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Sunday, June 8, 2008

Catie Days

I call them Catie days... days when she's more present in my mind than on an average day... days when I miss her even more than on a normal day. The missing is never gone, but there are days it is much more present than others. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those days when my mind went back to the end of her life. I remember when it sunk it that things really might not end like we so desperately wanted. And for some reason, today my mind drifted back to that time and replayed it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason -- my brain processing such a traumatic time or something... but whatever the reason, today my mind went back to that morning. I remember trying to find a way to curl my 8 1/2 month pregnant body around her without messing up any of her many, many tubes and wires. And I remember crying and crying. When you are living it, it doesn't seem unimaginable, you're just trying to get through it... But I'm here to tell you that what families of kids with cancer and families of other critically ill kids have to deal with is all too often unimaginable. Those aren't the memories we dwell on here... we try to focus on the good ones. But there are times when you wish that people in the "normal" world knew what goes on in a children's hospital... that they knew what these kids and their families go through.

Earlier, I didn't like days like today, and sometimes I still don't... but sometimes they are somehow, strangely, a comfort. I don't know if somehow I feel closer to Catie or if it helps my heart to process a little more... but sometimes it's ok.

So it was already a Catie day and then I watched Army Wives. I'm a big fan and tonight was the season premier. I won't spoil it for anyone who might have Tivo'd it, but suffice it to say that it got the rest of my good cry for the day out. The ending hit so close to home... letting go... letting go... If you watched it I'm betting you got your cry in too.

Today was one of those days, and for today that was ok. I needed to feel close to her today. It seems like such a long, long time since we let her go.


Tammy said...

Jenny, It's comforting to hear that you welcome even the hardest memories of Catie, I've never lost a child, but both parents, my Mom died in my arms, I can so relate to every second of her last breaths. My heart goes out to you. Hugs from Fort Worth.

Talley Images said...

what a sweet post... its good to know that you are healing, even just a bit at a time, and the memories are still welcomed... We still pray for you daily and wish you only good things

Stephanie said...

Jenny, I am sorry that you had to let go even though it's just for now. I can identify with reliving those last moments and days. It wasn't with my child though. It was with my younger brother. It's been 2 1/2 years and I don't like reliving it but you are right. It is healing.

John & Kelley said...

Yes, you must live through the Catie days. Your love for her was so intense that living without her becomes agonizing at times, especially when you really let yourself feel into everything that happened. To date, my most difficult loss has been my 66-year-old grandfather to lung cancer. It's a completely different level of pain than the one you're going through, but it affected me profoundly, and I know for a fact that his wife still lives into the most horrible of days on occasion. She lets herself feel the magnitude of her loss. You know that Catie's death has also affected me profoundly. I so appreciate your recent comment on my blog. Hearing from your experiences helps me be more empathetic and more active in addressing the raw reality of childhood cancer. Love and hugs and prayers!


Anonymous said...

(((((jenny))))) wish i was closer so i could give you a big hug but this one will have to do. I never had the chance to meet Miss Catie in person but I feel as if i had. I too watched army wives and i cried like a baby. You are all in my prayers... hey did you happen to read kristie's post titled low sugar if you havent go read it i almost peed myself...

Anonymous said...

I"ve never met your family, but I get so much from your entries. Today has been a bad day and seems like it's only getting worse, but I can watch the video of your precious daughter and it puts life back in perspective for me and makes all those bad things, not so bad anymore. I pray for your family daily and hope you continue to gain strength and also love the moments with Izzy.

Ball Ground GA

Missy said...

Hey Jennie, Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you. I played my tape yesterday as I drove home from my last radiation and it made me feel so strong. I loved this journal entry, and while I can't imagine your pain, Ithink I would welcome Catie Days, too. Love you, Missy