello, it still makes me feel closer to her.

There were times this weekend that my heart would squeeze and I would think, "Oh I wish Catie were here too." or "Oh this would have been completely perfect if I heard her little giggle mixed w/ Izzy's." But, I guess one of the things I realized this weekend is that a really good day is full of those bittersweet moments that make me miss Catie. That makes my day fuller and makes her feel closer. And, sure, sometimes it makes me sad, but other times... other times I just love her even though she's not here. And, that... is just fine w/ me.

Kiddos

2009-04-22T21:59:00.002-04:00

What do you do when you're bored?????

This cereal is GOOD stuff!

Sometimes it's tough being the little brother. How can she want to fix my hair when I don't even have any??????

Whew! Things are rolling along here! Spring break was nice -- we stayed home, got a few things done around the house and just did a lot of relaxin'. That was nice and it felt good to just slow down a bit. We're back in the swing of things again and we're counting down the days till summer!! Only 20 days of school left!! :)

One of the projects we tackled last week was cleaning out the playhouse outside. We haven't been up there much since Catie died, so it was time. I'm glad we went ahead with it for lots of reasons, but most of all because Izzy is enjoying the heck out of it now!!! I think she just loves that it's a little space of her own. She has chalk that she can use to write anywhere up there -- on the walls, the floor -- wherever. She thinks that's pretty cool. We also put a small table and chair set up there. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous here lately, so it's been great play house playin' weather too. I love that she likes it so much up there.

On one of the walls, it somehow still has "Catie was here" and the date written. I wish I could figure out how to preserve that (it's written in chalk on the plywood wall) b/c I love that it's still there.

Izzy is really becoming creative and using her imagination. She can carry on a conversation w/ a wall and her pretend play is becoming more detailed. Yesterday we were playing w/ her doll. She said it was going down the slide. She wanted me to make the doll slide so I lifted the doll up and "slid" her down the imaginary slide. "Weeeeee." Izzy started saying (quite emphatically I might add), "no! no! no! no!" I couldn't figure out what was wrong and then she says, "Momma, you have to make her go up the stairs first!" Oh, silly me! :) Things she's done in the last couple of weeks to remember: Cleared the shoe rack and put all the shoes into a cooler (that still had water in it -- see pictures), covered the great room in Easter grass (pictures in last post), discovered the fun of popping bubbles on bubble wrap, dumped out an entire bottle of bubbles, emptied 3/4 of a bottle of bubble bath on the cover to the toilet (in the 30 seconds she was in the bathroom ahead of me before bath)... We do watch her -- she just moves so fast!! Most of these types of things seem to happen when I can see her, but can't get to her quickly (when I'm feeding Chip). She's definitely into everything right now, but she also continues to grow her tender side... she can't stand it when Chip is upset and will try everything she can think of to pacify him, she's learning to say, "I'm sorry" when it's appropriate, and she continues to give the best hugs and kisses around. If someone looks the slightest bit sad, she's quick to go to them and ask if they're ok. I love that and I hope she is always sensitive to the feelings of others.

Chip continues to grow and grow and grow. He has had an ear infection and a pretty good chest cold here lately. We're doing several breathing treatments a day, but that wheeze still likes to hang on a bit. We're watching him closely. He acts just fine though -- happy as a lark most of the time. He's smiling more and more and he starting to enjoy his toys a bit (he LOVES the ones that hang from the bar on his car seat). He is hilarious trying to find Izzy when she comes in the room and he just grins when he sees her. He's gotten his first taste of cereal in the last couple of weeks and he is loving it!! :) It's amazing how fast and hard you can fall in love w/ such a tiny person!

Easter Pics 2009

2009-04-13T21:43:00.006-04:00

His tongue totally cracks me up in this picture!

You can look at her eyes in this one and tell she's been sick.

Iz wasn't very excited about taking pictures.

Big fun w/ the grass from the Easter basket!

Random

2009-04-07T22:22:00.003-04:00

Seriously, I could listen to her talk all day. Which is a good thing, b/c she usually does talk all day!! :)

What's Your Name?

2009-04-07T22:18:00.006-04:00

This one is sideways, but it makes me smile.

Izzy and Her "Buddy"

2009-04-07T21:50:00.002-04:00

He's starting to chub up a bit. :)

Chip was a little gassy and Iz got so tickled.

I love this one.

New and Old pictures

2009-04-07T21:44:00.004-04:00

A Crazy Country Girl

Picking Strawberries

This is serious business!

These pictures of Catie remind of some pics in this entry and the previous one.

Chip's cheeks aren't this chubby yet, but there is something about the shape of their noggins that looks alike to me.

This has always been a favorite of mine. I love the way her hand is on my face. I need to crop it.

This has always been one of my favorites. It reminds me of the top pic of Iz... not so much b/c they look alike, but b/c of where they're standing and what was going on when the pics were taken.

Odds and Ends

2009-03-22T18:18:00.006-04:00

Whew! Going back to work while you still have a baby eating every three hours on the dot can wear a mom and dad out!!! I'm still nursing him a lot, so the nights are mostly mine until 4 or so and Tre' takes over. :) He sleeps pretty well between feedings, but interrupted sleep catches up w/ me after a while, esp. when we have to be up and moving by 5:45 or so. We're supplementing w/ formula twice a day, so tonight, I'm going to try a formula bottle around 11 PM to see if that gives him a longer stretch for the first part of the night. We shall see.

Anne from GA, I had to laugh when I read your comment about the satin pillow working great if you actually sleep ON it!! :) I can usually tell how restless Iz's night has been by the status of her hair in the morning. She is all over the place in bed. But, the satin pillowcase is FANTASTIC when she stays on the pillow!! Thank you to whoever made that suggestion. :) Maybe I just need to get a whole satin sheet set for her!!

Thanks also to Lisa who suggested the book The Spirited Child. I've already purchased it and it's companion workbook. I'm only just starting it, but it's made me laugh out loud several times b/c I feel like the author has been sitting in my living room! Even though I haven't read much, I already feel like I'm gleaning a lot from it. It's given me a different perspective and I love the positive focus it gives to spirited kids! Izzy has so, so many wonderful characteristics and has a heart the size of Texas -- we've just got to help her learn to channel that energy and persistence and determination in the right direction. She's currently outside w/ Tre' blowing off some steam. It's gorgeous outside and outside time is great for her sanity and mine!! :) She has done really well w/ Chip and really hasn't seemed too jealous, but today as I was getting Chip's kisses, she asked for me to get hers... and kept wanting me to do it. I kiss her all the time (it's kind of a game at our house), but it was a reminder for me of how much her world has changed in the last 2 months. It's tough to go from being the only kiddo under the roof to having to share the spotlight w/ a little 2 foot being who needs lots of attention. She's done well though, and I love how much she loves her brother.

After we shared about Izzy's MRI, a couple of folks had asked if we're going to have Chip scanned. We will scan them both once a year until they're 5 -- that's the plan for now. An ultrasound through Chip's fontanel shortly after birth showed a wonderfully, beautiful, normal brain!!! :)

I hope you'll continue to check on and pray for the Morgan ( Ryan and Missy ), Maxey (Annette), and Escoe (Blaine) families. These families are dear to us and they are each walking their own unimaginably difficult journeys. Missy Morgan and her son, Ryan, are both battling relapsed cancer. Annette Maxey is facing a nasty brain tumor and the treatment is tougher than anyone should have to face, much less a 4 month old. Her parents lost their first daughter, Maddy, to undifferentiated sarcoma... please pray for them. We met the Escoes when our daughters went through some of their treatment together. Kendrie is doing great, but her dad, Blaine, is facing another relapse of his cancer. I know they all welcome any prayers and encouragement you can give them. Cancer is hard, but all of these families are facing/have faced it w/ 2 members of their immediate family. It's really just so unfair!

I hope to get some pics up from St. Patrick's Day soon. Would you believe (shame on me!) that I didn't get a single picture of Chip?!?!?!?!?!?! I know we have at least a couple from family member's cameras though. There were 5 kiddos 3 and under all celebrating together and we've got the pictures to prove it. I haven't seen them yet, but I've heard they're pretty funny. :) Izzy loved the parade and kept saying "more music, more music." It was a good and green day!

I'm gonna nuzzle this sweet baby boy for a few minutes more and then round up Tre' and Iz for some chow before we hit bathtime and bedtime. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods and that you have a great week!

"Boring" Home Video of Chip (w/ a Way Too Loud TV in the Background and My Cheesy Baby Talk)

2009-03-15T22:52:00.001-04:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It's Really Hard to Get a Good Picture of 2 Young Kids at Once

2009-03-15T22:38:00.003-04:00

Pictures of Chip (and One of Izzy)

2009-03-14T22:59:00.001-04:00

Guess Who

2009-03-10T21:09:00.002-04:00

Ok, I confess, this is Catie!! Tre' and I were looking through some pictures last night while we were watching Idol and came across this one. I don't have a good recent pic of Chip (he's growing SO stinking fast!!), but I'll get one up soon. He is really starting to look like Catie, esp. through the eyes. I don't think we realized it until we saw this picture.

Pics of Izzy -- Some of Chip to Come :)

2009-03-09T15:51:00.006-04:00

This first one just makes me laugh. I was trying to get a good pic of the 2 of them lying together, but Izzy was in a wiggly mood. But check out her hair. If she stood up it wouldn't move in the back. It defies gravity when she gets up in the morning. We DO brush it, this was just first thing in the AM.

Ready for gymnastics!

My country girl!

I Need to Buy a Book....

2009-03-08T21:29:00.002-04:00

and it's called The Strong-willed Child. Oh Ms. Izzy... She is truly, one of the most tender-hearted and empathetic kids I've ever met... esp. at such a young age. But boy oh boy... if she tests us once in a day, she tests us about 472 times. Her current favorite phrase is "Izzy do it!" She truly has me puzzled on exactly how I'm going teach her without breaking her spirit. Sometimes she tests us by not doing what we've told her to do, sometimes it's by doing something she knows she's not supposed to do, sometimes it's when she's in time out and it's lifting her hiney off the chair just a bit when it's supposed to stay flat on the seat, sometimes she does it when given 2 choices and she chooses a completely different one. I believe that consistency is the key, but there are times that consistency can be really exhausting. I also believe that this time is so key in laying the groundwork for the rest of her life. Learning now that "no means no" and that when Tre' or I draw a line that isn't to be crossed we mean it are vital. Learning those things now, I think (and hope and pray) will make for a smoother road through those tenuous teenage years. Here's hoping Tre' and I can be consistent each and every day and that we are making the right decisions in training her up in the way she should go.

It's so interesting to me that her strong will is balanced with the tenderest of hearts for other people. She is a people person in the truest sense and that has been obvious since she was very young. We don't go shopping or anywhere in public that I don't meet someone b/c of her greeting to each person she passes. It cracks me up when I'm pushing her through the grocery store and she passes the guy behind the meat counter and hollers, "How ya doin'?" She is very aware of how others feel and is quick to check on them. If someone is sad, she will walk over to them, place her hand on their shoulder, and ask them, "kay?" for "are you okay?" I am so proud of her for the tender, caring spirit I see growing in her and it does give me comfort as we work to help her grow into a young lady who knows how to listen to her mom and dad.

It's amazing how your children can each be so different and how they each give you different challenges as you work to raise them. I do believe that God created Tre' and I to be the parents of Catie, Izzy, and Chip... and I believe He has uniquely equipped us with just the things we need to do it well. Sometimes it just comes easier than others.

Boogie Down

2009-02-25T12:41:00.003-05:00

Ok, this is really short, but it makes me laugh! She was dancing to the music during intermission at the circus.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Atlanta

2009-02-24T21:42:00.003-05:00

We went to Atlanta this weekend. We were hoping to leave on Friday, but had to wait and leave later b/c Iz and Tre' were sick. They both are on antibiotics and feeling much better. We missed out on seeing Grandpa Mike Mike and Granny Liz b/c we had to leave later and we hated that. We'll get back up soon though. We were able to go to the circus at Philips Arena. Iz loved it. She was really tired that afternoon, and as you can see, fell asleep before it was over (how she and Chip could sleep through all that noise, I have NO idea!!). Even though she dozed, she loved the show. This evening she was on the phone w/ GaGa and was telling her about the elephants, horses, little horses, tigers, clowns, etc. It's so funny to listen to her tell a story. :) She really did have a big time and I think us grown ups enjoyed it as well! Thanks Dennis for getting the tickets!!

We were also in town to have Izzy scanned. She's doing just fine, Dr. Claire just recommended that we scan once a year until she's 5. The scan was perfectly normal. :) WOOHOO!!! Even though we weren't seeing anything concerning, it is always nice to get confirmation. We saw Dr. Claire and had a nice visit with her. It was so nice to see her and we ran into some other folks as well. As we were leaving and heading to the parking deck, we also ran into Dr. Hudgins (Catie's neurosurgeon). We hadn't seen him since the day Catie died when he came to say goodbye, so that was a nice surprise.

Iz had a rough morning as she turns out to be a really tough stick (took 6 tries). She cried and kept telling them no, but she didn't fight them. Tre' and I were really proud of how well she did.

Being away from all of the medical stuff for so long, it was odd to be back. It was only for a day, but I saw everything in such a different light. When Catie was sick, it was what we did. It was our life. There was no choice. We took it , ran with it, and just made the best of it. We lived well and lived full and didn't spend a lot of time focusing on all the "stuff" that had to be done to manage her illness. I didn't do a lot of thinking about how it must have felt to be her. Sometimes I wish I'd given her a chance to talk about that more. As we went through the familiar routine yesterday, I was struck by how much kids with cancer and other chronic/serious illnesses must deal with each day. So many procedures and sticks and pokes and prods... It was all new to Izzy and that made me focus a bit more on just how much a child has to go through just for a simple MRI and a quick clinic visit. It really is amazing what must be endured to fight cancer.

Thankfully, all was well, and today all is back to normal for Ms. Izzy. Normal for her usually starts out something like in the picture at the top of the page. There's her crazy morning hair. :) Still as we enjoy what is now our normal, we think of those whose normal is what we did yesterday...

(The other pics are of Chip and then Izzy w/ Dr. Claire, both kids passed out before the circus ended, Izzy goofing off at the circus, and her first taste of cotton candy

Izzy B

2009-02-18T12:47:00.005-05:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I'm trying to get some of my favorites of Izzy's words and phrases on tape. The way toddlers talk is so cute and I'm afraid I'll forget the cute things she says if I don't get it on tape. At the beginning of this one she's singing "I'm the map, I'm the map..." from Dora.

The Blessing and Other Random Stuff

2009-02-16T16:23:00.003-05:00

Izzy is almost always careful to make sure we say the blessing before we eat. She usually helps me say the blessing and it goes something like this (Izzy's words are in ALL CAPS): God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Let us THANKS for our FOOD. Sometimes we continue w/ the 2nd half of the prayer and sometimes we say, "Amen," there. Last night a very hungry Izzy was helping me say the blessing -- she could hardly wait to eat as you will see. Our blessing last night went something like this: God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Let us BITE?? thank him for our BITE???. She was starving and couldn't get through the prayer, just kept asking for a bite. :) I admit to giggling through the, "Amen," and I'm pretty sure that there were some giggles from God as well!

We went to the doctor today for well visits for both kiddos. Both checked out well. Iz is 1/2 an inch shy of 3 feet. Chip is growing like a weed as well and weighed in at an even 10 pounds and had grown 2 1/4 inches, so he's now 23 inches!!! I couldn't believe he had grown that much, but it's kind of funny b/c he's just now as long as Catie was when she was born! She was a LOOOOOONNNNGGGG baby! They both got shots and Iz had to get a finger stick. It was NOT a fun thing for her and she had the tears flowing pretty good. In fact she was so pitiful w/ the finger stick that Doctor Cossio went back and warned Mrs. Sharon (the nurse who gives the shots and who took such amazing care of Catie each week when we checked in there) that Izzy's visit to her was probably not going to be very pleasant. I'm so thankful for those tears though... b/c it means she's not accustomed to things that little kids shouldn't have to be accustomed to. Driving home I was thinking about how Catie got a finger stick pretty much every week of her life from the time she was 1 year old (unless she was inpatient or having her port flushed)... She was a champ at it and that made our life much easier. But I hate that she had to be so accustomed to it, and I pray our other kiddos never have to be.

All is well here. I've got a little less than a month before I head back to work for the last nine weeks of school Soaking it all up day by day.

A couple things before I sign off:

Please pray for Sophia's family as her battle with medulloblastoma recently ended when she joined Catie running through the field of Heaven. We know the ache that fills their hearts all too well and we pray for their peace and comfort. (Carepages - sophiasjourney)

Our friend Abby has her MRI tomorrow morning. She is off treatment for relapsed medullo and we're looking for nothing but good news for her. (Carepages - AbbySmith12)

I believe that I've mentioned our friends the Maxeys here before. We were in treatment w/ their daughter, Maddy early on w/ Catie. She fought a brave fight before winning her victory against cancer as she walked through the gates of Heaven. Kirk and Natalie (mom and dad) have a 2 year old son, Grant, and an infant daughter, Annette. Annette was recently diagnosed w/ ATRT and is toughing it out through some harsh treatment. Today, as a precaution, they are scanning Grant. Please pray that they get the all clear and that they are peaceful as they wait for the results... Pray for Annette and for her treatment to be more effective than they can dream and for them to get to see her grow up. I can't even begin to imagine the road that they're on. (www.maxeyweb.com)

Also continue praying for our friends the Morgans. Ryan is battling relapsed neuroblastoma and his mom, Missy is fighting relapsed breast cancer. (www.superryan.blogspot.com and www.caringbridge.org/visit/missymorgan)

It's Crazy, But It's Oh So Good

2009-02-10T16:03:00.003-05:00

So there really aren't many dull moments in our house right now... On occasion in the last few weeks the kiddos have conspired against us at night to keep us from sleeping... There are diaper blowouts (I swear this boy poops more than any I've ever seen), potty accidents from our potty learner, outfit changes from the previously mentioned and from good doses of spit up... that all contributes to the laundry pile... there are dishes to wash, bathrooms to clean... you know the drill... It's busy w/ little ones in the house and it can, on occasion (hahaha) be a bit tiring... BUT... it's oh so good...

Today I ventured to the store for the first time w/ both kiddos in tow. We actually did very well and hit both Target and the grocery store. Forgot a couple of things, but all in all it was good. After Target, we were sitting in the van. I was feeding Chip, Iz was sitting in the seat next to me sucking on the lollipop (I rarely ever bribe, but confess to doing so today to help assure a smooth first shopping trip with both) and bebopping to the music on the radio. I just wanted to hit the pause button... to stay right there in the moment for a bit. To let them stay this small for a while longer. It is so busy, but I do love being a mom to these kiddos and the only thing that could have improved the moment in the van in the Target parking lot would have been if Catie had been doing her thing with us. I happened to actually pause and pay attention to the song Iz was swaying to and it was a country song... "You're Gonna Miss This." "You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back, you're gona wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." I do know it and plan on trying to remind myself in the middle of the night and during those 2 year old tantrums that pop up at our house more often than I'd like. I will miss this... challenging days and all.

Ok... Iz Takes After Me a little

2009-02-09T21:34:00.004-05:00

These pics are all of me (can't you tell by the 70's clothes???). The last one reminds me of Catie but she looks so much like Tre' when he was little. I'll have to drum up some of those to upload. So many of these remind me of Izzy.

Guess Who has Enough Hair for a Pony Tail?

2009-02-03T23:03:00.003-05:00

Not Chip!! :) Iz has had enough hair for pigtails for a while, but it being long enough for a pony tail is a new thing for her.

Some Smiles from the Last 2 Weeks

2009-01-29T12:35:00.001-05:00

Sooo... There have officially been 4 in our house for 2 weeks now. We're loving it and it's so much fun watching Izzy with Chip. I know there will be plenty of sibling arguments in the years to come, but she already loves her little brother. She looks for him first thing every morning and will not go down at night w/o a kiss and some love for him. She has been very patient, for the most part, w/ all the time-consuming things that come w/ new babies. She's taken great interest in her babies and practices diaper changing and feeding them regularly. She wants to help w/ all we do w/ Chip too -- this is particularly interesting when I'm nursing. I pretty much end up w/ 2 kiddos in my lap. :) So long as she doesn't squish him, we're good to go.

The best laugh of our time together since Chip has been here had to take place last week. I was changing Chip and Iz was squooched right up against me "helping." He let go some gas that had more to it than just air and lo and behold, he had POOPED on Izzy's hand. She looked at me w/ this completely astounded look and I just died laughing. After about 2 seconds, she too was rolling. Oh my goodness, how we laughed. She has thoroughly enjoyed telling everyone that Chip pooped on her hand. Must admit he missed me that time, but my goodness, little boys pee a lot more often than little girls when de-diapered and it goes a heck of a lot farther!!!!!

Unbelievable -- I got all of this typed and both kids are still snoozing!!! We're going to master juggling 2 after all. Famous last words..... :)

Izzy's Funny Faces

2009-01-28T06:22:00.001-05:00

Loss and New Life

2009-01-18T23:15:00.003-05:00

How strange to sit here looking at this beautiful 4.5 day old little boy and think of what we were doing exactly 2 years ago. Tonight as we snuggle and love on and get to know this precious baby boy, we know that 2 years ago we were snuggling on, loving on, and saying goodbye to Catie. In some ways we wonder how 2 years have passed already and in others we wonder how in the world it's been only 2 years. Time is a strange thing. Chip's arrival has definitely relieved the anticipation of tomorrow a bit. I don't think I'll ever be able to put words to all the emotions we feel in the month of January. What a wide range of feelings God made us humans capable of feeling.

So... we will continue to celebrate Catie, Izzy, and Chip... and we will continue to miss Catie... and life will continue to bustle forward. We will be grateful for the tremendous blessings in our life even as we continue to grieve our loss.

We are all adjusting well to being a household of 4. Izzy has handled things like a champ. My mom has been here, so Iz has been getting lots of extra love as we adjust to juggling 2 kiddos. Chip is a snuggler and we are loving it. We're definitely lacking some sleep, but that's ok. We'll update more later this week... We're just busy soaking up Chip, loving on Izzy, and processing all that comes with January.

Thanks for checking in!!

More Pictures

2009-01-18T23:03:00.004-05:00

Iz was a bit tired, so no smile from her, but here the 4 of us are.

The other baby in the pic is Jackson, our new nephew. The pic of Tre' on the couch w/ Chip also has his sister, Tasha (Jackson's mom), and baby Jackson in it. Jackson is 6 weeks older than Chip. :)

Chip!!

2009-01-15T15:37:00.002-05:00

Pictures of Chip!

2009-01-15T09:54:00.003-05:00

He's here and he's so handsome. We can't wait to get all of us home and under the same roof! :)

Welcome Chip!

2009-01-14T15:25:00.006-05:00

Charles James IV is here!!

Aunt Nik Nik here.

I'm posting for Jenny because she can't stay awake right now and they don't have wireless at the hospital.

Both mom and baby are doing great. Chip was born right around 8:00 am and is 8 lbs 1 oz. He is 20 1/2 inches long.

Jenny will post as soon as she is able to with pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Check back a little later tonight and I will try to get a picture up.

Some Christmas Pictures!

2009-01-07T10:34:00.004-05:00

January

2009-01-05T15:52:00.003-05:00

So it hit me today that on Saturday I was exactly at the point in this pregnancy that I was in my pregnancy with Izzy on the day that Catie died. I honestly do not remember ever being "this" pregnant w/ Iz. I know it's just because of all that was going on, but it's amazing to look back and see the grace that was given to us to carry us through those days. I cannot believe that Chip's birthday, Catie's Heaven Day, and Izzy's birthday are all falling w/in 2 weeks of each other.

2 years seems like so long ago. Someone was at our house a few weeks ago and looked at Izzy and said, I can't believe she is almost 2. And there was a big pregnant pause b/c the immediate thought that came next for all of us was "and that Catie's been gone nearly 2 years." I was so worried that every time I looked at Iz I would get kind of a mental picture of how long it's been since Catie left us. It really hasn't been like that at all... for lots of reasons I guess... we're so head over heels in love w/ Izzy that it's impossible to look at her and think of loss, she keeps us so busy (she walks no where -- she has one speed and it's fast) that there's not time to think about that, and we're learning... We still feel her loss every single day, and I don't think anything will ever change that. When something so sacred is ripped from your life, the hole doesn't disappear, you just learn to live with it. But we are learning and we will continue to learn.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T00:48:00.004-05:00

So everyone's awake at our house even though it's 12:30. :) Nothing big, just a bit of a fever from Ms. Izzy. Her big sis must have given her some tips on downing meds before she was born, b/c seriously... she has always taken medicine like a champ! She's downed some Motrin and is snuggled up next to her daddy now and I'm catching up on bad tv. :) My body is so in that "getting ready" mode!

We've been busy getting things ready here at the house. One of the things we tackled last week was going through all the dressup clothes and weeding them out a bit. Would you believe that we found a "gift" from Catie as we did? Granted, we used to stumble upon little gifts from her all the time, but the longer she's gone, the less frequently we find them. If you've followed us since Caringbridge days, you might remember that Catie was a bit of a money hoarder. After she died, we found over $50 in her "change purse" that she kept with her at the hospital. I couldn't believe it! As time without her passed I'd stumble on a purse here or a change holder there w/ a wad of money in it. I thought I'd found it all, but apparently I'd missed her Minnie Mouse purse! It was buried in the dressup stuff w/ a wad of 8 one dollar bills stuck inside it. I just had to laugh!! I do confess that discoveries like that truly do feel like they're from her and it's so very nice... the money doesn't matter -- though it does make me giggle -- it's the feeling of finding something of hers. I know she didn't consciously leave it for us to find, but it still feels like a gift from her.

We had a great Christmas and Iz was TOTALLY into it all! :) She loved the lights, she loved the baking (ok, let's be honest -- she loved the cookie dough and you wouldn't believe how fast she could shove it in her mouth!!), she thought she had to be involved in opening any package that was unwrapped in her presence! I promise to upload some pics soon and do a better Christmas update.

For now, I'm heading back to sleep! I figure we'll be seeing early morning hours a lot soon!

Oh yeah, one more thing... thank you to those who suggested a satin/silky pillow case to help w/ the serious bed head Iz has in the mornings! We've gotten a couple and it really does make a big difference -- especially on the nights she manages to keep her head on the pillow all night!!! :)

Annette

2008-12-19T05:14:00.003-05:00

When Catie was going through treatment, there seemed to be an abundance of baby girls within a year of her age waging their own battles on the 3rd floor of Scottish Rite. One little girl was Maddy and we got to know her family as we walked the halls together. Maddy battled undifferentiated sarcoma bravely, but won her battle as Catie later did, by running into the arms of Jesus. I remember watching her family walk the halls with her on their last stay and my heart breaking for them. They have since welcomed 2 more little ones to their family. Grant is 2 and Annette is just 10 weeks. This week Kirk and Natalie (mom and dad) learned the unimaginable news that Annette has a large tumor in her brain and a tumor in her spine. They are facing this beast a second time. Doctors are suspicious it's medulloblastoma or ATRT, but nothing will be known for sure until pathology reports are in. Her biopsy and debulking surgery is scheduled for early this morning. Please pray for this family... pray for a better outcome... pray for strength and wisdom... pray for Grant as his world has been turned upside down... You can visit them and leave encouragement for them on their blog... http://www.maxeyweb.com

The Holidays

2008-11-30T16:37:00.005-05:00

Thus far the holidays this year aren't quite as intimidating as they were last year. Last year, they flat out scared the mess out of me... How on earth were we supposed to do Christmas without Catie. I'm not sure if I just know that we survived last year, so we'll be ok, if we're making progress, if I'm in denial, or maybe just a little of all of the above. Thanksgiving this year was, for me, the least challenging holiday I've had since we lost her. Again... not sure if it was denial or if after being stuck in the house, on the couch trying to get this baby to cook a bit longer that I was just so glad to get out of the house that it didn't even matter. Who knows...

We haven't decorated yet, but we will this week. I have broken out the Christmas music. It's funny how some songs make me smile and some just smack me between the eyes and can start the tears. This year, as Christmas approaches there is this incredible excitement to see it through Izzy's eyes... I know she's old enough to understand a bit more this year... no she won't get it all, but she's already talking lots about HoHo and she loves seeing Christmas stuff that's already out. I can't wait to see what she thinks about having a tree and lights up in her house! Then there is the stuff that will trigger so many Catie memories... That's good and hard. I guess we just keep doing what we've done since we lost her... really since she was diagnosed.... keep rolling with the punches, cry when you need to, and keep moving forward... just keep swimming...

Sometimes it still just makes me crazy to know that our family will never be totally complete this side of Heaven. Someone will always, always be missing. And I still hate that Izzy and Chip got jipped out of knowing Catie... though I'm glad they don't have to deal with the grief of missing. But I'm also grateful that I'm not completely frightened by Christmas this year... and I really can't wait to watch Izzy learn to enjoy the magic of the season...

Pudding Anyone?

2008-11-29T09:34:00.002-05:00

Man this pudding is good stuff....

You sure you don't want me to feed you some too?

Making pancakes with Daddy

This is how Izzy's hair looks every single morning when she wakes up. It looks like the hair fairy teased it while she was a sleep.... Thank goodness for Suave detangling spray. Any suggestions on how to keep it from doing this????

Walking with my Daddy...

I'm Making a Permanent Imprint...

2008-11-19T18:28:00.003-05:00

on my couch! Yep... due to some contractions last week and more after trying to go back to work on Monday, I've been sent home. That could be a grand thing if I had the freedom to do all the things that need to be done around the house, but that's not quite how it works. Tre' has been nothing short of amazing and we may be calling him Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart before it's all over with. Tonight he even got roped into picking out a fancy holiday top for me to wear to a Make A Wish Event we committed to earlier in the year (I got a "free pass" from my doc to attend since we're committed to speak at the event). Iz is getting in some extra time with GaGa and PaPa.

So, though I REALLY hate sitting around all day long... I'm very thankful that I'm sitting here and contractions have backed off. I'm thankful that we have such supportive family and friends and that my school has been so great! I'm searching hard for projects around the house that can be done from the couch and the countdown has begun... for me at least. :)

A Sleeping Girl

2008-11-14T14:34:00.003-05:00

I love to watch children as they sleep. I have pictures of both girls sacked out in various positions. One night I'm going to wake up every hour and take a picture of Izzy b/c she changes positions so much as she sleeps. She definitely sleeps with abandon.

Last night, I was reading an update on a friend of ours who has been battling cancer for far too long... He's such a trooper and a comment he made to his dad just struck me. It made me laugh and broke my heart all at the same time and it made me think of Catie.. It made me think of Catie and all that kids with cancer have to endure and how their normal is so NOT normal... Most of the time, I can be ok with the fact that that was Catie's life. But last night it made me sad. So I walked into Izzy's room where she was sprawled out on her back sound asleep. I have been known in a moment like that to pick her up and carry her to the couch and snuggle her close. She's a pretty sound sleeper at night, so I can usually get by with that. But last night, I just laid down next to her and stroked that beautiful golden blonde hair and I prayed. "Dear God... Thank you for this beautiful child you have blessed us with... thank you for the innocence that she has. Thank you that a blood pressure cuff wigs her out a bit, even if it's on my arm. Thank you that she cries when her finger is pricked b/c it hurts and it's not routine for her. Thank you that her normal is normal (except maybe for her mom and dad :) )... And please God.... please, please let it always be this way. Protect her from the the things Catie had to know about.... Protect her and protect Chip...."

Please Pray

2008-11-08T08:58:00.004-05:00

Edited to add: Missy now has a caringbridge site. I know that she and her family would welcome your encouragement and prayers. Missy's Site

There are times in this life when there is nothing you can do but pray for someone. Our friend Ryan (also known as Super Ryan) was first diagnosed with neuroblastoma in 2004. He had some time off treatment and then relapsed. His mom, Missy was diagnosed with breast cancer not long after he relapsed. Missy battled and Ryan battled on. Ryan continues to battle his relapse and Missy has just learned that her cancer has returned. She has gone home on hospice... Please pray for this family... pray for their three children... for Les, dad and husband... Please just pray for them. SuperRyan

Whew, What a Week!

2008-11-07T16:25:00.001-05:00

This has felt like one crazy week!!! I think it's mainly because the schedule seems to have been full and we've been doing the babysitter shuffle. :) The stomach bug has been going around at the sitter's house this week and we just didn't want to bring that home!!! Thankfully, Tre's folks live fairly close, so Iz has gotten in lots of time w/ GaGa and Poppy this week. She's run a low grade fever off and on since Wed. We're thinking she's cutting her eye teeth, but it's made for a whiny girl at times. Throw in dinner w/ our supper club election night, an OB appt., a Make A Wish board meeting, work, and all the normal stuff and it's worn me out!!!

We did learn that, barring any surprises, Mr. Chip will make his arrival into our arms early on Wed., January 14th!! Can you believe that is less than 10 weeks away???? If you could see my belly right now, you might be surprised it's not sooner!!! :) There is so much to get done before he arrives --- I don't even have anywhere to put his clothes yet! Thanks to some friends who've had little boys recently, he's got clothes to wear, so if I can just find a place to keep them we'll be good to go. There are lots of little projects around the house I'd like to tackle too... It's hard to believe there is about to be a new little one around here, and a BOY at that. We can't wait to meet him!

Elves!!!!!

2008-11-05T15:40:00.006-05:00

It's getting to be that time of year again!!! Time to start thinking about the birth of Christ, Christmas shopping, my favorite music of the year, Santa (or HoHo as he's referred to at our house right now), and visits from elves. Last year a great little project got started. Elves from Catie... If you missed it last year, check this out: That Silly Old Elf . We are on the move again with Elves from Catie and there are several ways you can get involved. It's easy to get involved and it's SUCH a great tradition!!! (You really do need to click the link above and read about it if you don't know about the tradition.) Ok... so ways you can be a part....

1. Donate an Elf from Catie kit to a child in the hospital -- Kits are $35 and include an elf, an Elf from Catie book (about an elf that visits the hospital -- very cute story), and elf food (jelly beans) (go to the website and just click on the Elves from Catie logo)
2. Purchase an elf for a child you know. Elves come with all the things listed above and the price for these is $35 as well. (go to the website and click on Host an Elf)
3. Have your civic organization, ladies' circle, youth group, etc. get involved and work to donate elves to kids in the hospital.
4. Copy and paste this into an e-mail and send it out to all your contacts. Ask them to continue to forward it on. This was HUGELY successful last year.

The website is Host an Elf. All Elves from Catie purchases (elves donated to a child in the hospital) will have $5 of the purchase donated to CURE Childhood Cancer. Your elf purchase for a child you know can also benefit CURE. Just BE SURE to indicate that you want CURE to benefit. To do this, on the page that says non-profit donations at the bottom, choose fundraiser under category and CURE Childhood Cancer under name. If you don't do this, CURE won't receive the $5.

Last year was hugely successful... I hope this year can be even more so. Help us out and spread the word!! Elves from Catie is great because it shares a wonderful, memory-making tradition with families AND raises money for a CURE. And a CURE is so desperately needed... Spread the joy (and the elfish mischief)!!

Halloween 2008

2008-11-01T21:34:00.007-04:00

We had a big time Friday night. We only hit 10 houses or so, but that was just enough for an almost 2 year old who had already had a long day. She was cute as a button!! I wish I had taken my camera out before I let her look in the mirror to see her rosy cheeks and freckles. She was so funny checking herself out. It's so hard to get a pic of her smiling these days. She smiles and laughs all the time, but usually becomes Ms. Stone face when the camera comes out. We got a couple of smiles in these though.

She's been so loving lately and will just come up to me and want a long, good hug. Makes my day for sure!! She also seems to have figured out that my belly is growing because of a baby in the tummy. That's just happened in the last week or so. Every once in a while, she'll point to my tummy and say, "baby," or "kick." :) She loves being outside and would stay out all day if we let her. We've had some gorgeous weather lately, so she's been loving that.

Oh, I've Missed You this Week Sweet Girl

2008-11-01T21:20:00.004-04:00

Fall and Stuff

2008-10-28T21:02:00.003-04:00

Can you guess who I'm being for Halloween?

Welcome Home Sweet Joey

2008-10-20T07:54:00.005-04:00

Joey hurt his back last weekend. We're not sure how he did it, but w were told it was not an uncommon injury for dogs like him with short legs and longer backs. Our vet worked for a week trying to help him... his back legs were paralyzed and he had lost control of his urine and bowels. We were hoping that he would improve, but he did not. So on Friday afternoon our Joey was welcomed home by the person who loved him more than anybody... I can just picture Catie as she stood at the gates of Heaven and Joey bounded into her arms. I have no doubt they spent the weekend running through the fields of Heaven. I'm even betting there was a little wrestling involved as Catie couldn't really do that with him here on Earth b/c of her balance.

The day we brought Joey home, Catie was about a week out of her 3rd major craniotomy. She was still feeling not so great and moving slow. She was very nervous about hurting her head. I knew Joey was the dog for us when he gently crawled up on top of her where she was lying and they both fell sound asleep.

He was always such a comfort for Catie. Just as he knew what Catie needed... he always knew what Izzy could handle as well. He was gentle and easy with her when she was small and in recent months they have enjoyed some hearty play in our great room. Iz dubbed him JoJo and that's often the first word from her mouth when we pull up at the house...

Oh, we'll miss him.... but I also know that he's just fine and that he and our girl Catie are basking in joys we have yet to know or understand.

Fall Break... Aaaaahhhhh...

2008-10-16T12:17:00.002-04:00

You've just gotta love fall break!!!!! Being home for the last several years, I had forgotten how good Friday afternoons and the beginning of a few days off can feel. I'm here to tell you, it feels good!

Things are going well here... Izzy is growing, my belly is growing (not sure which one is growing faster!). Iz is cold and sniffle free at the moment (though she's shared her last cold with her daddy). The dishwasher and washing machine are running and I'm trying to catch up on a few things. Iz even seemed to catch on to the idea of vacation this morning. After waking at her normal time, she and I decided to curl up on the couch. She actually fell back asleep!!! :) There were some serious snuggles going on. I eventually got up and got a few things done, and she continued to snooze (see pics in entry below).

She's just woken up from her nap and I think we're going to fold a load of clothes! Hope things are good in your neck of the woods!

More Izzy Pics

2008-10-16T11:29:00.003-04:00

Bubbles and Puppy Love

2008-10-10T19:49:00.008-04:00

Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

2008-10-04T21:29:00.002-04:00

Yep, you read right! We're having a BOY!!!!! We weren't going to find out -- we never have until this time. And we tired not to this time, but this little man wanted to be seen!!! I guess he was worried he wouldn't have anything but pink to where when he got here if he didn't make it known that blue was the color of the day. We looked away at all the right times during the ultrasound -- didn't even peek (though I was tempted too). Tre' and I were looking at the pictures that printed out before we left the ultrasound room when Tre' noticed something on one of the pics in his hand. He showed it to me and there was no mistaking boy parts peeking from behind a leg. We asked to double check and we just laughed. A boy!!!! What in the world are we going to do with a boy???? I'm betting we figure it out... I remember a day when we didn't know what to do with girls!! :) We'll name him after his daddy, Charles James IV and we'll call him Chip. Chip was on Catie's list of approved boy names (directly behind Flounder and Lucifer (you know the cat from Cinderella -- told her NO way, NO how on that one!!))... She liked Chip b/c of the little teacup on Beauty and the Beast. I just like the name and I like the way it sounds when we say Chip and Izzy. A BOY!! Who'd of thunk it???

Dancing Queen

2008-10-04T21:24:00.001-04:00

Oh sweet Izzy -- what joy you bring to our hearts! Tonight we had the chance to be with friends and hear a little live music. Izzy loved it, she moved to the music and stomped her feet to the beat. She was absolutely cracking me up and did NOT want to get off the dance floor if there was any music going. We've got to work on that dancing etiquette a bit as dancing to your own beat can get in the way of other folks during the Electric Slide or the ChaChaCha. Every time she came off the floor, she would say, "Dance!" Too funny and so sweet. I hope she's always as comfortable and confidant as she was tonight.

Growing Girl

2008-09-28T10:50:00.003-04:00

6 Years Old

2008-09-28T09:12:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday sweet Catie Bug! On Friday, she would have been 6. Six! That sounds so grown. I didn't think days like that were going to be too bad when we first lost her b/c I know she was never meant to live to be 6 or 8 or 20. But in my mind... she was always meant to live that long. The anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day and this year was no different. Friday was just kind of a melancholy day. The day was eased by phone calls, texts and e-mails from dear friends and family. One friend brought a "chicknen biscuit w/ chicknen on it" by school for me... Had Catie been here, I have no doubt the day would have involved Chick-fil-A in some shape, form, or fashion. On the way from Chick-fil-A to the school, my friend saw a huge rainbow... Way to go Catie (and Hayley -- I'm betting the 2 of you were in on that together). This makes us 2 for 2 as far as rainbows and celebrating Catie's birthday without her. I know it won't happen every year, but it's been pretty special thus far.

We also decided to start a new tradition w/ Iz of letting balloons go at the cemetary on Catie's birthday. I think this will be something that will allow our other kiddos to be a part of her day in years to come. This year though, let's just say it was a good thing we had tucked an extra balloon in the car. Letting balloons fly to the sky with no chance of recovering them can be a bit traumatic for a 20 month old! :)

I think one of the things that struck me as harder this year was the fact that I didn't know what Catie would have wanted for her birthday this year or what kind of party she would have wanted... Last year, I still had an idea... it hadn't been that long since we had lost her and I kind of figured she would still like similar things. This year though, if she had been here, she would have started school, met new people, liked new things... I have no idea what she would have been into or what her new interests would have been. That was harder this year.

In the last couple of weeks, Iz has really taken to watching Catie's video from her Celebration of Life. She loves it. She'll run over to the computer and say, "Cakie, Cakie." She names all the people she knows in the video, sometimes imitates what's Catie is doing in the pictures, and laughs hysterically at the picture of Catie in the Groucho Marx glasses and the section where Catie is opening her little chair at her 2nd birthday party. You can almost see her little brain trying to figure out... who exactly is this little person named Catie that's in all these pictures with people I know and love...

The Joys (hahaha) of Potty Training

2008-09-25T16:48:00.001-04:00

We are officially in the throes of potty training! At Mrs. Amber's house, Izzy really does a great job!! She'll have an accident here or there, but she totally gets that when you sit on the pot your supposed to tinkle or poop. She's done both willingly over the last couple of weeks. She's not telling us she has to go, but we're putting her on the commode every 20-30 minutes. There have been several days where I pick her up and she's wearing the same clothes I dropped her off in. I called to check on her on the first day of potty training and Amber said she was doing great! She had only had one accident and when she did, she took off running to the restroom going, "go, go, go, go, go!!" Too funny and it let me know that she really is ready.

She's not so eager about using the potty at home. She'll do it, but she's less likely to do it at home than at Amber's house. One day last week Iz was playing in the kitchen while I was browning hamburger meat. We had just tried to go potty. All of a sudden she started yelling, "tee tee, tee tee." Sure enough, beneath her was a big puddle. I stripped her down and threw a towel over the puddle. Then I gave a quick stir to the hamburger meat and went to sit her on the toilet. In that short amount of time, she'd run and found a corner in her room and started to... yep, you guessed it... POOP!!!!! AAGGHH!!!!! I need to take some lessons from Mrs. Amber, the potty training queen!!! :)

Beach Fun

2008-09-03T18:32:00.002-04:00

Ok, so it's really hard to catch Izzy still right now. Her are a couple of shots from the weekend though.

We haven't fallen off the planet!

2008-09-02T22:33:00.002-04:00

Though you might think we have as it's been nearly a MONTH since I've written anything!!!!! Chalk it up to trying to remember how to work and get everything done at home too. If I were really honest though, I could blame it ALL on the 5:45 AM wake up call!!!! Have I ever said I'm not a morning person? I'm here to tell you, I'm REALLY not a morning person!

Iz continues to do great at the sitter's. We're talking about tackling potty training soon. She's pointing to the potty and saying "potty words." She likes to give it a try before she gets in the tub and she's started letting me know when she has a stinky diaper. We figure we'll go ahead and give it a go. Should be interesting!!

Went to the GA game (go DAWGS!!) and the beach this weekend and think we're all thoroughly beat! But we sure had a good time. I got some good pics of Izzy that I'll try to get up by the weekend (so long as Hannah doesn't blow our electricity out!).

Hope you're well!

1st Days, Adjustments, and Grieving with Hope

2008-08-06T21:42:00.004-04:00

So today was the day... the first day of school. There were definitely thoughts of Catie and what she would have thought of kindergarten, how her day would have been, who her classmates would have been. I'm happy to say we survived the day. My meltdowns always seem to come ahead of whatever I'm dreading, and I managed to take care of it yesterday instead of this morning. Definitely a good things considering I had to do school stuff at school today!! I confess to tearing up a bit as I watched little ones reuniting w/ their mommas at the end of the day... All in all though, I think we managed well. Boy we still miss her like mad though!!

Anticipating what would have been her 1st day at school has had her on the brain even more than usual. Catie stories have filled my head. I rarely call Izzy Catie these days, but it has happened at least 3 times in the last week. She has been very present in my mind for sure.

Izzy has done a great job transitioning into going to the sitter's house! She is such a social bug and loves, loves, loves playing with the other kids who are there. She is cheerful when I drop her off and cheerful when I pick her up. We are so grateful for Mrs. Amber and for the fact that Izzy is so comfortable there. She is a tired puppy at the end of the day, but I have no doubt that's because of our early morning wake up call! It's ENTIRELY too early for this momma!! We're adjusting though... which includes trying to tame the night owl in me. :)

I'm sure many of you have heard about the tragic loss that Steven Curtis Chapman's family experienced in May. This morning, Good Morning America aired an interview with their family that is very moving. Click here to view the interview. I could identify with so much of what they said. At one point they talk about being a family of faith, but also being a family with a lot of questions. And then SCC says something to the effect of, "But that's what faith is.... it's having faith through the questions." Powerful stuff.

One last note... Please pray for our friend Tyler Copley and his family. He has battled far more and far harder than anyone should have to. His time is short. He and his mom were always good about coming by to visit us when we were inpatient... Our thoughts and prayers are with them now. We pray his journey is easy, his suffering short, and we know his joy will soon be complete.

A Gift

2008-07-22T10:43:00.005-04:00

So today I ran by my new school to see what room I'm going to be in. I'm going to be doing intervention (working w/ kids who need a little extra help) so I'm not going to have a homeroom. I wanted to see the room to get an idea of what I needed to do in it.

A little background -- When Catie turned 3, she went to preschool through the school system for 1/2 a year. I knew the teacher (had taught with her and taught her son) and I knew the physical and occupational therapists she would be working with. I knew she was in good hands. So, for that time, she went to preschool at the school I'm going to be teaching at.

So... today I go to see my room... Would you believe that out of all the rooms in that school, I am in the room that Catie was in for 3 year old preschool??????? It took my breath away, but there is something strangely comforting about it. It is the only room in the whole county that I could have ended up in that she had spent time in... So, though I know there will be tears on the first day of school because I won't be walking her down to her kindergarten classroom... I'll be in the only room in the school she's spent time in... What are the odds of that?

A Visit

2008-07-17T21:10:00.002-04:00

The cemetary is not a place we visit frequently, we know it's not where Catie really is. Sure, her body is there, but we know she is living full and free and full of joy in Heaven. It is a place I like to go on occasion though... usually it's just a quick visit, a drop in. I'm so glad that we had Catie's picture engraved on her stone.. it's nice to know that folks can see her instead of just a name and some dates. We were headed out to the beach to meet friends on Monday and were passing not far from the cemetary, so Iz and I stopped by. I pulled her from her car seat and set her in the grass. She followed me to Catie's spot, just off the road. I bent down and began dusting the dirt from her stone. I swear, every time I do that, I have this thought... "Here I am at my daughter's grave, brushing the dirt from her stone. I had another daughter and she died." It's strange how the loss can be so present in our lives, but still so unreal at the same time. So I'm brushing the stone and Iz walks over and I point to the stone. "Catie," I say. She reaches down with her tiny, pudgy hand and gently brushes the engraving, she brushes her sister's face. Then, in her sweet toddler way, she begins to blow kisses towards her sister's picture. My heart stopped with the sweetness and the unfairness of the moment. The sweetness that Izzy knows that Catie is someone special in our family and the utter, complete unfairness that she never met her... A tender moment between sisters as best Iz can do given our circumstances. Oh how I pray that we raise her and this sweet babe in my belly to know Catie... to know her as she was, not grown bigger than life because she's gone... to know her and to love her without being morbid or overdoing it. It's a balance I've worried about since Catie died... I want them to know her and love her as best they can without meeting her, but I never want them to feel overshadowed by her. I pray we find the right balance.

Iz is our wild woman for sure, but she definitely has a tender heart. It's strange to think how the loss of someone she never met will shape some aspects of her life. I've been watching Army Wives this season. I LOVE the show!! I have been enjoying watching how the characters in the show have dealt with grief (a couple on the show lost their daughter at the begin of the season). There was an interesting quote on the show recently. The husband and wife were talking... talking about all that had changed with the loss of their daughter. And the wife said, "Honey, Amanda's death changed our lives forever. I'm trying really hard not to let it shape our future too." Her husband responded, "I know, but I'm afraid it already has." I have to admit I'm a bit more with the husband on that one. I don't see how Catie's death can have no affect on our future. Something as small as tossing a pebble in the lake sends out ripples... the waves that are caused by the death of a child are more like those that come from a hurricane. They do change what happens to our future. But, I can appreciate what the wife was saying. You've got to find the balance... it's going to shape your future, but you've got to claim some of that future too. You've got to accept yourself as you are now... forever changed because of a vast hole left in your home... and you've got to find a way to embrace life again. Some days it's easier than others. Izzy has definitely made it easier.

I was talking with a dear friend today and we were talking about "Catie stuff." I told her that I didn't expect to be "over" it at this point, but that I was surprised at how very present it all still is. In talking with others who have lost children, I'm more convinced that it's something that takes a lifetime to process. I do think you learn to live with it... we already are learning and have come a long way... but I think you continue to process for all your life. That's ok, because we'll love her all our lives... so I guess it's only fitting.

And We're Back

2008-07-16T21:17:00.003-04:00

We have been enjoying the summer! We've been to the lake and to the beach... soaking up some sun and water and going through lots of sunscreen -- you gotta love the spray stuff. Iz has enjoyed the water and spending time w/ folks she loves. She's definitely easier at the beach than at the lake... at the lake the water gets deep so quick that you really have to stay right on top of her. At the beach, we usually go out at low tide -- Tybee's south end is sooooo great for little ones at low tide. There are great tide pools and the adults stay cool in the water while the kids run around and splash and, as Izzy loves to do, cover themselves in sand.

Some pics to share...

Checking out a book w/ Uncle Chad (he and Aunt Tati are expecting their first baby in November, a boy, we can't wait!!)

Giving loving to Natalie (who just turned 1!!)

If you only knew how many pictures we had to take to get this one!!

And check this out -- they're both still!!

Hanging out at the lake

Check out that wild hair

With Sara Beth -- and escaping from the picture

We were going for a cute pic in their matching pjs -- Sara Beth finally just held her head towards the camera b/c Iz kept escaping!!

Happy Girl!!!

The other reason I haven't posted much lately is b/c of some computer issues. My keyboard was going a little nuts, kept typing numbers instead of letters. So when Tre' brought his laptop home, I would catch up on e-mails, but no time for blogging. And... I kept falling asleep at night before I had time to call Dell to see what the deal was. So today, I decided to call Dell while Iz was napping. The nice man at Dell said, "have you tried pressing the number lock key on your laptop?" Oh my gosh!!!!! It seems that at some point, about 3 weeks ago, Iz hit the number lock key... and so, I haven't been able to type on my computer for THREE WEEKS b/c I didn't hit the number lock key!!!!! :) Can you believe that? Too funny! Oh well... you gotta laugh!!! It was easy to fix and we're back in business now!!

Little Izzy Tornado

2008-06-26T16:25:00.005-04:00

Moonpie may be her official nickname, but here recently, she is quite commonly (and lovingly) referred to as Little Izzy Tornado. If you could watch her blast into a fairly orderly room, you would understand why!!! She is SO busy and SO into everything. She has one speed and it is NOT slow! This morning I was getting some things out of the pantry and in 60 seconds flat she had found bubbles on a shelf (that I thought she couldn't reach), opened it and dumped them out. As I went to grab a towel (leaving the pantry door open like the oh-so-smart person that I am) she found a package of instant oatmeal, ripped it open, and dumped it on the floor!!! In 60 SECONDS FLAT! Oh, how she keeps us on our toes!!

But, oh, how she makes us smile. She has really learned the power of using words and is usually really good about letting us know what she wants. Now we still get the "uh, uh, uh" when she wants something. But a look from one of us and she will usually find a word to tell us what she wants. USUALLY... not always! :) Today in the car, we were just leaving the house. She loves music and one of the songs she loves is on a mix CD that I have. She started signing and saying, "more, more" from the backseat. I looked over my shoulder and asked her, "more what?" She started going "na na na na" which for her means the "na na" song. She loves (and so do I) the song "Sheltering Tree" by Newsong. So I put on the "na na" song and sure enough she was trying to sing along on the "na na" parts. She's starting to really enjoy playing with her babies and at one point today I looked over at her and she was bent over her baby just talking to her. Her favorite game is playing chase around the house with her daddy. She loves for him to scare her and she just laughs and laughs when he does. It is too funny to watch them running around the island that separates our kitchen and great room!! I love watching her grow and learn and interact more and more with the world around us. She really does keep us smiling and laughing.

Thanks for all the well-wishes for this new little one headed our way. We are eager to meet him/her (and won't know if it's a him/her till he/she arrives)! I confess to wanting to sleep ALL the time and dealing with the oh so fun morning sickness (though it's never just in the morning, is it?).... That's ok though, I know it means my body is doing what it should be (though I will be glad when I'm not feeling quite so icky. :)

Lots of News from Our House

2008-06-19T15:32:00.005-04:00

Well, the last week and a half has been eventful, complete with having to briefly evacuate our house due to a forest fire on our road (everything's fine), my car window being busted out and my purse and ipod (among other things, including my makeup!!) being stolen, and a deep freezer that all of a sudden no longer freezes!!! When it rains, it pours!! These are just minor annoyances though -- a bit of a pain, but nothing more.

Other news... I'm going back to teaching this fall. WOW!! Big changes coming our way, huh? I'll be teaching at a school close to home, we've found a sitter for Izzy who we feel good about (2 good friends' kids are also staying there), and we're soaking up every bit of this summer home together. :) Hopefully we'll all do well adjusting to a newer and MUCH busier schedule.

And we've saved the BIGGEST and BEST news for last!!!!! Izzy is going to be a BIG sister!!!!!! Yes, we're very much looking forward to welcoming a new baby in late January. The baby is due 5 days before Izzy turns 2 (which means, yes, the due date is 2 days after Catie's Heaven day -- we just cram it all into one week!!).

Well..... how's that for an update??? Lots of news for sure. Now, I'm off to take a nap!! :)

Catie Days

2008-06-08T22:54:00.005-04:00

I call them Catie days... days when she's more present in my mind than on an average day... days when I miss her even more than on a normal day. The missing is never gone, but there are days it is much more present than others. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those days when my mind went back to the end of her life. I remember when it sunk it that things really might not end like we so desperately wanted. And for some reason, today my mind drifted back to that time and replayed it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason -- my brain processing such a traumatic time or something... but whatever the reason, today my mind went back to that morning. I remember trying to find a way to curl my 8 1/2 month pregnant body around her without messing up any of her many, many tubes and wires. And I remember crying and crying. When you are living it, it doesn't seem unimaginable, you're just trying to get through it... But I'm here to tell you that what families of kids with cancer and families of other critically ill kids have to deal with is all too often unimaginable. Those aren't the memories we dwell on here... we try to focus on the good ones. But there are times when you wish that people in the "normal" world knew what goes on in a children's hospital... that they knew what these kids and their families go through.

Earlier, I didn't like days like today, and sometimes I still don't... but sometimes they are somehow, strangely, a comfort. I don't know if somehow I feel closer to Catie or if it helps my heart to process a little more... but sometimes it's ok.

So it was already a Catie day and then I watched Army Wives. I'm a big fan and tonight was the season premier. I won't spoil it for anyone who might have Tivo'd it, but suffice it to say that it got the rest of my good cry for the day out. The ending hit so close to home... letting go... letting go... If you watched it I'm betting you got your cry in too.

Today was one of those days, and for today that was ok. I needed to feel close to her today. It seems like such a long, long time since we let her go.

Home from Atlanta

2008-06-06T13:42:00.009-04:00

We just got home from spending a few days in Atlanta. The new Ronald McDonald House at Egleston (sister hospital of Scottish Rite) had it's grand opening this week. There were a couple of open rooms at the RMcD House that we always stayed at and we actually ended up staying there and catching up with old friends since no other families needed them. It was funny to see Izzy running through the kitchen and family rooms. She immediately took to Cari (the house manager) and within minutes they were chasing each other through the house just like Catie and Cari used to do.

This trip was meaningful for lots of reasons. A very special couple (I'm not listing their name here, b/c I didn't talk to them about writing this) donated a room to the new house in Catie's memory. We met them at a RMcD House Golf Tournament several years ago. Catie fell in love with them and I think she sat with them for most of dinner. These sweet folks introduced her to cherries that night and she kept them busy running to the drink table to get more!! It was too funny. This couple is so sweet. Their kindness and sweet packages for Catie (which almost always contained a jar of cherries) always made us smile!! It was nice to get to see them again this week. I don't think words could ever convey to them how much their very generous donation in Catie's memory means to our family. We will always, always be grateful.

The new house is absolutely beautiful!! There are 40 rooms and 10 transplant suites. Previously transplant patients (organ and bone marrow) have had to stay at hotels following transplant b/c of the need for isolation. They will now be able to stay at the RMcD House. This will be so much more convenient and better for families. I'm really thankful for this addition to the house.

Just a couple of pics from the week...

Izzy was fascinated with Ronald McDonald. I had to start avoiding him b/c if she saw him she wanted to stay with him.

Izzy with Cari -- her hair is just getting more and more blonde

Sign outside of the room donated in Catie's memory -- the rooms are gorgeous!!!

Oops, she spotted Ronald again!

Sweet friends at the grand opening -- nice one of me HAHA

Happy girl

Thanks for checking in!

A Little Too Brave for Her Britches

2008-05-21T10:18:00.004-04:00

Monday morning started off with a bang at our house. A certain little girl woke up on the wrong side of the bed and NOTHING would make her happy. I tried everything I knew to do to diffuse the oncoming tantrum -- holding her, singing (scary sound, I know), distracting her, ignoring the fit.... nothing was fixing what was ailing her. I finally decided to just put Iz in her crib to give her some time out and hoped she would chill with no audience to watch the drama. She continued to cry (throw down is more like it) and then I heard a THUMP! She never broke her rhythm crying, but I knew there was nothing in her crib but a blanket and blankets don't make thumping sounds when they're chunked out of cribs... Blankets might not, but little girls do! I walked into her room and she was toddling toward me still bawling (I'd have been bawling by then too!). She had climbed out of her bed and hit her head on a nearby chair. She grew a goose egg on her noggin quite quickly and managed to see how fast her momma's heart could race with worry. So... I'm thinking the crib is getting packed up and sent to the attic!!

Of course we had pictures scheduled for that afternoon!! Quickly rescheduled those, but definitely took pictures of my own so that when her little spitfire does the same thing one day I have proof that it's in the genes! I was sure we were going to see every color of the rainbow around her eye, but little ones heal so quickly! You can still tell she bumped it, but it's not nearly as bad as we thought it would be.

Day 1

Day 2 -- Notice the blue sand on her unbruised eye -- I think she was trying to make them match! We went straight to the bath after this, she had brought half of outside inside with her.

Day 3

It hasn't slowed her down one bit! She's as busy as ever and keeps us laughing most of the day!

Izzy B

2008-05-18T15:58:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I write here because it's helps to write down my thoughts. Sometimes I write because it's a place to record things that are going on so I don't forget them before we grow old.

Izzy is growing so quickly. I know it seems like I write that all the time, but I continue to be amazed at this age. I had forgotten what little sponges they are. She is so on the move -- constant motion. She's getting so tall - I looked at her lying in her crib yesterday and couldn't believe how much of it she fills up. She continues to LOVE being outside. She loves the sandbox, the sprinkler, bugs, dirt, little pieces of pine straw or leaves or rocks. She likes flowers and is so cute when she smells them. She loves to play with Joey and he is so good with her.

Iz had become a nap fighter -- she can flat wear me out trying to get her down for nap, even if she is completely exhausted. She is very determined and knows what she wants. The fine line of taming the will without breaking the spirit is the line we're walking around here these days. She has such a strong spirit and I love that... it's just those tantrums when things don't go her way that I don't like so much. I feel like this age is so critical for later years... Kids learn about boundaries and if you stick to what you say... If you draw a line in the sand and they stick their big toe over it will the same thing happen every time? I pray that we have wisdom in our parenting and that God continues to mold us into just the parents that Izzy needs.

Izzy is quite the social butterfly. I meet very few strangers when we're out and about these days. She could so be the wal-mart greeter these days. She waves to everyone and thinks they're all supposed to say, "hello" and speak to her. It really is quite an adventure to run to the grocery store some days. I love that she is so outgoing and friendly... might have to do a bit of learning about stranger danger though! :)

One of my favorite nights this week was when Izzy discovered on of Catie's Christmas presents from her last Christmas. You need a little background here... Catie and her daddy used to have "wars" w/ the bumpers off of the fireplace (you know, the rubbery things that you put on so kids don't split their head wide open if they bump their head on it)... They would each get one and go at it, both of them laughing hysterically the whole time. This was one of those times that Catie's laugh just came from her belly and just bubbled up out of her... I can still hear her now and see her face... Well, for Christmas, Santa brought them 2 fake, foamy/rubber swords... This what Izzy discovered Thursday night. She didn't know what they were for, but never fear... Daddy taught her. She laughed -- from her belly too -- when Tre' would poke her in the ribs with it. Then she wanted him to do it more and more... so sweet... It wasn't long before she figured out she could get him with it. The swords are almost as tall as she is, and she hasn't developed much finesse with them yet, but it was so good to see she and Tre's duking it out... When she learns something new that Catie loved, it helps... it brings another layer back to our life. It doesn't make the loss or the hurt go away, but it sure fills us up some more. So thankful for a laughing girl (and a laughing daddy) and 2 rubber swords...

Quiet Dates

2008-05-18T15:51:00.002-04:00

Had life gone as Tre' and I planned, we would have attended pre-k graduation Thursday night... for Catie. Instead we had a nice dinner at home, just the three of us -- Tre', Iz, and I. Had she still been here, I would have been nervous for her b/c I know how she HATED getting up in front of people... she did not like to be up front and center unless it was on her terms. If Catie were still here we would have oohed and awed about how fast she was growing up and how big she was getting and, "oh my goodness, I can't believe you're going to kindergarten next year..." Instead the day passed quietly... and that's ok. I admit to it making me miss her even more. I know that there are many more quietly significant dates for us to face without Catie... dates that would have been this or should have been that. Dates that we won't have a reason to acknowledge except as a reminder of what could have been. Definitely missed her this week.

We're back!

2008-05-15T22:54:00.004-04:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. We had a great trip to Atlanta for Lauren's Run, made it home for Iz's 15 month checkup (she's doing great -- off the chart), and then had a bounce back appoint for her a couple of days later after she kept a high fever for 2 days and then started with tummy troubles. We don't like Iz being sick, but we'll sure take normal kid illnesses!! NORMAL is good. She was sick for a good 4-5 days, but was well in time for Mother's Day. We had a great day and it included Iz's first experience with the sprinkler. That was QUITE fun!! Apparently Iz shared her germs w/ me, so I've been down and out for the last couple of days. I think I'm on the mend and now we're hoping Tre's avoided it!

Not much more to write tonight, but I thought we'd share some pictures.

This picture just cracks me up!!

Actually, this one does too!

Bubbles are serious business (at Lauren's Run/the CURE picnic)

and they taste good too

What's a girl to do while Momma's cooking dinner? Empty her cabinets and climb in of course!

Heaven

2008-04-26T12:32:00.007-04:00

Before Catie died, I never thought a lot about Heaven. It's where I'm going when I die and that's about all I thought about it. I didn't give much consideration to what you do and what it's like. But with Catie there, it's definitely something I think about. I wish she could somehow send us a quarterly newsletter sharing the highlights of what she sees and does. As a Momma, it's hard not knowing what fills her life now. I don't know what Heaven will be like, but I know it will be so much better than anything I can even come close to fathoming... So, though I don't know what fills Catie's days (are there even days and nights in Heaven? time doesn't matter), I know that her heart is fuller and she is happier and more peaceful than I can even imagine. She is complete.

I do dream about what it will be like when I see her again. I always picture her with hair and still at the age of 4... and I picture her running... sometimes w/ her familiar wobble and sometimes not (is perfection being totally able-bodied or being accepted and loved by everyone you encounter for who you are, just the way you are?)... I always lift her and she fits her body into just the place she always fit and lays her head on my shoulder in the same place she always did. And I just hold her... and after a moment or two, her voice with that sweet southern accent begins to speak... and the words come out so quickly with her trying to share w/ me the things she's seen and known and done... And she laughs and she shares... And I just listen... and I soak it up... and I am grateful... grateful for a God who's plan was big enough to make a way for us to see her again... big enough to make a way to share her with us again....

I don't have any biblical back up for the specifics of my daydream... I don't know if we'll be in bodies or if it will just be our souls.... but however it is, I do believe that even as good as that daydream is, what will truly happen will be even better. I don't think our minds can comprehend the wholeness and completeness that is Heaven.

There is a song that Brad Paisley sings that I just love. I have it on my iPod and I confess to listening to it several times on some days. I know that when I get where I'm going, I will meet my Maker and I will lift Catie to my hip. There are no tears of sorrow in Heaven, but that day there may be tears of joy.

When I Get Where I'm Goin'

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

She Knows How to Get Her Point Across

2008-04-23T11:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, Izzy and I were outside enjoying the gorgeous weather that we've been having. She is truly a country girl. Has managed her first skinned knee, scratched up her other leg, and has a couple of ant and mosquito bites. I seriously think she would stay outside the entire time she was awake if I would let her. :)

Yesterday, we were outside and she was piddling and doing her thing. I was trying to get some squash plants in the ground. She walked over to me and took my hand. I put down my trowel and followed her lead. She walked us to her wagon, opened the door, climbed in and sat down. She looked at me and said, "go! go! go! go!" Needless to say we had ourselves a nice walk yesterday afternoon!

Gotta go get the rest of the squash in the ground! :)

Izzy B

2008-04-19T22:43:00.003-04:00

Just some fun pics of Iz. Yes, we actually do brush her hair... she was just blessed w/ my thin, flyaway hair! :)

I love this one!

That wrinkly nose

At the Kitchen Table

2008-04-14T09:41:00.004-04:00

Izzy is at that age when her language is growing by leaps and bounds. She's really learning to use her words well and knows a few signs that she likes to use also. Much to my dismay, she has already learned to say, "no." :) Her favorite time to use it is when we ask for kisses. She grins big and shakes her head back and forth as fast as she can telling us no! She seems to have a bit of her sister's teasing nature in her. :)

She loves to point at pictures and have you tell her what's in the picture. Sometimes it's in books, sometimes just photos around the house. Yesterday, we were at the kitchen table and she was pointing to pictures in a picture collage near the table and I was telling her who was in the pictures. She pointed to one: "that's Izzy..." then to another: "that's Izzy and Daddy." She pointed to the next: "that's Catie." Nothing unusual about this conversation so far... happens all the time. But the next thing Iz did caught me off guard. After I said, "that's Catie," she looked at me with a look very similar to this one on her face:

She didn't say the words out loud, but her face was clearly asking, "where's Catie?" just as if she were looking for Tre' or Joey. For her that moment didn't seem significant, but for me it was. Maybe because I so long for what could have been... maybe b/c she realized that this girl Catie sure is in lots of pictures around here, so shouldn't I know her. Who knows... I'm glad she doesn't have to miss Catie like we do. I don't ever want her to have to know hurt like that. But somehow it felt good for her to be curious about her.

Catie

2008-04-11T10:29:00.004-04:00

So it's been a while since I watched the "A Few of our Favorite Things" video that Uncle D made with pictures of Catie and some of her favorite music. I still can't believe that he was able to put that together in 2 days (no doubt I owe him big time for the sleep deprivation that weekend!). Well, I watched it this morning and it was so good... sometimes if I don't look back at pictures a lot, the memories that stick are the times when she was the sickest. Random memories will sometimes pop in my head... like the times I made her throw up b/c I didn't know yet that you shouldn't put cold liquids into a g-tube, or the time I had to access her port and her skin was raw from tegaderms and I had to scrub it with alcohol... There was too much she had to go through and goodness knows she took it with the grace of someone 5 times her age. The video makes me proud. Proud b/c despite the incredibly rotten hand she and our family were dealt in cancer, she really was happy. She smiled and she laughed and she lived and she loved and she was loved. I remember the setting for most every picture in the video... if she's laughing, I could probably tell you why... I can tell you if she's in the hospital (and if she is, if it's in Savannah or Atlanta), or at the beach or at home or somewhere else... I can tell you what point we were at in treatment... I can tell you that in one picture, she has hair as far as you can tell, but the back was completely bald where her hair had been rubbing off as she slept... I'm so thankful for pictures and for the memories they trigger. I know that I would not remember so many of those moments were it not for having them recorded. I'm thankful for the reminder that so much of her life was good, was happy... I love the pictures of her laughing or grinning or playing at the hospital. If she could do that in the midst of all she was going through, we can learn to do the same through tough stuff.. She made the best of life with cancer. We can learn to make the best of life without her here. Sure do miss her though...

Oh, You Guys are in Trouble!!

2008-04-09T00:47:00.001-04:00

So I ordered a new camera and it came in today. It's a still camera, but has a video function on it that's much nicer than on my old camera. It's going to take me forever to learn all the bells and whistles on it, and you guys will probably be subject to far too many pictures as I learn. For tonight, I'll settle for sharing a quick video of Iz. Nothing fancy here, we were honestly just giving it a shot to see how it worked. The end is her "funny face" that she makes when she's trying to get you to laugh.

Beach Bum!!

2008-04-06T21:44:00.003-04:00

We're at the beach this weekend. Iz has been to the beach, but this is the first trip since she started walking. I am here to tell you, she thinks it's good stuff... I'm thinking she is going to love it just as much as her sister did!!

Sand!!!!!

Where did the birds go?

Momma!! Did you see that??

Here I come!

There's that bird!

Pure JOY!

I'm not sure if you can tell, but she was COVERED in sand and SOAKED!!!! Can't wait to hit the beach again in the morning.

Check below for elf info. if you need it!

Elf Stuff -- You Interested??

2008-04-01T14:02:00.005-04:00

Ok, so we've got the go to launch the elf project in other areas. Now we just need to make it happen. We would LOVE to see Elves from Catie in at least 10 other hospitals around the country.

The hope is to partner with groups or businesses and have them sponsor a hospital. The number of elves needed for a particular hospital depends on the needs of that hospital. One of the problems we're running into is that many organizations already have their calendars set for this year, so they are unable to help us for this year. We would still really like to meet our goal of 10 new hospitals.

So, here's where I ask for a bit of help. If you are a member of an organization or church group or business that would be interested in working with us on this, I would love to hear from you. We will partner your organization with a hospital -- ideally, one in your area. You would help us "elf-raise" to get enough elves donated for kids at your partner hospital.

Now -- how can you do this? All you have to do is contact me and we will help you get set up. Maybe your MOPS group is looking for a project for the fall. Maybe the teachers at the school you teach at or the folks where you work could have a dress down day where folks pay to dress down. Maybe your tennis team or book club would like to make a difference in the lives of kids fighting cancer. Maybe your company could offer this to its employees -- just have the information available so that people you work with could donate elves (and maybe the company would be willing to match the employees' donation). Maybe your church group is looking for a new project. Maybe you're a family who has been touched by childhood cancer and you would like to see the hospital your child was treated at benefit from Elves from Catie.

Remember that 30% from the sales of every single one of Elves from Catie goes to CURE Childhood Cancer. CURE is funding some tremendously exciting research right now. We would love to see this make a big impact. If you can help us out in any way, please let us know! 10 hospitals is the goal! We have to get things set up soon so that we can get elves donated in time to be sure there are enough for the hospitals we want to work with. Each elf will come with a book about an elf's adventures in the hospital. You can click benefit here for more information. I hope that link works -- I've never linked to a document from here. It may only last for 3 days though. We shall see!

Feel free to post questions in the comments section or e-mail me (jencarrollwilkinsATgmail.com). Use @ symbol, not word AT -- trying to prevent SPAM. Hope to hear from some of you soon!

Catie's Cruisers

2008-03-29T21:11:00.001-04:00

Lauren's Run is here again. This year it will no doubt be a great event, complete with the CURE picnic immediately following it. Our team is Catie's Cruisers and we'd love for you to join us! All proceeds benefit Cure Childhood Cancer. Click here to register. If you'd like to walk with us, be sure to enter Catie's Cruisers as your team name. Hope to see you there.

Absence

2008-03-29T15:34:00.002-04:00

"Every minute of his life since then has been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to measure against. And when I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird."
From The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

"I know how absence can be present...." That is a really good way to put it. Catie's absence, while I don't focus consciously on it every minute of the day, seems to be felt in most moments of the day. Even now... 14 months later. I don't know what I expected it to be like this far out from her death. I certainly didn't imagine it to magically be fine or that we would never think of her or that we would suddenly never miss her. But I don't think that I expected her absence to be so present.

Big Tears from a Little Girl

2008-03-28T14:52:00.003-04:00

Last night Izzy followed Tre' into her room. About 2 1/2 seconds later she comes running out of the room just bawling -- not "I'm hurt" crying, but just bawling like her heart is broken. So I go and lift her to my hip, thinking she was getting to something she shouldn't have and Tre' had told her no, when he comes out asking, "What's wrong Moonpie?" So I look at her and look at him and we're clueless. She's still bawling. I walk back into the room, still holding her on my hip and I see the cause of all the drama. There it sits in the middle of her room, left unattended as I had not finished up in there yet.... the big ole scary vaccuum cleaner. It wasn't even running -- just the sight of it pushed her over the edge. I had to laugh a little. We've tried everything, letting her touch it while it's on and while it's off, using her own vaccuum cleaner... nothing seems to be able to conquer the fear of the big scary machine.

So... I'm thinking I should use this to our advantage... If I put the vaccuum cleaner in plain sight in our bedroom, do you think it would convince her to sleep all night in her room???

When in Savannah do as the Irish!

2008-03-13T22:41:00.008-04:00

St. Patrick's Day is a HUGE event in Savannah. Tre's Mamanon always has a big shindig at her house. Each year we go to her house for green grits and green bread and lots of other yummies! Tomorrow will be no different and it is always a grand time! I was looking back through old pictures tonight and thought I'd share some green with you. I don't have the pics from Catie's first 2 St. Patty's Days digitally, but I do have them from her last 2. Looking back on pictures of Izzy 1st Wearin' O' the Green, it's AMAZING how much she's grown in a year!!

Catie (age 2) and Daddy

Chowing down w/ Mamanon

Aunt Tati and Uncle Chad's dog Snowy turns green every year!

Worn out and resting on Aunt Tati at the parade

Catie age 3

Keeping Catie hydrated was always a battle. This year she had learned of the fun that leprechauns could bring! We put some food coloring in some apple juice and told her it was leprechaun juice and she drank it down!!! She loved that it turned her tongue green too.

Oh how I miss that grin.

Think she's grown a bit?

We didn't brave the parade w/ Izzy last year. It will be fun to see what she thinks of it tomorrow!